"That is not dead which forever lie..."

"...and with strange aeons even death may die."

I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could just sit and feel instead.

No, I don't want that either. There's a bit too much pain in me.

I just feel so... I don't know. Loss is a hard thing. I just don't seem to be able to let it go. And it's in the way, so much in the way. I want it out of my life, now!

I don't think people understand how large a part of me is just some sort of autopilot. How much that autopilot does not feel like me, but something that I have created to be able to meet the world. It is the part that was created when I needed to be a salesman, it is the part of me that is used to dealing with customers. Everytime I meet a new person and they for some reason thinks I am charming, it is most likely that autopilot that's turned on and that deals with it while I'm in the back seat, cowering in a corner.

It's kind of funny... Quite often the times when people seem to think I am funniest and most charming and sociable is when I'm close to panicking. When I just drop the reins.

Never mind.

I have another problem, sort of. I'm always searching for consistency. That makes me kind of black-and-white. For example: telling someone to butt out because they are disturbing and punching their face in for being even more disturbing is basically the same thing for me. If I can do the first, I should be prepared and willing to do the second if the situation warrants it. In a situation I always think about how far something can go and if I am willing to take it to the extreme. It always makes other things hard. It makes me scared. Having a row with a friend is the same thing as being willing to end the friendship. Telling someone to get a grip and behave like civilized people when they ain't is the same thing as starting a fight when someone is treating a loved one in a really disrespectful manner. It's just a question of degrees. And other people don't seem to think like that. They seem to think that people really do have some sort of morality or something. I don't have that faith in people. And that makes it kind of hard to stick up for people. No, not hard to stick up for people. That ain't the problem. Knowing when it's OK to stick up for people is the problem.

Another thing is this thing about searching for a place in the world... I mean, I despise humanity most of the time, and yet I want to be a part of it? Or do I? I don't know anymore. I feel that I'm trying to find a place among "regular" people and all I feel like saying is things like "is this your idea of entertainment? Do you think this if funny, for real?" Or the classic: "Do you really think that you are really drunk now?" I mean, I just find so many people boring, I find humanity boring and disappointing. But is that a fact or is that a defensive reaction? Do I cut them out of my life because I don't want to face their rejection?

Reading this, I realize that I sound like a fucking snob.