The Guilty Have No Pride

I have a problem with guilt. Guilt and shame. On several occasions I know that I have done something wrong but I am too ashamed to apologize. Some times I think this shame has been mistaken (both by myself and others) for anger and maybe arrogance.
So...

And shame is not a hard emotion for me to conjure up.

Anyhow. Something came up this weekend that made me react in a certain way and that reaction reminded me of another time I had that reaction (and how it feels almost impossible to act in another way). I remember this spring, when I was going to some kind of light weight therapy. That was nice and all, but when the counselor said that there would be no more therapy, no real thereapy, I just closed up. It just sort of blocked it up. Forever, for that person. And without going into details, I had a similar reaction. I hope I can get over it, but I am starting to remember reactions like that in my past, and there has been a lot of them. And it pisses me of. And I don't really want to be angry. Not now, not ever. It's useless.

I don't know what I am getting at anymore. Not when it comes to anything. I just constantly feel at odds with just about everything. It feels like the more I see, feel, learn and hear, the more I see, feel, learn and hear that everything is false and empty. This is an absurd, meaningless existance in an absurd and meaningless universe. Nothing makes any difference, not really. Sure, we make up differences to feel like there is a reason, like this existance isn't totally futile, but it is just make belief. I wish I could find something to burn for, something to strive for, some reason to improve myself. But it is futile. Improve myself? For what? It makes no difference in the end. Fight for something? It is all dust tomorrow. Love? Hate? Futilities.
What I want is one perfect moment, and make it last forever.

I wish I wasn't so controlled. I wish I could kill someone. Someone unimportant. Someone that just pushed me a little bit over the edge. Or at least beat someone up. Just let it out, for once. Let it out and win. Maybe it could be something besides rage and loneliness and isolation after that.

This rather crass and harsh way of looking at the world expresses itself in mysterious ways sometimes. My new 'obsession' (although it is a somewhat lightweight obessions) is Danish Design. I am intrigued by some of their watches. So I have decided that I have to get me one one of these days.

You try to find a point and meaning in the smallest of things, don't you?

Sometimes I think I am a chameleon. Maybe not a really good chameleon, but still. A chameleon. And sometimes I loathe myself for it. And at other times I admire myself for it. Watching myself and the world with a little wry sardonic smile.

Drive On

Yesterday I reread a book called "med uppenbar känsla för stil." A Swedish dissection of manhood, manliness, male culture etc. And a totally merciless dissection at that. It hit me like a hammer to both the head and the heart. Even more this time than the first time I read it. I recognize just about everything in that book. And I don't know when I feel worse. When I feel like "yes, this is the way I am and it is disgusting" or when I feel "no, this isn't the way I am but it is the way I am supposed to be. The way I have to act to be able to walk through this unscathed."

I see it so well. Being a man. What you have to be, what you have to do, how you have to act. At times I think there is something beautiful about at and at the same time it disgust me. It is so limiting. It is killing me. It is killing us all.

I am not wrong. That is the thing. I'm not like this because I want to, because it started of like a "fuck you" to the world. I am like this as a reaction to the world. Sure, I could dress differently, I could behave differently, I could think differently. But I shouldn't have to. That is the thing. I'm not like this because I don't want to be a part of the world, I am like this because I have to be a part of something, I have to have something when the world rejected me. The walls around me are there for a reason. Why should I crawl to the cross and ask to be a part of it now? I'm not the one to blame, not from the start. I didn't set out to be 'alternative' or what the fuck you want to call it. I became that way because that was the only place where I could make any kind of room for myself. Granted, at the moment it is a small, dank room. But it is mine. I took it. Contrary to what people might believe, it is not an act of opposition. It is not against the world or society or whatever you might want to call it. It is just different. It is something else. Something that very much exists on it's own premises.

