Death To Everyone

I just want to get it over with. Get it out of me. Just get over it totally. Completely. Everything. And just start anew. But I can't. And I don't feel like it's fair. I don't know if I'll be able to treat people fairly, to treat people the way they deserve when my mind is just boundcing of mental walls all the time.

And I'm so fucking angry at the whole world right now. I'm on the brink of getting into fights all the time. I am, very fast, moving towards the point that I don't want to return to. And I don't know what to do.

It's almost like a fucking mental plague. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be this way. Always confrontational, even more than necessary, just because offence is the best defence. And I'm just... I have nothing. I'm as closed up as ever I was. I can't reach into those parts of my soul anymore. And I'm proud. Maybe too proud.

The thought of the fact that this is a process that will last me my whole life is scaring me something fierce.

I hate people.

I hate the human race.

Rapture

My door. That's nice. It's actually mine.

Had a nice birthday. ONLY good people there. Good bands. Cheap alcohol. Hardly any hangover. Just some form of melancholia. I feel empty. I haven't even left the apartment all day except to buy pizza and smokes. And I haven't done anything besides that and listening to music. Lethargy. Great night, though. I don't think I have been so filled with life and actually joy in a long time.

I feel pissed off. I just want to say ''fuck off'' to the whole world.

I can't stand people. Just a few of them (and they really matter), but otherwise... They make me nauseous. My mind just want to throw up and I just want to go into hiding. And now I have somewhere to hide. Again.

I have no TV. I have no internet connection. I have no stereo. I hardly have any books. My movies and records are still in boxes. I have nothing to keep me busy but my own mind. And what a demon it is. But it is also nice, in some way. Nothing to distract me.

I wish I could do more for my friends. I wish I had the guts to do more.

Raus!

Got my new apartment. No internet there, yet. We'll see how we fix that.

Lot of shit to take care of. Feels nice to have a place of your own, but still... I got that feeling of panic in my stomach. It feels awful. Like everything will crash. And I will have to beg to be able to stay afloat. I hate begging.

It's so hard for me to ask for help. There's so much that I just don't... There's locks everywhere.

And there are so many practical circumstances that just keeps dragging shit out. Just keeps dragging it out. Lack of time, lack of money. Lack of fucking everything.

Shaking foundations

Pinpoint again. I feel like I make people nervous. In a bad way.



I feel so empty today. So... So unidentified. It feels strange, not knowing who you are anymore. Very alone, no matter who you share it with.

I just don't seem to be able to stop being sad. Even when I'm happy, I'm sad.

Geburtstag

My birthday is coming up. It feels strange. I've never tried to make a big thing about it, mainly because I was (and am) afraid of being disappointed. Now it feels even smaller than ever. Funny. Not that it necessarily is smaller, it's just that so much have already happened and so much is happening right now that it just don't... It feels so much smaller. Some kind of loss of innocence, maybe.

But what the fuck. I need stuff. I am both greedy and lazy, so here´s some stuff you could get me. If you'd want to. Or you could get me something else, something that I didn't know I wanted and needed.

I need knives. Kitchen knives. Good ones.
I need a black or burgundy V-necked pullover, for summer/autumn use. Or a nice cardigan.
I need money.
I need socks. Thin, black ones. Not too warm.
And that's just about it.

I also want these things from IKEA (and some other stuff from the same serie's), but I can't say that I need them right now. But anyway. If any of you care.
Molger spegelskåp:

Orgel taklampa:

Otherwise, I'm just happy for some love and attention. That's more than enough for me.

Do what thou Wilt, under Love, shall be the whole of the Law.

I've been losing my need for symbols and symbolism lately. That's interesting. It makes me think that focusing problems, attitudes and the world in general through symbols and symbolism was a way of shielding myself, of protecting myself. No, wait a minute... Saying that "it makes me think..." makes it sound like I didn't know that that was what I doing. Which I both did and do know. But I used to see it as a tool, and as a pretty good tool. But what I really am starting to think now is that no matter how good of a tool it was, it's a tool that wasn't really up for this challenge. Because no matter how epressive symbols might be, they are also limiting. They are a bit like my search for an all-permeating philosophy of life. It's not just done without limiting yourself.

Somehow I must make myself realize that there is no need for me to identify with something.

I feel more provocative than I have done for a long time, but there's a more healthy feeling to it now. The feeling of wanting a swastika tattooed on my forehead just to make the world see how much I hate it is fading. Instead it is replaced by a feeling of mischief, and I like that. A feeling of being a bit wrong just to tease peoples minds in a friendly way, not to make them hate or fear. Of being a bit 'wrong' just to provoce people to think. Maybe I'll pick up the iron cross again.

Still dying with every step I take

I wish I'd stop seeing the mistakes. I really do.