Every man is an island

I got this feeling in me and it is slowly driving me a little bit insane, I think. Because I don't know what it is. It isn't a good feeling, but I don't know what it is. I'm trying to figure it out. I am trying to feel it, to embrace it. Not too much, but a little. But nothing. It just sits there like a black tumour in my chest. It doesn't move or squirm when I poke it. I'm trying to think about other feelings, trying to think about things that usually make me upset, trying to provoke it, but the Lump ain't reacting. It doesn't get better and it doesn't get worse. That feeling, the Lump-feeling is the same. I don't know what it is. I feel like it's just a bag of worries hanging from my heart. The perpetual sum of life, or something like that.


In so many ways I feel destroyed. So utterly destroyed and almost violated. By myself and by the world. And I want to move in some kind of direction, but everywhere I look, every direction there is I only see people and worlds and ideas and feelings that I am either diametrically opposed or that I am just not included in. And couldn't be included in no matter how hard I tried. I thought there was something else, you know? That when I had torn the walls down a bit I would be free. That it would be painful and humiliating but that it would set me free. But now it just feels like the only way there is for anyone in the world, the only way allowed by the human consensus is to build walls. And the only choice I got is the cosmetic details of the wall I'm going to build.

I'm worried. I can't find the words anymore (if I ever could). I feel all these things but I can't find the words. I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know how to deal with it if I don't know what it is. I feel like something is hunting me. I think I have always had that feeling. I'm just rehashing the same old shit all the time, about not being able to do yaddayaddayadda. I'm treading water now.

I wish I could shake this feeling of exhaustion of me.

And I always got my shield on my arm.

On another note, my feet hurt like hell. But that's ok, because they look good. And I got the most amusing compliment yesterday. Apparently I have a good looking profile.