Granted, I am quite defensive and sometimes (quite often) I act like offence is the best defense. I am not saying I have no fault in this. I searched eagerly for something different, something that was different to the core, and now I am paying the price. That is what first attracted me to Black Metal. The fact that it was so different. It didn't make any apologies. It acted according to it's own rules, rules that was (and is) very different from the ordinary worlds. It didn't make any apologies. It wasn't 'evil' because christianity was the real evil and had treated people badly. It was evil because it was evil. Everything from lyrics to views to aestethics was so much... It was the context for itself.

But at the same time it has killed something in me. This might seem utterly pretentious, but you know about the "1000 mile stare" that war veterans supposedly get when they fully understand the horrors of war? When they have seen things that couldn't possibly be understood by the rookies or the people back home? Sometimes I feel like I got something like that. Like I have seen the Tiger smile.

It's like there has been a search for extremes. Like not being a part of the world has made me search for something that is totally different to the core. And that maybe that was too different. Like it has forced me to lie, to adapt just as much as I would have to to be a part of the real world.

And I didn't really escape. I ended up in caricature, a parody of what I didn't want to be a part of. Not something inherently different. I chose to be a part of a culture that made me a perpetrator and not a victim. And that makes me sad. Incredibly sad. I am a part of the problem. I remember me an L talking about that. That she had always been friends with the fags, the ones that got beat up. My side is the other side. And I can't but help to admire her strenght and courage to stay on that side. I can't help but admire the strength and courage for all the people who can stay their ground on that side. I feels like they remaind true to themselves in so many ways. I admire that. And it makes me sad that I, at the time, couldn't be on that side. Or chose not to stay there.

At the same time I must say that the choices I have made, the side I have been on and the ideology that runs through it has given me an immense amount of pride and strength. I am not going to deny that and I am not going to regret that. But I think that it is time for me to build up many other sides of me and realize that not all of me has to fit in that frame. There is no need for a philosophy that permeats everything I do. I can be everything I want to at the same time and I shouldn't have to justify that to anyone, not even myself. I just wish I could have realized that earlier, instead of spending the last two (or more) years just trying to fit everything into some kind of mold. Or something like that. All this makes it sound like I'm incredibly one dimensional, and I can promise you that I am not. I have more dimension than you can probably guess (someone close to me once said that she was surprised that I could still surprise her by showing her new sides of myself after knowing each other for so long. Unfortunately they where not all good.). What I mean is that they don't have to fall neatly into the same basket. They need not be related. No red thread is needed. Something like that. But it is hard to think differently, and I don't know how to do it really. Everytime I try, a little part of me is saying "you are selling out, you are betraying what you are." And that is not a nice feeling. You want to be able to look yourself in the mirror.

But this feels like the start of Ende Neu.




Johnny Cash Lyrics
Drive On Lyrics

Anyways, I recommend everyone that can (especially males) to read "med uppenbar känsla för stil." It won't take you very long (I finished it in under 3 hours) but it is really spot on. I don't know if there is anything in the book that I disagree with. It is incredibly true and because it is true it is incredibly sad (I almost started to cry a couple of times when I read it because I recognized what I am and what I am not). It explains why we have machismo (in lack of a better word) to blame for so much and how it permeats every aspect of life. That we can't go or do anything without being our genders in the first place, not even if we want to. Read it. It's an order.

But I also recommend that you read that, "Klass - Är du fin nog" by Annelie Jordahl, the "Football Factory"-trilogy by John King, "Mitt förnamn är Ronny" by Ronny Ambjörnsson and maybe "Amon the Thugs" by Bill Buford if you want to see and understand where I am coming from in some small way. Yes, I know that there is probably a dozen or so books by highly skilled scholars dealing with the same subject and probably manages to explain parts of it quite well but I doubt that the really get it, that they really understand why people act like they do on their own emotional level. And I doubt that they can convey that understanding to reader properly, on an emotional level. It like book about neo nazism. There's hundreds of reports about kids from socially 'challenged' areas, explaining how they search for some point and meaning. But that doesn't make you understand the hate they feel. Not really. It makes you understand that they hate and why they hate, but not the hate in itself. It is like that.

