"Love is a flame, a Devils thing"

I have been meaning to write about this for some time now.

I saw a picture of them once. It made my heart skip a couple of beats and... Well, it wasn't a nice feeling. But there was something in it that made me keep looking. And after a while I realized what it was. In that captured moment, she looks happy. Like in that moment, everything she needed to feel well was there. And not only did she look happy. He did too.

In one way it broke my heart. But in another it made me glad. I felt glad that she felt like that. And I felt glad that she was with someone who felt like that about being with her. And how could I possibly stand in the way of something like that? Where would the honour be in that? And even if I could do something, what good would that do? Make us all miserable?

I guess that is one of the things that saves this.

Walking In The Rain

"Walking down the street
Kicking cans
Looking at the billboard
Also ran
Summing up the people
Checking out the race
Doing what I'm doing
Feeling out of place

Walking, walking in the rain

Feeling like a woman
Looking like a man
Sounding like a no-no
Make it when I can
Whistling in the darkness
Shining in the light
Coming to conclusion
Right is might is tight

Walking, walking in the rain

Come in all you jesters
Enter all you fools
Sit down no-no
Ogre, ghouls
Trip the light fantastic
Dance the swivel hips
Coming to conclusion
Button up your lips

Walking, walking in the rain

Walking, walking in the rain"


Otherwise? I just came to the conclusion that my "social competence" during these last months have not been completely altruistic (although I have been working hard on making this situation better and good). In some ways it is a form of of revenge. In some ways it is the old protection showing it's face. Not letting anyone get to me. Or at least, showing that they get to me. And in some ways it was a relief to lose. Or be beat. Or how you want to put it. It's not the right words, but it is the words I got. Just a relief to be in a situation where you know where you are. It sound fucked, I know. It is fucked. The world is fucked. My world is fucked.

Well, got to work now.

"Point? There is no point."

I remember when all this broke loose. I was at my parents place. And I started to cry in front of my father. And he did nothing. I know that it wasn't because he didn't care. It was because he did not know what to do. He was scared.

So I talked about it the other day and came to the conclusion that I am just like that. Some opposition was raised, but look at the facts.

There are numerous times when I did something that I realized was wrong and instead of going in and apologizing I just stormed of and hid because I was afraid. And I was ashamed of myself.

I remember when S and E broke up. It scared me to death. Not because I thought that it would fuck up my relationship, but because I didn't know what to do. Not once did I ask her how she was doing. Not once did I call her and ask her how she was dealing with this, how she was dealing with life, how she was coping, if she needed or wanted company or someone to talk to. Not once. Because I was afraid. Afraid of what? Stupid Fucking Idiot. Like with mys sister. When she and M broke up, did I call her to ask how she was doing? Did I ever bring it up? Or when she was dating that idiot, did I ever talk to her? No. Have I ever done that to anybody? I can't remember a single incident when I haven't shyed away from it. Until all this shit hit the fan. But I can feel it disappearing. The guts, not the knowledge.

This runs through my life. Just a series of missed chances to just ask people "how are you doing? Really?"

I don't know how to do this.

Most days I am pretty OK. I keep myself occupied. I read. I walk. I work. I spend time with people. I listen to music. I think. I think about things that have nothing to do with this. I fantazise. I dream. So most days I am pretty OK. But I still have a hole in me. In my life. It is a weird feeling, this. Just missing something. Just missing a point, a reason. Maybe it is good, in the kind of "what doesn't kill you make you stronger" kind of way. It's just strange. I can't remember ever having felt like this before. There was always some kind of point. Something that just made it feel... Like there was a point. Something a bit bigger than just amusing for five minutes. Because that is all that I am doing now. Just finding stuff that is funny right now. And in a way I always envied her ability to do that. To find such joy in a smell, or how something looked. Or the feel of paper. Or the feel of someones skin. It just doesn't feel as big to me. Or maybe it does. Maybe my expectations of what life is about is too big.

And yes yes. I know there are lots of things and people in my life and bla bla bla. That is not the point.

You know...

