I Have Always Been Here Before

Who am I kidding. I have always known him. I just wasn't expecting him here. And now. I thought I'h managed to keep him out of this part of my life, by love and trust. But apparently now. One broke and made a little hole in the damm. And He pushed through and made the hole big, black and ugly. Filled woth rotting, oily black bile pouring out. Rotting, oily black bile that I only half knew existed. Have you seen the cover to "Altars Of Madness"?
I imagine it to look something like this.

You do notice that I am reading too much fantasy and lovecraft, don't you?


Am I making any sense? At all? Every time I try and talk I just end up with an enormous lump of sadness, regrett and hate in my throat and I just can't. In those moments I am absolutely convinced that I cant continue, partly because it is physically impossible and partly because if I do continue nothing good will come out.

I don't know about the hate, though... Maybe it is a lack of hate and anger. Maybe I'm just wishing for there to be hate. Maybe I'm fooling myself. I don't hate. I'm not that angry. Maybe I feel that I should be angry and hatefull. Maybe that is a part of the problem. Some kind of anticipated reaction that I am not having, and not having it makes me worried? Makes me wondering if it is there but hiding? I am trying so hard to always see things from some kind of objective view. Maybe I am not seeing myself? Or maybe there is nothing of myself to see? Maybe I see things right, but society have taught me to see things differently? I don't know.

Being alone screws me up. Too much time on my hands makes the problems grow in my mind. Maybe they should grow. Maybe I don't see them for what they are when I am not alone? But do I see them correctly when I am? I don't know. Right now I only know one thing, and that is how I don't want this to end, but how do I/we get there? I don't know. Right now I don't know anything.

Screw this. Time for coffe and books.