Anyways, those are the books that I mostly recognize (parts of) myself in. Unfortunately.

"I don't think you can be very funny about metal"

According to my facebook social profile I was
"reviewed for dating 235 times and 5 people expressed interest in you.You are more desirable than 50% of 30,358,409 people.

Last week you were viewed 12 times and no people expressed interested in you."´

Is that supposed to be good news? The vast majority of people on the interwebz don't want me, but there are 150 000 000 people that are wanted even less? I find this hilarious.

Been listening to Tiamats latest effort lately. And it is brilliant. I love it. Love it. It brings back memories of when I bought Skeleton Skeletron back in maybe 1999 or 2000 and I just loved it to death. I listened to Tiamat an awful lot for a few years there (and mostly that record), but for some reason I stopped. Or I didn't appreciate them as much as I maybe should. I don't know. But they still remain one of the few bands that have managed to somehow wed anything remotely gothic to metal (the other examples are Celtic Frost, Root, Fields Of The Nephilim and maybe Katatonia) without it becoming a total revelry in cheese, latex pants, disgusting "growl meets opera"-vocals and an all out prettiness.

And as a big plus in my book is that there has always been something satanic about Tiamat (something that is also true for the other bands I mentioned), although there is a sort of Milton-inspired Satan possessing Tiamat. Quite playful and beautiful, yet dangerous and still the Prince of Lies. The Devil shows himself differently in the other bands I mentioned but He is still there, in one aspect or another.

One thing I hate more than everything else when it comes to music is bands and artist that don't dare to take what they do seriously. It is the easiest thing in the world to start a black metal parody band It's like stealing candy from a baby, and just about as challenging. Now, I am not saying that you can't be playful or humorous in what you do (just look at Laibach. Or Tiamat for that matter.) I'm just saying that I am fucking sick and tired of people that don't even try to take their shit seriously. It shows a lack of respect, a lack of guts and above all, a lack of love. Or put in the words of swedish hardcore heroes Anatomi-71: "Ta din jävla glimt i ögat och lämna mig ifred!"

Illness/Alienation

Open letter from Jean-Paul Sartre to the original SPK.

Although the original SPK were of course loons, they were (and are) still interesting. And the letter touched upon quite interesting factors of our world, such as the fact that the capitalist machinery/system builds on and needs illness/alienation (or as it is put in the letter (although it is not Sartre's words), ilnnes and alienation is the "prerequisite and result" of a capitalist system.). In other words, the capitalist system needs us to feel alienated in order to consume so that we by consuming is trying to rid ourselves of the alienation. What the SPK did was taking that one step further and say that mental illness is a form of alienation (if I understand it correctly), that we all are mentally ill and what defines the 'healthy' or the 'cured' is the ability to work (although that is more or less a paraphrase of Sartre's words).

On another note I am listening to the Fixmer/mcCarthy-album "Between The Devil." Pretty good. At times Fixmer's techno influences shine through a bit too much and makes the thing feel a bit stupid (I know, I like VON and Archgoat and shouldn't talk about stupid music), but mostly they keep it under control and make those influneces just sound nice and monotonous. Which I like. No songs that directly stands out but then again, when it comes to electronical music it tends to take a while for me to notice such things. I'm quite surprised at the ability to make the album sound so 'alive' and pulsating, yet quite monotonous. I quite like monotony in music but it has to feel alive and I think they pulled it of somehow. I just can't really put my finger on why.

...and I listened to a new Nitzer Ebb song called "Payroll." It really sucked. All I could think about was Rage Against The Machine when I heard it. Awful. But the thing that made it awful wasn't as much the music as the vocals... I can't really describe it but it sounded old in a bad way. Dated (outdated even!). 15 years after it't time. I hope they don't think it's some sort of hit or something. I actually remember seeing them playing it live and remember thinking "well, this was a bore." And you know what else? They remind me of Venom, however strange it may sound. They played live 6 months earlier, they played mostly old hits and the played a new song that sucked ass and it sounded like "payroll"!!! I mean, the phrasing of the vocals was similar and I remember that I really was a bit disgusted by that song ("House of Pain").

