At The Mouth Of Madness

I'm watching it right now. Pretty nifty. Seems like a pretty nifty Lovecraft tribute.

Got my lovecat with me. He is not that satisfied with the situation.

I'm pretty OK today. A bit drunk. I wish I wasn't so afraid of hurting. Of hurting other people. Especially when it comes to sex. I always feel... Guilty. Or potentially guilty. Like I might hurt people. Do something wrong. Something that will hurt. Something that will destroy it.

Male guilt? Feeling the guilt of the whole patriarchy? I dont't know. Maybe.

God, I should go to bed. Or something. Feel like the little mister will keep me awake for a while.

Happiness is a warm gun

I seem to remember happiness. Don't remember what it feels like, but I remember a time when life was at least OK or better on just about every level. Not that much below OK. When I just felt that it was pretty nice to be alive. That life was pretty good, although not perfect.

Maybe I am just being nostalgic. Probably. That's the problem, innit? I can never see what I got until it's too late.

I refuse to be worried about material things anymore. Can't stand it. So what if it blows up in my face? I've been hungry before. There's more important things at stake here, although I can hardly see them anymore and the tools I once thought I had... Well, I don't know how to use them anymore (if ever I did).

It's so... I don't know. That's the problem, you see. I don't know. I feel like mist.

And that hate is coming back. I feel myself tensing up everytime I'm outside the apartment, assessing people when they pass me, always being ready. And staying in the apartment is no solution. I just disappear into space. Not thinking, just to avoid feeling.

This isn't a home. At least not my home. It's full of other people.

I just feel so wasted. Like I've wasted myself. And it feels like I'm doomed to repeat it. But maybe not.

It's just a horrible feeling, both knowing that you can't and don't want to go back, but there's nothing on the horizon to move forwards to. It's more like a death march than a race.

Should get some sleep I guess. Won't work.

Ah, fuck it. I guess tomorrow will be better, or something.

My door.

You gotta represent, ya know?

God I make myself nauseous sometimes. I just got such a problem just being at certain places... If I don't feel welcome I just want to run away and cry. It can be stores, it can be clubs, it can be parties or any kind of place or thing. And the step after that is being with people who don't get me (and there's a lot of them. I can only think of 3 or 4 people, and none of them really knows all of me.). The only way to beat that feeling is either knowing that you are welcome (and that's easy at a concert. You just have to know about music, and KNOW that you know.) or you go in with a sense and attitude of ''fuck off! You mean nothing to me because I am better than you.'' Or you sit in the corner, skulking. Feeling that you are at best tolerated.

This is no way to live. Why are people first and foremost a threat to me?

"That is not dead which forever lie..."

"...and with strange aeons even death may die."

I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could just sit and feel instead.

No, I don't want that either. There's a bit too much pain in me.

I just feel so... I don't know. Loss is a hard thing. I just don't seem to be able to let it go. And it's in the way, so much in the way. I want it out of my life, now!

I don't think people understand how large a part of me is just some sort of autopilot. How much that autopilot does not feel like me, but something that I have created to be able to meet the world. It is the part that was created when I needed to be a salesman, it is the part of me that is used to dealing with customers. Everytime I meet a new person and they for some reason thinks I am charming, it is most likely that autopilot that's turned on and that deals with it while I'm in the back seat, cowering in a corner.

It's kind of funny... Quite often the times when people seem to think I am funniest and most charming and sociable is when I'm close to panicking. When I just drop the reins.

Never mind.

I have another problem, sort of. I'm always searching for consistency. That makes me kind of black-and-white. For example: telling someone to butt out because they are disturbing and punching their face in for being even more disturbing is basically the same thing for me. If I can do the first, I should be prepared and willing to do the second if the situation warrants it. In a situation I always think about how far something can go and if I am willing to take it to the extreme. It always makes other things hard. It makes me scared. Having a row with a friend is the same thing as being willing to end the friendship. Telling someone to get a grip and behave like civilized people when they ain't is the same thing as starting a fight when someone is treating a loved one in a really disrespectful manner. It's just a question of degrees. And other people don't seem to think like that. They seem to think that people really do have some sort of morality or something. I don't have that faith in people. And that makes it kind of hard to stick up for people. No, not hard to stick up for people. That ain't the problem. Knowing when it's OK to stick up for people is the problem.

Another thing is this thing about searching for a place in the world... I mean, I despise humanity most of the time, and yet I want to be a part of it? Or do I? I don't know anymore. I feel that I'm trying to find a place among "regular" people and all I feel like saying is things like "is this your idea of entertainment? Do you think this if funny, for real?" Or the classic: "Do you really think that you are really drunk now?" I mean, I just find so many people boring, I find humanity boring and disappointing. But is that a fact or is that a defensive reaction? Do I cut them out of my life because I don't want to face their rejection?

Reading this, I realize that I sound like a fucking snob.

Horizon

Feeling better today. Could hardly sleep tonight, but I guess it helped anyway. Sort of.

It really drains you, spending time with people you don't know, people that there really isn't any connection to.

Plus, being out there just makes me feel trapped.

I guess having spent a lifetime ignoring yourself and never really letting anyone close makes it kind of hard to actually know, see and meet anything.

Horizon

Feeling better today. Could hardly sleep tonight, but I guess it helped anyway. Sort of.

It really drains you, spending time with people you don't know, people that there really isn't any connection to.

Plus, being out there just makes me feel trapped.

I guess having spent a lifetime ignoring yourself and never really letting anyone close makes it kind of hard to actually know, see and meet anything.

Mad & Sad

I don't get people. I don't get myself. I don't get it. And they don't get me. It's a weird feeling, somehow feeling like you are close to the (moral) edge all the time. And it's strange. Everything feels so strange. I'm so strange.

The past week has been good. Spent a lot of time with people I like. Why do I like them? Because they are charming and nice. Why do I feel good with those particular people? Because I feel like I can't be too much with them.

Being part of a culture where you always want to push things to the extreme is very interesting in many ways but it also makes you feel alienated from the rest of the world and being who I am... I don't want to meet the world like that. Like I'm always on the defensive. I want to have some common ground. I want to be able to actually MEET the world.

Should I just accept that I am who I am or should I change? Wouldn't change be capitulation? Selling out? Would I be changing for my own sake or would I just be smoothening my edges down just to... Would I surrender?

I feel so very alone in this. Always alone.

In the end we are all alone, I guess.

I feel so utterly different. Always.

Damn it! I was feeling good and now... I keep breaking my own heart. And I don't even know what's breaking anymore.

A friend once said: ''it doesn't get better. It gets different.''

I feel like such a phony. Like such a fraud. Like a bad copy. Everywhere. All the time.

I'd just like to truly MEET someone. To truly SEE someone (and to be seen). And by this I don't mean to say that I want to fall in love. That's not it at all. It's something else. For a few seconds I thought that I had at least glimpsed it, but I doubt it. I really do.

Never mind. It's 4 AM and I haven't had a proper nights sleep since I don't know when. Probably never. I am very very tired. Tired and old. And a bit broken. And disillusioned. I feel alone, want to be left alone but know that it will only make things worse.