I love Dead Can Dance and I love this song, but come on! Hippies! I mean , look at them. OK, Lisa Gerrard looks kind of weird in a cool way and Brendan Perry looks like a bum who likes to read books and that's cool. But the rest of them! I bey you a fucking fortune that when they are not playing with Dead Can Dance they are swordmakers or make their own mead or make chain mail armour. Except maybe the guy on the synth/keybord. He got a bit more of a rejected serial killer-look going on. I can respect that.





Other news? I have come to realize that when I am working I spend the whole days alone. I wake up alone and go to bed alone. Talking to no one that matters for days at a time. I am not good company for myself. Not now.

Just wish for... I don't know. I don't know. Anything.

It's interesting, the ways you feel alone and shielded of from the world.
In some ways I feel left behind. Like I am still where I once was and the rest of the world is far ahead. In some ways I feel like I am (as I have said before) seven million miles beyond the sun. Like I am, by my own travels, so far away from the rest of humanity. Like I can't even relate to humans anymore. Like the only things I know about are things that 'normal' people don't know or understand. Or they do and have shunned it.

I don't know... I think I have a problem with hanging out with people who might be more than intellectual equals. It's the barbarian in Rome-thing. There are very few persons that I feel that I don't have anything to prove to. I could count them on one hand.

And I realized, when I tried to explore that Lump-feeling, that I can still make myself cry. Awful. Thought I had passed some kind of road bump, but no. Got to try and stop picking the scabs. Or something. It's just that I have to provoke myself in some way or things will stay hidden. It's hard to analyze your feelings when you don't know them. When you are so used to them that they feel like a neutrum. Like normality.

Every man is an island

I got this feeling in me and it is slowly driving me a little bit insane, I think. Because I don't know what it is. It isn't a good feeling, but I don't know what it is. I'm trying to figure it out. I am trying to feel it, to embrace it. Not too much, but a little. But nothing. It just sits there like a black tumour in my chest. It doesn't move or squirm when I poke it. I'm trying to think about other feelings, trying to think about things that usually make me upset, trying to provoke it, but the Lump ain't reacting. It doesn't get better and it doesn't get worse. That feeling, the Lump-feeling is the same. I don't know what it is. I feel like it's just a bag of worries hanging from my heart. The perpetual sum of life, or something like that.


In so many ways I feel destroyed. So utterly destroyed and almost violated. By myself and by the world. And I want to move in some kind of direction, but everywhere I look, every direction there is I only see people and worlds and ideas and feelings that I am either diametrically opposed or that I am just not included in. And couldn't be included in no matter how hard I tried. I thought there was something else, you know? That when I had torn the walls down a bit I would be free. That it would be painful and humiliating but that it would set me free. But now it just feels like the only way there is for anyone in the world, the only way allowed by the human consensus is to build walls. And the only choice I got is the cosmetic details of the wall I'm going to build.

I'm worried. I can't find the words anymore (if I ever could). I feel all these things but I can't find the words. I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know how to deal with it if I don't know what it is. I feel like something is hunting me. I think I have always had that feeling. I'm just rehashing the same old shit all the time, about not being able to do yaddayaddayadda. I'm treading water now.

I wish I could shake this feeling of exhaustion of me.

And I always got my shield on my arm.

On another note, my feet hurt like hell. But that's ok, because they look good. And I got the most amusing compliment yesterday. Apparently I have a good looking profile.

"Det är inte alltid man gillar det man gillar"

So... I got a bit of an akward feeling right now. I had a prett OK night last night, although I was pretty nervous when I got there (and during the evening), which is silly. Anyway, as always I cured it with becoming tipsy and maybe a bit intense socially (ie talking a lot). The rest of the night kind of went back and forth between thinking "I'm here to entertain myself, not other people, so I don't give a fuck about what they might be thinking. I'm here for ME" to a feeling of having to excuse myself.

You think you live a sheltered, safe and quiet little life and then you just start to think about the shit you actually have seen and the misfits you actually know. And although you know that you probably shouldn't, in one way you love it. And in another it feels so sad.

"Det är inte alltid man gillar det man gillar." But you'd like to.

I don't know, but it would be nice to be able to be in any kind of social situation without feeling like an elephant in a china shop.

Fuck it. Got to go to work.