It's been a pretty good day, I guess. Work was busy but it was perfectly OK. My back wasn't acting up. No foul moods. Got a really nice and warm black-and-grey sweater with a little unicorn on it. Really nice. Got my pay (not much, but it will work out). Got a phone call that said that my computer is fixed and as far as I understood it I don't have to pay shit. I will actually get money back. + I should be getting some money that people own me in the coming months. And that means a new mobile phone. My only problem is how I will have time to fix the last things before leaving on christmas eve. Got to get an iPod charger tomorrow. Got to do a ton of dishes. Got to buy some chocolate for my work mates (=kissing ass). Got to get totally, incredibly drunk with old work mates 2 nights in a row. Got to study.
One thing I have come to realize is the fact that I smoke incredibly much and eat next to nothing. Not good.
Love my new grey pants, though. And my new suspenders.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The Oath
Life's a little better today. A bit. No panic. Well, a little bit. But nothing I can't control. I'm just worried. Not for myself, though. No, I am a bit worried about myself. Recently I have sort been just a jumble of emotional reactions. I don't know if my reactions and actions are emotional responses or rational actions. I always figured that there was some kind of rationality behind most things I did, but this last month my behavious has been a bit too erratic... I'm sorry for that.
Another problem is the fact that I am so tired of getting buttfucked by people trying to sell me shit. A new phone for 1200:- is a pretty good prize, even though I have to tie myself up to one provider for 2 years (pretty good provider, though). So far so good. It is a good phone. What is not good is that if I don't want to pay the whole phone immediately I have to pay between 600:- and 800:- more for the phone. Pisses me of. Sure, I can afford to pay the whole phone right away, but I don't know what shit will show up in the future. I got a computer that I might have to pay to get repaired. I don't know how much work I'll get come next year. I don't know if I got any unpaid taxes.
And still... 1200:- isn't that much money. I blew like twice that on clothes last week. And I need a new phone, because the one I have... Well, lets just say that if you get a text message from me and there are no P's (or too many) in it it's not because I can't spell (although I have some problems in english. I sometimes get 'too' & 'to', 'were' & 'where' confused), it is because my phone is falling to pieces.
Now I am going to watch Sex & The City and eat chocolate.
Another problem is the fact that I am so tired of getting buttfucked by people trying to sell me shit. A new phone for 1200:- is a pretty good prize, even though I have to tie myself up to one provider for 2 years (pretty good provider, though). So far so good. It is a good phone. What is not good is that if I don't want to pay the whole phone immediately I have to pay between 600:- and 800:- more for the phone. Pisses me of. Sure, I can afford to pay the whole phone right away, but I don't know what shit will show up in the future. I got a computer that I might have to pay to get repaired. I don't know how much work I'll get come next year. I don't know if I got any unpaid taxes.
And still... 1200:- isn't that much money. I blew like twice that on clothes last week. And I need a new phone, because the one I have... Well, lets just say that if you get a text message from me and there are no P's (or too many) in it it's not because I can't spell (although I have some problems in english. I sometimes get 'too' & 'to', 'were' & 'where' confused), it is because my phone is falling to pieces.
Now I am going to watch Sex & The City and eat chocolate.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Chicken chicken chicken
chicken chicken chicken.
I know I probably should ask a lot of questions, but I'm so afraid of getting to know shit I don't want to know. But I have to ask. If nothing else because of my pride. Not that my pride is worth anything in the grand scheme of things. But it might be worth something after all this. If there is 'anything' after this.
chicken chicken chicken.
I know I probably should ask a lot of questions, but I'm so afraid of getting to know shit I don't want to know. But I have to ask. If nothing else because of my pride. Not that my pride is worth anything in the grand scheme of things. But it might be worth something after all this. If there is 'anything' after this.
chicken chicken chicken.
It's interesting
how you can go from above to below in such a relative short amount of time.
I wonder if I remember things I've imagined or if I remember hallucinations. Or if I was dreaming.
