I've been thinking about something. About sex. But first of all I just want to say that these days I don't really trust my thoughts. Too many 'solutions' and stuff might very well be what in swedish is called 'efterkonstruktioner' (if I knew what it was called in english I would have written it, OK?). Something that just fits in very well and feels very true, but might not be.
Anyway, sex. I believe it to be very much about closeness for me. Or that many acts that could be interpreted as purely sexual isn't that sexual. It's about being close. And I believe that to be more or less historically true, too.
I know, it sounds like I'm pretending to be a nice guy. A problem would be (both for me and the, aha, recipient) to know when they are purely sexual and when they are hardly sexual at all.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just... I don't know. I have probably forgot a lot of evidence that point to some kind of opposite.
I was told that someone close to me doesn't know if she knows me (anymore). That I showed her sides she didn't know I had. To an extent she is probably right. I believe there are parts of me that noone knows, hardly even me. I didn't know the part of me I showed her. I know him now, at least a bit. He's trying to befriend me. I call him Nojjan. I don't wan't him in my life. I hardly knew he existed. He's a destroyer. No, sorry. I am. After all, he is me. And I am constantly a little bit paranoid these days (or every other day too, for that matter. Being uncertain about the world, my place in it and peoples relationship to me is nothing new.). I tell him that he really doesn't have a reason to show up, that his existence is not justified. But he doesnt listen. So I just have to make sure he doesn't do any damage, until I can wear him down. Easier said than done, I guess.
And I am more or less paralyzed by fear. I see an option or two, but all I really can see is how taking those options will make everything fall apart. Are we that weak or is it just me?
BTW: I didn't know that Delsin played the gaytar in Billy Idols band back in the day:
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