Retribution

I wonder if I'm just too sensitive, socially? I mean, if i pick up on things too easy? You know, something that is supposed to be a small hint becomes a gigantic hint and something that is nothing becomes something. I wonder if I think that the rest of the world is like me and shut up until I (think I) know what is coming out and if I therefore am scared of people who isn't like that?

Why couldn't I have started this journey years ago? I have wasted myself, among other things.

I'm so afraid of failing now. I wish I could see things beyond the mistakes. I wish these pangs of betrayal would go away. I do not want them there. They do not make it easy to sleep at night (I spent last night crying of both sorrow and anger).

Am I feeling all the things I have never let myself feel all at once?

I remember the night when I realized that she was probably in over her head in this. I had never doubted her before. Not like tha. Not about such things. Stupid of my, maybe. If I hadn't had such much faith in her and her... I don't know what to call it. Keen emotions? Selfknowledge? If I hadn't had that faith, maybe I would have tried harder. But she knows herself (or so I believed). I don't know myself. I don't know who I am or what makes me tick or what there really is under and inside me.

For me, there are things you do, things you feel and things you think. And these three are separate, and need to be. Or I don't really know what I will do. I mean it. If I act on my emotiones, jailtime might be needed. Not right now, but in the past.

I don't know what I want to say with this. Maybe just that I have had lifelong training in not showing what I feel about anything to anyone, least of all myself. I don't know.

I feel so far away. I don't like it. I fear it. It is like some kind of nightmare.

Cigarettes, then bed.

And GOD! I want that jacket! Despite it's flaws (like the fact that it is so weird that it will probably only look ridiculous in 1 year, and the fact that I could hardly button it) it was perfect. You see, I like my clothes tight. And this was tight. I think I should try it with a shirt on instead of a T-shirt, to see what it does to the cuffs...

Watches & Guns

The watch I bought reminds me of something. Of a certain act, a certain feeling. But first things first. I have the watch in my pocket. I don't use it, but I have it with me. I am however quite scared that someone will see it. Because it is silly. First of all, no one wears a watch anymore. Second, it is a pocket watch. It is not really something that you carry around with you if you want people to take you seriously.

It reminds me of when I was a kid and played with toy guns and stuff for a longer (much longer) time than my 'peers'. I sometimes would carry a toy gun in my pocket, or a toy knife or something else. Probably because it made it possible for me to imagine that I was someone else. And I was always terrified that I would be found out, because if you are over a certain age you don't play with toys. There was no way that the other kids would see me as I imagined myself. They would laugh and everything would be even worse. It feels like that with the watch. But I don't know who or what I am imagining myself to be. But I am starting to get the feeling that that imagining, that act of make believe didn't stop there and start again here. I get the feeling that it is something I have always done. Dressing up, making myself someone else, something else. It definitely feels like that is part of what I am doing now. I think that is why I am so afraid of someone seeing through me, seeing when I don't know the rules, seeing when I mess up. Because then I once again will be the kid with the toy gun (or, in fact, the kid with the My Little Pony in his desk). The mask will inevetably fall. You know what I am saying?

To think that I have been so shaped by those years. I believe that most of it happened during 3 years. It scares me, because what have the other 22 years of history in store for me?

The idea that other people could possibly understand me is still something I find hard to believe in.

I remember when I drew a heart in lipstick on her bathroom mirror. I remember her frown when she saw that. I also remember that she let it stay for a long time, but mostly I remember her frown.

I hate this society based on consumption. I don't hate it because it fills our lives with things instead of meaning or any of that hippie bullshit. I hate it because I am not a part of it. I am not a part of that or anything else. Always slightly on the outside, never fully in the know. Never part of those that makes the rules or get away with breaking them. Never part of any society or any scene, always the one to be picked last for the team when it's time to play football. And if I where to be picked earlier it would be (in my mind) an act of misguided altruism and therefore quite humiliating. And still...