I don't know what's happening. If I did, maybe I could be a better sport about some of the other shit. But that shit still hurts, even though it shouldn't. Or maybe it should. I don't know. That is the problem.
Well, at least I know what the view is like from this side of the coin. But not really, no.
I had something brilliant I wanted to write here, but I forgot it. Too bad, I guess. I'm just a little bit annoyed, because I think it was important.
I wonder if I remember things I've imagined or if I remember hallucinations. Or if I was dreaming.
I don't know what's happening. If I did, maybe I could be a better sport about some of the other shit. But that shit still hurts, even though it shouldn't. Or maybe it should. I don't know. That is the problem.
Well, at least I know what the view is like from this side of the coin. But not really, no.
I had something brilliant I wanted to write here, but I forgot it. Too bad, I guess. I'm just a little bit annoyed, because I think it was important.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Merry Christmas!
Just came back from my folks. Dad turned 52. I'm feeling empty. And detached, somehow. It makes me sad. I don't feel I can relate to my family, or that they can relate to me. What I am basically saying is that it feels like we don't necessarily matter to each other any more. That all we have is history, sort of. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it.
And now everything feels like it is at a distance. Just beyond reach. Exactely everything.
Im sorry. I'm so so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I behave and feel like I do right now. And I'm sorry for that. And for me. And what I am.
And now everything feels like it is at a distance. Just beyond reach. Exactely everything.
Im sorry. I'm so so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I behave and feel like I do right now. And I'm sorry for that. And for me. And what I am.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
"How do you spell relief?"
"I get D-R-U-N-K."
You got to love David Allen Coe. Sure, he's a redneck, racist, white trash country singer, but still... Country this full och clichés must be at least admired.
"I don't need no doctor
Tell me what is wrong
I can fill my own perscriptions
And it lasts me all night long
It's the perfect medication
For an ailment such as mine
I forget about the tears I've cried
When the whiskey hits my mind"
The problem is, I don't drink when I'm depressed. I drink when I am happy or bored. Battling depressions with alcohol has never really worked for me. Partly because I become a Sad Pathetic Drunk and partly because being hung over makes me depressed. But I kind of wish that I could be a cool comwboy type just sitting in some joint downing one whiskey after another and then get into a good natured fight or something. But I am a horrible drunk and an even worse fighter. Come to think of it I am very surprised that I don't get beaten up more often, considering how annoying I can be. I obviously hang out at the right places with the right kind of folk. But still... I didn't get beaten up in Belgium and there I defenitely didn't hang with the right crowd and I was REALLY annoying there (and really drunk).
Well well, back to D.A.C. Here's what probably is my favourite.
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, IT'LL HAIRLIP THE POPE
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, IT'S A DAMN GOOD JOKE
I'VE SEEN THE GRAND OL' OPRY AND I'VE SEEN JOHNNY CASH
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS
THE OLD MAN WAS COVERED WITH TATTOOS AND SCARS
HE GOT SOME IN PRISON AND OTHERS IN BARS
THE REST HE GOT WORKIN' ON OLD JUNK CARS - IN THE DAY TIME
