Got a new, just about perfect black leather jacket with white shoulders. Brilliance.

Other news? Spent the night at S's place, and that was nice. Nice to clear your head a bit and just talk about nothing special and spending time with friends. I feel I maybe wasn't really good company, but you can't get everything. The night, however, was spent thinking and trying to sleep on a sofa that was too short. Thinking isn't good.

Fuck it. Got to work. Everything is chaos here.

Grenouille

Just finished watching 'Perfume.' Absolutely insanely good. And beautiful. So beautiful. Even the discusting opening scene was amazingly beautiful. And Grenouille... I think I fell a bit in love with him (please keep in mind that you are dealing with a man who in strange ways admire Carl Panzram). Marvelous. I almost cried during the orgie scene. Especially when the old couple kissed. A bit of lesbo action there, but I only saw one hint of male-on-male. A bit boring. Could have been more dirty male snail munchers going at each other, but I guess you have to please the hypocritical audience a bit.

Strongly recommended. I don't know if I can watch it again, but I have to buy it nevertheless. I need to have it in the collection.

AAAARGH!!!!

Go AWAY! I DO NOT want to discuss Nightwish with you! I don't care if their singers sound different! They both suck! Having long hair does NOT mean that I like every fucking pussy ass band with electric guitars in existance! Especially not if they are from Finland. Beherit and Impaled Nazarene, OK. I'll talk about them all you want, but I do NOT want to talk about that sönderknullade jävla symfonimetalbandet! DRA ÅT HELVETE! And I will most definitely not talk about Within Temptation. Having long hair does not mean that we are friends! I am wearing a Bathory-shirt and a big ass baphomet tattoo all over my arm! Do you sincerely think that I care about fucking fantasy barbie metal? Id does not mean "lets be friends and hug", it means FUCK OFF!!! I mean seriosly. You are over 30. Somewhere along the line one would think that you had developed something called taste.

Whoooo...

God I hate people. If you are going to be an inbred idiot, you don't have to share. I swear, the revolution is not far away.

Otherwise I'm still bouncing between heaven and hell. When I am not alone everything feels fine, but as soon as I am alone I dissapear into myself and I just get scared. I don't know of what. Yeah, I do. But I don't reckon the decisive details of that drama will take place during the 6 hours I am at work. Otherwise... I feel that my issues are pretty much resolved. At least right now. I don't feel bad thinking about them. That feels pretty OK. So I don't know...

I guess there was no way of avoiding any of this (well, there are at least one thing I could have avoided), so I guess I/we will just have to push through. Or something.

Better out than in, I suppose.

I'm going to meet S & J tomorrow. It will be nice. Brilliant women folk. I'm thinking maybe I should spend the night. Don't know if I will feel good doing that. Maybe it will be good for me/us, but I don't know how I feel... Scared, I guess.

I Have Always Been Here Before

Who am I kidding. I have always known him. I just wasn't expecting him here. And now. I thought I'h managed to keep him out of this part of my life, by love and trust. But apparently now. One broke and made a little hole in the damm. And He pushed through and made the hole big, black and ugly. Filled woth rotting, oily black bile pouring out. Rotting, oily black bile that I only half knew existed. Have you seen the cover to "Altars Of Madness"?
I imagine it to look something like this.

You do notice that I am reading too much fantasy and lovecraft, don't you?


Am I making any sense? At all? Every time I try and talk I just end up with an enormous lump of sadness, regrett and hate in my throat and I just can't. In those moments I am absolutely convinced that I cant continue, partly because it is physically impossible and partly because if I do continue nothing good will come out.

I don't know about the hate, though... Maybe it is a lack of hate and anger. Maybe I'm just wishing for there to be hate. Maybe I'm fooling myself. I don't hate. I'm not that angry. Maybe I feel that I should be angry and hatefull. Maybe that is a part of the problem. Some kind of anticipated reaction that I am not having, and not having it makes me worried? Makes me wondering if it is there but hiding? I am trying so hard to always see things from some kind of objective view. Maybe I am not seeing myself? Or maybe there is nothing of myself to see? Maybe I see things right, but society have taught me to see things differently? I don't know.

Being alone screws me up. Too much time on my hands makes the problems grow in my mind. Maybe they should grow. Maybe I don't see them for what they are when I am not alone? But do I see them correctly when I am? I don't know. Right now I only know one thing, and that is how I don't want this to end, but how do I/we get there? I don't know. Right now I don't know anything.

Screw this. Time for coffe and books.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVTN5o9Kgu8

I've been thinking about something. About sex. But first of all I just want to say that these days I don't really trust my thoughts. Too many 'solutions' and stuff might very well be what in swedish is called 'efterkonstruktioner' (if I knew what it was called in english I would have written it, OK?). Something that just fits in very well and feels very true, but might not be.

Anyway, sex. I believe it to be very much about closeness for me. Or that many acts that could be interpreted as purely sexual isn't that sexual. It's about being close. And I believe that to be more or less historically true, too.

I know, it sounds like I'm pretending to be a nice guy. A problem would be (both for me and the, aha, recipient) to know when they are purely sexual and when they are hardly sexual at all.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just... I don't know. I have probably forgot a lot of evidence that point to some kind of opposite.



I was told that someone close to me doesn't know if she knows me (anymore). That I showed her sides she didn't know I had. To an extent she is probably right. I believe there are parts of me that noone knows, hardly even me. I didn't know the part of me I showed her. I know him now, at least a bit. He's trying to befriend me. I call him Nojjan. I don't wan't him in my life. I hardly knew he existed. He's a destroyer. No, sorry. I am. After all, he is me. And I am constantly a little bit paranoid these days (or every other day too, for that matter. Being uncertain about the world, my place in it and peoples relationship to me is nothing new.). I tell him that he really doesn't have a reason to show up, that his existence is not justified. But he doesnt listen. So I just have to make sure he doesn't do any damage, until I can wear him down. Easier said than done, I guess.


And I am more or less paralyzed by fear. I see an option or two, but all I really can see is how taking those options will make everything fall apart. Are we that weak or is it just me?


BTW: I didn't know that Delsin played the gaytar in Billy Idols band back in the day:

A FURORE NORMANORUM LIBERA NOS, DOMINE

Something feels unfinished tonight. And I don't know if it is important or what.

So... Do I forgive too easily? I don't know. Maybe. I can forgive easy. But too easy? Or "too" is the wrong word. I just feel like... Like I could hold a grudge if I chose to do it. But I don't. Because I don't feel that much anger. But should I?

I don't know... Or am I too trusting? Or don't I have any feelings regarding myself? I'm a total fucking mess.

Got new gear today. Blew a gigantic hole in my wallet, but I guess it might be worth it. I think I should find some new shoes to. With any luck I will have a great looking leather jacket within the end of the week.

And the christian kitsch is reaching new heights. Wonderful.

Blind

I feel so fucking nervous right now. It's like ants under my skin. Itches itches itches. And crippling fear. I am constantly on the verge of throwing up. Or breaking down.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do it either.

It was nice meeting up with Suzie Q yesterday. Got a bit too drunk maybe. But I got alot of my chest. And I think she did to. I have always doubted if I really have real friends, but I am starting to suspect that I actually really do have them.