How do you do to be yourself? Can you be yourself? Isn't everyone, in one way or the other, just a reflection of the rest of the world?

I don't know if I want to go out and get really drunk or if I just want to go home to my couch (which shall soon be upgraded to a bed) and read and think. I don't really want to think anymore. But I don't want to get hung over either.

Perpetuum Mobile

I have a terrible fear of rejection. It's a big part of my life, that fear. It is quite possible one of the reasons (if it isn't THE reason) why I haven't tried to do anything with my life. Being rejected. The worst feeling there is. Not good enough. And at the times when I am not rejected I feel like the kid that gets picked out last to the football team. I still can't believe that anyone would choose me for me. Choose me because they want to be with me, because I can add something unique. I can't believe it. Not emotionally. That's why I rarely call my friends or loved ones. I know I am in the way. That's why It is hard for me to get new friends. Why would they wan't me? And if I like them, why would I bother them with me?

I'm sitting in the ashes of myself just waiting. Waiting to get the strenght to stand up and walk away. Waiting for a wind to come and blow the dust and ash away, to destroy even the illusions. In one way I impatiently wait for the wind. In another I dread it so much.

Fuck. Why do I always have to do it like this? Why do I wait for things to happen? Why don't I ever make them happen myself? It is so cowardly.

I have no rudder or compass and the sky is dark so I can't see the stars. I can't navigate. I don't know where I am and I don't know where I'm going. In one way it gives me a sense of freedom but as I have written before, freedom is not always a good thing. It gives me the freedom to take my ship in the wrong direction. To fall of the edge of the world. To fail. I don't mind the hardship. I don't mind the struggle. Or, I wouldn't mind the struggle if I thought it would be worth it. No, noth worth it. If I thought there was a point to overcome shit. If I thought it would make a difference. If you picture it like this: I have crossed a desert and now I'm facing a jungle. I have to fight my way through that jungle, I have to chop my way through it. On the other end of that jungle lies another desert. And on the other end of that desert lies another jungle. And so on and so forth. Is there a oasis in one of these deserts and will I find it? Is there something beyond all these deserts and jungles? I can't feel that there is. But do I have a choice besides moving on?


And the parade keeps marching on. At times it disgusts me. At times it scares me. At times it overwhelmes me. But the funny thing is that right now it almost amuses me.

Nox Exterior

It's been a pretty good day, I guess. Work was busy but it was perfectly OK. My back wasn't acting up. No foul moods. Got a really nice and warm black-and-grey sweater with a little unicorn on it. Really nice. Got my pay (not much, but it will work out). Got a phone call that said that my computer is fixed and as far as I understood it I don't have to pay shit. I will actually get money back. + I should be getting some money that people own me in the coming months. And that means a new mobile phone. My only problem is how I will have time to fix the last things before leaving on christmas eve. Got to get an iPod charger tomorrow. Got to do a ton of dishes. Got to buy some chocolate for my work mates (=kissing ass). Got to get totally, incredibly drunk with old work mates 2 nights in a row. Got to study.

One thing I have come to realize is the fact that I smoke incredibly much and eat next to nothing. Not good.

Love my new grey pants, though. And my new suspenders.

Summertime Blues

Yeah. My Baby left today. Not forever, but for a week. Can't sleep alone. Or to be more precise, I have a problem with going to sleep alone. Doesn't seem to be a reason to go to sleep when you are alone. Especially when you don't have anything to get up to in the mornings.

But I'll guess it will workitself out. It always does, somehow.

Met up with friends S & J today. Real nice. Spent a couple of hours wandering about town and eating and stuff. But I have the same problem I always have with people. I feel like I take up too much time and space. I always end up holding a lecture about something to people, and you don't reallt want to lecture your friends, even when it's about something silly like japanese nationalism and stuff like that. Plus, I think that S needs the space and attention right now. She doesn't seem to feel that good these days. And I think I understand why. But I don't know how to bring it up. And I don't want to bring it up when we are not alone. Still, it was a good day.