THEY LOOKED LIKE TOMBSTONES IN OUR YARD
AND I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM WHEN HE WASN'T TARD - AND MEAN
HE SOLD USED CARS TO MAKE ENDS MEET
COVERED WITH GREASE FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS FEET
CUSSIN' THE SWEAT AND THE TEXAS HEAT - AND MOSQUITERS
AND THE NEIGHBORS SAID WE LIVED LIKE HICKS
BUT THEY BRUNG THEIR CARS FOR PA TO FIX - ANYHOW
HE WAS VETERAN PROUD, TRIED AND TRUE
HE'D FOUGHT 'TIL HIS HEART WAS BLACK AND BLUE
DIDN'T KNOW HOW HE'D MADE IT THROUGH - THE HARD TIMES
HE'D BOUGHT OUR HOUSE ON THE GI BILL
BUT IT WASN'T WORTH ALL HE'D HAD TO KILL - TO GET IT
HE DRANK PEARL IN A CAN AND JACK DANIELS BLACK
CHEWED TOBACCO FROM A MAILPOUCH SACK
HAD AN OLD DOG THAT WAS TRAINED TO ATTACK - SOMETIMES
HE GOT DRUNK AND MEAN AS A RATTLESNAKE
AND THERE WASN'T TOO MUCH THAT HE WOULD TAKE - FROM A STRANGER
THERE WAS 13 KIDS AND A BUNCH OF DOGS
A HOUSE FULL OF CHICKENS AND A YARD FULL OF HOGS
AND I SPENT THE SUMMERTIME CUTTIN' UP WOOD FOR THE WINTER
TRYIN' LIKE THE DEVIL TO FIND THE LORD
WORKIN' LIKE A DEMON FOR MY ROOM AND BOARD
A COAL BURNIN' STOVE, NO NATURAL GAS
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS
MAMA SELLS EGGS AT THE GROCERY STORE
MY OLDEST SISTER IS A FIRST RATE WHORE
DAD SAYS SHE CAN'T COME HOME ANYMORE - AND HE MEANS IT
MA JUST SITS AND KEEPS HER SILENCE
SISTER SHE LEFT 'CAUSE DAD GOT VIOLENT - AND HE KNOWS IT
MAMA SHE'S OLD FAR BEYOND HER TIME
FROM CHOPPIN' TOBACCO AND I'VE SEEN HER CRYIN'
WHEN BLOOD STARTED FLOWIN' FROM HER CALLOUSED HAND - AND IT HURT ME
SHE'D JUST KEEP WORKIN' TRYIN' TO HELP THE OLD MAN
TO THE END OF ONE ROW AND BACK AGAIN - LIKE ALWAYS
SHE'S BEEN THROUGH HELL SINCE JUNIOR WENT TO JAIL
WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT SHE AIN'T NEVER FAILED
TO GET DOWN ON HER KNEES AND PRAY - BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM
TOLD ALL THE NEIGHBORS HE WAS OFF IN THE WAR
FIGHTIN' FOR FREEDOM - HE'S GOOD TO THE CORE - AND SHE'S PROUD
NOW OUR PLACE WAS A GRAVE YARD FOR AUTOMOBILES
AT THE END OF THE PORCH WAS FOUR STACKS OF WHEELS
AND TIRES FOR SALE FOR A DOLLAR OR TWO - CASH
THERE WAS 50 HOLES IN THE OL' TIN ROOF
ME AND MY FAMILY WAS LIVIN' PROOF
OF PEOPLE WHO FORGOT ABOUT POOR WHITE TRASH
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS
I'M THINKIN' TONIGHT OF MY BLUE EYES
CONCERNING THE GREAT SPECKLED BIRD
I DIDN'T KNOW GOD MADE HONKY- TONK ANGELS
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS
There.
You got to love David Allen Coe. Sure, he's a redneck, racist, white trash country singer, but still... Country this full och clichés must be at least admired.
"I don't need no doctor
Tell me what is wrong
I can fill my own perscriptions
And it lasts me all night long
It's the perfect medication
For an ailment such as mine
I forget about the tears I've cried
When the whiskey hits my mind"
The problem is, I don't drink when I'm depressed. I drink when I am happy or bored. Battling depressions with alcohol has never really worked for me. Partly because I become a Sad Pathetic Drunk and partly because being hung over makes me depressed. But I kind of wish that I could be a cool comwboy type just sitting in some joint downing one whiskey after another and then get into a good natured fight or something. But I am a horrible drunk and an even worse fighter. Come to think of it I am very surprised that I don't get beaten up more often, considering how annoying I can be. I obviously hang out at the right places with the right kind of folk. But still... I didn't get beaten up in Belgium and there I defenitely didn't hang with the right crowd and I was REALLY annoying there (and really drunk).
Well well, back to D.A.C. Here's what probably is my favourite.
