"How do you spell relief?"

"I get D-R-U-N-K."

You got to love David Allen Coe. Sure, he's a redneck, racist, white trash country singer, but still... Country this full och clichés must be at least admired.

"I don't need no doctor
Tell me what is wrong
I can fill my own perscriptions
And it lasts me all night long
It's the perfect medication
For an ailment such as mine
I forget about the tears I've cried
When the whiskey hits my mind"


The problem is, I don't drink when I'm depressed. I drink when I am happy or bored. Battling depressions with alcohol has never really worked for me. Partly because I become a Sad Pathetic Drunk and partly because being hung over makes me depressed. But I kind of wish that I could be a cool comwboy type just sitting in some joint downing one whiskey after another and then get into a good natured fight or something. But I am a horrible drunk and an even worse fighter. Come to think of it I am very surprised that I don't get beaten up more often, considering how annoying I can be. I obviously hang out at the right places with the right kind of folk. But still... I didn't get beaten up in Belgium and there I defenitely didn't hang with the right crowd and I was REALLY annoying there (and really drunk).

Well well, back to D.A.C. Here's what probably is my favourite.

IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY

IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, IT'LL HAIRLIP THE POPE
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, IT'S A DAMN GOOD JOKE
I'VE SEEN THE GRAND OL' OPRY AND I'VE SEEN JOHNNY CASH
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS

THE OLD MAN WAS COVERED WITH TATTOOS AND SCARS
HE GOT SOME IN PRISON AND OTHERS IN BARS
THE REST HE GOT WORKIN' ON OLD JUNK CARS - IN THE DAY TIME

THEY LOOKED LIKE TOMBSTONES IN OUR YARD
AND I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM WHEN HE WASN'T TARD - AND MEAN

HE SOLD USED CARS TO MAKE ENDS MEET
COVERED WITH GREASE FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS FEET
CUSSIN' THE SWEAT AND THE TEXAS HEAT - AND MOSQUITERS

AND THE NEIGHBORS SAID WE LIVED LIKE HICKS
BUT THEY BRUNG THEIR CARS FOR PA TO FIX - ANYHOW

HE WAS VETERAN PROUD, TRIED AND TRUE
HE'D FOUGHT 'TIL HIS HEART WAS BLACK AND BLUE
DIDN'T KNOW HOW HE'D MADE IT THROUGH - THE HARD TIMES

HE'D BOUGHT OUR HOUSE ON THE GI BILL
BUT IT WASN'T WORTH ALL HE'D HAD TO KILL - TO GET IT

HE DRANK PEARL IN A CAN AND JACK DANIELS BLACK
CHEWED TOBACCO FROM A MAILPOUCH SACK
HAD AN OLD DOG THAT WAS TRAINED TO ATTACK - SOMETIMES

HE GOT DRUNK AND MEAN AS A RATTLESNAKE
AND THERE WASN'T TOO MUCH THAT HE WOULD TAKE - FROM A STRANGER

THERE WAS 13 KIDS AND A BUNCH OF DOGS
A HOUSE FULL OF CHICKENS AND A YARD FULL OF HOGS
AND I SPENT THE SUMMERTIME CUTTIN' UP WOOD FOR THE WINTER
TRYIN' LIKE THE DEVIL TO FIND THE LORD
WORKIN' LIKE A DEMON FOR MY ROOM AND BOARD
A COAL BURNIN' STOVE, NO NATURAL GAS
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS

MAMA SELLS EGGS AT THE GROCERY STORE
MY OLDEST SISTER IS A FIRST RATE WHORE
DAD SAYS SHE CAN'T COME HOME ANYMORE - AND HE MEANS IT

MA JUST SITS AND KEEPS HER SILENCE
SISTER SHE LEFT 'CAUSE DAD GOT VIOLENT - AND HE KNOWS IT

MAMA SHE'S OLD FAR BEYOND HER TIME
FROM CHOPPIN' TOBACCO AND I'VE SEEN HER CRYIN'
WHEN BLOOD STARTED FLOWIN' FROM HER CALLOUSED HAND - AND IT HURT ME

SHE'D JUST KEEP WORKIN' TRYIN' TO HELP THE OLD MAN
TO THE END OF ONE ROW AND BACK AGAIN - LIKE ALWAYS

SHE'S BEEN THROUGH HELL SINCE JUNIOR WENT TO JAIL
WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT SHE AIN'T NEVER FAILED
TO GET DOWN ON HER KNEES AND PRAY - BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM

TOLD ALL THE NEIGHBORS HE WAS OFF IN THE WAR
FIGHTIN' FOR FREEDOM - HE'S GOOD TO THE CORE - AND SHE'S PROUD

NOW OUR PLACE WAS A GRAVE YARD FOR AUTOMOBILES
AT THE END OF THE PORCH WAS FOUR STACKS OF WHEELS
AND TIRES FOR SALE FOR A DOLLAR OR TWO - CASH

THERE WAS 50 HOLES IN THE OL' TIN ROOF
ME AND MY FAMILY WAS LIVIN' PROOF
OF PEOPLE WHO FORGOT ABOUT POOR WHITE TRASH
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS

I'M THINKIN' TONIGHT OF MY BLUE EYES
CONCERNING THE GREAT SPECKLED BIRD
I DIDN'T KNOW GOD MADE HONKY- TONK ANGELS
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS


There.