On another note: don't you feel that the al-Qaida panic in the UK is a bit... I mean, if it was al-Qaida planting these car bombs and stuff, they have become very clumsy. Think about it: when they do things they are brilliantly planned, quite complicated (like setting of charges at different times for maximum effect) tactical works of terrorist art. Someone setting a car on fire and rolling (or the other way around) it into an airport... Feels like the little league.

And how fitting isn't it that CIA just happened to find a Hizbollah-member amongst iraqi prisoners, who supposedly was in Irag on Irans mission, training Shia militias to kill american soldiers? Yeah, right. I mean, I have no doubt that Iran are supporting Shia militias in Irag (because Irans supports Shias everywhere), but I seriously doubt that they are actively encouraging these supportees to attack americans. Sure, they are religious fanatics, but the thing that people don't think about is the fact that they are pragmatic religious fanatics. And giving the US of A more of a reason to invade, or be otherwise aggressive... Naah. I mean, it's not like they are getting nukes because they want to blow up the world for Allah. They are doing it to get attention. Remember that the USA don acknowledge Iran as a legitimate state and regional power. Iran has previously promised to help transform both Hamas and Hizbollah to strictly poliical and social organisations in exchange for western recognition. But the US wouldn't give them that. Plus they started drawing up battle plans by throwing dart on a map of the middle east. And Iran has extrememly severe economical problems. So the nuclear program is basically a way for Iran to force the west to communicate with them directly (and it works), to tell the US to stay tha fuck away and to gather the people against a common enemy (Israel and the US. And it works) to take their minds of the fact that the live in an economical dung heap. I'm not saying that they aren't dangerous. I'm not saying that I support the regime. I'm just saying that they ain't insane.

Interesting little bit of fact: did you know that Iran had troops in Afghanistan fighting the taliban long before the US or any other western force?

Silly

Just read through a lot of the posts on this blog and found out that the majority is about me whining about me being lazy and drunk. I think I write a lot here when I'm hung over.

Silly me.

Life Ain't Nuthin' But Bitches & Money

Yeah. Something like that.

Found out that I passed the last exam. So now I just have to find 3 more points before august. Haha. But I think I'll sort that out. I hope so, anyway.

But I got a strange call from my employer this morning. She was saying that the Big Boss had written an e-mail explaining that he wanted us to do an inventory over the candy, cokes and ice creams because he had gotten som 'bad vibes' when he was out there yesterday and I was taking a 5 minute break, sitting on a chair and eating an ice cream. I had already paid for the ice cream. OK, maybe I shouldn't be sitting down like that when I am the only one in the store, but hey... Am I supposed to work alone for 6 hours without any sort of break? And I had, previously to my break, done maybe a quarter of my work, so it wasn't like the shit wasn't going to get done.

But what I don't get is why he got 'bad vibes' that made him want us to do inventory? I mean, I could partially understand if he thought that I was lazy, but does he think that I was stealing beause I had an ice cream?

Fucking whack job.

I am so tired. I haven't done anything today. I have hardly gotten out of bed. I usually only feel like this in the winters.

Funny

I actually went out with some class mates the other day and managed to stay quite sober. But somehow I got in a fight with some girl. A stranger. Won't bore you with the details, but it ended up with her just being a total jerk with absolutely no political analyzing skills whatsoever and the rethoric of a demented five year old and me kindly enlightening her of those facts. Plus I told her she was more stupid than the nazis, wich made her run away and cry. I think she was jewish.

I feel a bit bad about the last part. Not about making her sad or upset, but making her sad and upset with something that had to do with the original discussion would have made everything much better.

Anyways, she was a moron and a jerk. And I feel remarkably good about myself. Or not as bad as I usually would have in a situation like this. I wonder if it is the lack of alcohol or if it is because I was right and won?