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, IT'LL HAIRLIP THE POPE
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, IT'S A DAMN GOOD JOKE
I'VE SEEN THE GRAND OL' OPRY AND I'VE SEEN JOHNNY CASH
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS
THE OLD MAN WAS COVERED WITH TATTOOS AND SCARS
HE GOT SOME IN PRISON AND OTHERS IN BARS
THE REST HE GOT WORKIN' ON OLD JUNK CARS - IN THE DAY TIME
THEY LOOKED LIKE TOMBSTONES IN OUR YARD
AND I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM WHEN HE WASN'T TARD - AND MEAN
HE SOLD USED CARS TO MAKE ENDS MEET
COVERED WITH GREASE FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS FEET
CUSSIN' THE SWEAT AND THE TEXAS HEAT - AND MOSQUITERS
AND THE NEIGHBORS SAID WE LIVED LIKE HICKS
BUT THEY BRUNG THEIR CARS FOR PA TO FIX - ANYHOW
HE WAS VETERAN PROUD, TRIED AND TRUE
HE'D FOUGHT 'TIL HIS HEART WAS BLACK AND BLUE
DIDN'T KNOW HOW HE'D MADE IT THROUGH - THE HARD TIMES
HE'D BOUGHT OUR HOUSE ON THE GI BILL
BUT IT WASN'T WORTH ALL HE'D HAD TO KILL - TO GET IT
HE DRANK PEARL IN A CAN AND JACK DANIELS BLACK
CHEWED TOBACCO FROM A MAILPOUCH SACK
HAD AN OLD DOG THAT WAS TRAINED TO ATTACK - SOMETIMES
HE GOT DRUNK AND MEAN AS A RATTLESNAKE
AND THERE WASN'T TOO MUCH THAT HE WOULD TAKE - FROM A STRANGER
THERE WAS 13 KIDS AND A BUNCH OF DOGS
A HOUSE FULL OF CHICKENS AND A YARD FULL OF HOGS
AND I SPENT THE SUMMERTIME CUTTIN' UP WOOD FOR THE WINTER
TRYIN' LIKE THE DEVIL TO FIND THE LORD
WORKIN' LIKE A DEMON FOR MY ROOM AND BOARD
A COAL BURNIN' STOVE, NO NATURAL GAS
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS
MAMA SELLS EGGS AT THE GROCERY STORE
MY OLDEST SISTER IS A FIRST RATE WHORE
DAD SAYS SHE CAN'T COME HOME ANYMORE - AND HE MEANS IT
MA JUST SITS AND KEEPS HER SILENCE
SISTER SHE LEFT 'CAUSE DAD GOT VIOLENT - AND HE KNOWS IT
MAMA SHE'S OLD FAR BEYOND HER TIME
FROM CHOPPIN' TOBACCO AND I'VE SEEN HER CRYIN'
WHEN BLOOD STARTED FLOWIN' FROM HER CALLOUSED HAND - AND IT HURT ME
SHE'D JUST KEEP WORKIN' TRYIN' TO HELP THE OLD MAN
TO THE END OF ONE ROW AND BACK AGAIN - LIKE ALWAYS
SHE'S BEEN THROUGH HELL SINCE JUNIOR WENT TO JAIL
WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT SHE AIN'T NEVER FAILED
TO GET DOWN ON HER KNEES AND PRAY - BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM
TOLD ALL THE NEIGHBORS HE WAS OFF IN THE WAR
FIGHTIN' FOR FREEDOM - HE'S GOOD TO THE CORE - AND SHE'S PROUD
NOW OUR PLACE WAS A GRAVE YARD FOR AUTOMOBILES
AT THE END OF THE PORCH WAS FOUR STACKS OF WHEELS
AND TIRES FOR SALE FOR A DOLLAR OR TWO - CASH
THERE WAS 50 HOLES IN THE OL' TIN ROOF
ME AND MY FAMILY WAS LIVIN' PROOF
OF PEOPLE WHO FORGOT ABOUT POOR WHITE TRASH
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS
I'M THINKIN' TONIGHT OF MY BLUE EYES
CONCERNING THE GREAT SPECKLED BIRD
I DIDN'T KNOW GOD MADE HONKY- TONK ANGELS
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS
There.
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