Mad & Sad

I don't get people. I don't get myself. I don't get it. And they don't get me. It's a weird feeling, somehow feeling like you are close to the (moral) edge all the time. And it's strange. Everything feels so strange. I'm so strange.

The past week has been good. Spent a lot of time with people I like. Why do I like them? Because they are charming and nice. Why do I feel good with those particular people? Because I feel like I can't be too much with them.

Being part of a culture where you always want to push things to the extreme is very interesting in many ways but it also makes you feel alienated from the rest of the world and being who I am... I don't want to meet the world like that. Like I'm always on the defensive. I want to have some common ground. I want to be able to actually MEET the world.

Should I just accept that I am who I am or should I change? Wouldn't change be capitulation? Selling out? Would I be changing for my own sake or would I just be smoothening my edges down just to... Would I surrender?

I feel so very alone in this. Always alone.

In the end we are all alone, I guess.

I feel so utterly different. Always.

Damn it! I was feeling good and now... I keep breaking my own heart. And I don't even know what's breaking anymore.

A friend once said: ''it doesn't get better. It gets different.''

I feel like such a phony. Like such a fraud. Like a bad copy. Everywhere. All the time.

I'd just like to truly MEET someone. To truly SEE someone (and to be seen). And by this I don't mean to say that I want to fall in love. That's not it at all. It's something else. For a few seconds I thought that I had at least glimpsed it, but I doubt it. I really do.

Never mind. It's 4 AM and I haven't had a proper nights sleep since I don't know when. Probably never. I am very very tired. Tired and old. And a bit broken. And disillusioned. I feel alone, want to be left alone but know that it will only make things worse.