Consumption & Extinction

I got a problem with consumption. When I smoke, I smoke a lot and fast. When I drink I drink a lot and fast. Not so much with the eating, thoug. Altough I got a tendensy to eat fucked up things (like chocolate pudding and crayfish. Or coke and a bunch of sausages.).

I got a problem with consumption and I think it starts to effect my body and health.

I'm starting to get fucked up. I feel like total shit right now.

Right now it's Nietzsche, Sartre, Heidegger och Schopenhauer. That's da fire.

Eff Off

Got to get my shit together. I got to stop drinking. When drunk, I just spend time trying to prove to other people how cool and extreme I am. It's not fun at all. It just makes me feel silly. And sad. And pathetic.

Why am I doing this? It's despicable. Disgusting. Low.

Silencer

Don't really know how much longer this is going to hold. Just feels like something is overdue. You know, I should have gotten a real serious beating by know, behaving like I do when I'm drunk. Seriously, I'm no fun. At least not in public, coz I HATE people. It's a love/hate thing and it expands to a LOVE/HATE thing when I'm drunk. I wanna talk to people, but I loathe them at the same time. Start being mean and shit. Feel so bad afterwards.

Anyways, I had a great time at Linnéas the other day. I was drunk. And nice. Lots of fun people. People like me. Just think I was naughty maybe once or twice, but that was funny. For real. L was there to. Was nice. Spending time with friends and both having a nice time.

My studies are going to shit right now. Just to lazy and unfocused.

New music:http://www.diagnoselebensgefahr.com/
Check it out. Seriously demented.

Metal, Madness & Beyond

GodDAMN!

I'm really metal right now. :) Ok, I've had long hair for like 7 years or something, and I always wear band-shirts (usually metal bands) but I recently discovered my old leather jacket with a big POSSESSED-logo on the back. So It's leather jacket, bullet belt, bathory shirt, tight jeans, chucks and Mercyful Fate in the iPod 24/7 right now. In a strange way it feels like I'm home. Kind of strange, because I usually detest people that look too much like what they are. You know what I mean.

Other than that... Was at my familys place over the easter. Kind of sucked. Nice to spend time with my brother & sister, but I feel kind of out of place with my parents. Like we are on different islands or something. Makes me feel really different. I have always felt different, always been different, but I don't like to feel like that with my family, you know?

Plus me and my aunt followed traditions and got in to a religious fight. She can believe in all that new age hocus pocus all she wants (lord knows I have a couple of spiritual views that ain't exactely "normal"), but when she starts talking about "cellular memory", "energys", "kundalini powers" and stuff that ALL has something to to with the physical world and our physical body... You are starting to get in to the realms of physics and science and then you gotta be prepared to prove what you are talking about. You know what I mean? IF cells have a memory then you should be able to find that memory (or at least the function of that memory), shouldn't you? But you can't. The reason that new age fucks are using scientific terminology is for the same reason that people advocating "intelligent design" are trying to use it.

I, on the other hand would say that the mixture of science and religion is only to the detriment (spelling?) of faith. It destroys faith, it destroys the basis of religion. If God is proven, where is the free choice? I would argue that God is an evil fuck, and if his existence is proven I'll hate him even more (I'm a maltheist, you could say.), but that is another issue. I would also argue that to explain the divine in terms of science or in physical terms is to limit our understanding of the divine. We're dumbing it down.

Brutality & Bloodshed

Not even 24 hours left to Celtic Frost. Can't believe that I am finally going to see Celtic Frost!



For those of you out there that hasn't understood it yet I really like Celtic Frost.

Otherwise GG Allin rules my world right now. And Rupture probably would to, if they were better. As it is it's just power violence. Still, you gotta appriciate a band that names a 7" "Soap Farm" and where the cover is a picture from a concentration camp. And then they dedicate it to the SS. You really gotta like a band that becomes a nazi band just coz they wanna piss people of even more. And I really find the fact that they became a bit Oi!-influensed around that time really funny. Probably to sound even more nazi.


Got a computer. My own. First time in years. I have now experienced the wonderful world of file sharing. I am never buying an album again in my life. Well, thats not true. I'm never going to buy a bad album again. And I've already seen season 2 of Rome! Wasn't as brilliant as season 1, but hey... I'll live.

FUBAR

More or less the story of my life right now. Started with the cat tipping over a glass of milk over the computer. Things to follow: failed test, writing an essay I don't understand shit about, hating my new class (not all of it but substantial parts), not having any money and still they run through my hands like sand, shoes breaking, a cat who won't heal, feeling more like a social misfit every day and so forth. Not to mention that my girlfriend is extremely pissed of at me for leaving that glass of milk at the desk.

Things that have brightened my life is the fact that I am going to Belgium (home of childmolestors and the deep fried snickers) to visit a friend. That will be very nice. Another thing is the almighty GALLHAMMER (http://www.gallhammer.com). Three chicks from Japan playing Hellhammer/Amebix-y black metal. Insanely good.

Oh, and I got a new computer. It's my baby. Got it this morning. It is really beautiful. A sleek, black macbook. Got a lot of nifty special effects.

Black Metal Militia

So.

I studied for my test this friday. Slept for maybe 4-5 h before, went and did the test (hard as hell), went home and tried to sleep but I had too much caffein in my system so I couldn´t sleep. L got home, we made dinner and such and then I met up with O for some beers and shit with the rest of my class. Ended up with me getting into bed at 4 in the morning. Was supposed to be at work at 10, but overslept a bit. Woke up with a cigarette burn mark on my finger. Went to work. Worked (total hell) until 5. Got home at around 6 in the evening, crashed on the couch for a couple of hours. Woke up. Tried to eat something. Went into town to see Nice Idiot and Sanctuary In Blasphemy with a storming head ache around 9-10. Drank a beer and was a bit bored by SIB. Met up with some friend at the gig (that was nice) and went to Watains release party. Strange place and strange party. It was in the back room of Engelen, wich ment that there was a whole lot of "normal" people + a bunch of smelly metal heads , devil worshippers and neonazis. Fucked up. And the audience at the release party... It was like it was The World Championship in "Evil Shirts, Manly Tattoos and Stupid Macho Poses". And I got a bunch of evil shirts and manly tattoos (not that many macho poses, though) and I just really felt out of place. So we stayed there for maybe two hour (bought the new Watain CD. Totally brilliant, as always.) and I drank another beer. Met up with some people at the subway and talked a bit (talked with K and that is always nice. We always seem to be on the same wavelength. But that also means that we have a hard time hooking up, since we are both quite antisocial) and went to meet up with L. Then we took a cab home, went to bed. Woke up and went to work. Worked. Came home and watched "From Dusk Till Dawn" and went to bed. Was supposed to be in school at 9 am but overslept. Came at the second class att 1 pm and started the whole thing out by really getting bugged out by some of my new class "mates." One guy stared at me every chance he got. I swear, if he keeps it up I'll kick his ass. Really bugs me. And some fucking carrot top opened up a window next to us and went to sit at the other end of the room and when class was over he got all bugged 'coz I closed the window.

This is not a good period in my life. Probably not gonna pass the test. FUCK!


BUT:

You really need to check out Watains new album, "sworn to the dark". It's brilliant. It might not be too extreme musically, but the ideals behind the band... I have never known anyone so devoted to practice what the preach. It is truly amazing. The wholeness, from the live performances, to the T-shirts, to the homepage layout, to the album artwork, to the lyrics, to the music... It is so incredibly... It all works together and there is nothing there that isn't supposed to be there...

Hurra Torpedo

I got a problem. I started this blog so that I really could open myself up and write about everything. But I only write shit. Does that mean that I don't have anything to say? That there really isn't anything more about me? I'm starting to think so.