Must not read old letters. Not now. Not when it doesn't matter anymore.
Must not think. Must not try to remember. Must try and look forward instead.
I'm so tired of pain. I'm so tired of feeling like this, although "this" thing I feel changes a bit everytime I feel it.
I don't know if I am depressed. I think that I am mostly very very sad. Sad that I have been so stupid, so blind, so weak, so... So wrong. What hurts the most is the pain I've caused. Not to myself, but to her. I guess that is why it was so (relatively) easy to let her have what she wanted and needed even though it humiliated me. Because at least then I didn't hurt her anymore. Then I actually could make her happy, in some way.
I hate hurting people. That is also one of the reasons I have a problem with people and with relationships. If you get to know each other really well, you might easily hurt the other. I hate that. I hate beeing in that position. Feeling like I have the power to really hurt someone. Feeling like I maybe have to hurt someone.
Anyways. I've been getting some sort of pause again, but in a different way. For example: for the first time since I moved, I feel like I'm in a rush to get from work. I have a little something to look forward to. It's a really really small feeling, but it's nice to feel something moving inside me again, something that isn't just warm, slippery, rotten darkness. Something that doesn't feel like a moray eel in my soul. I'm just so fucked up that it's so hard for me to see beyond how this will fail. It makes it hard to focus. But I try.
I just hope that I won't hurt anyone.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Top Gun
I managed to pin point it the other day. When I am in a social situation I have like an auto pilot that just takes charge and does it's thing while I'm in the back seat keeping my eyes covered. The thing is that this autopilot is a bit too impulsive and it tends to have some sort of "offence is the best defence"-attitude. That's kind of a bummer. I'm quite sure that this auto pilot can be quite charming. But it is very much a learned behaviour, and it does not necesarilly stem from a will to be nice but in a will to... Not to impress. I'm not a great fan of people that thinks that I am "cool" or whatever. More of a will to... to show myself strong and independent, I guess. To make myself look like I know myself and like myself.
Not such a good pin point when you read it through.
Not such a good pin point when you read it through.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Trench Warfare
That's what it was.
I feel... I feel worried. Worried. About? Don't rightly know. It just feels like every time something that might be good falls into my lap I have to dissect it and be sceptical about it and just see where it's going to end.
Like this: I feel worried that I don't feel. Stupid, innit?
I don't understand how you are supposed to work. How people are supposed to work. How you are supposed to feel if you are not a total fucking freak and a monster.
I feel... I feel worried. Worried. About? Don't rightly know. It just feels like every time something that might be good falls into my lap I have to dissect it and be sceptical about it and just see where it's going to end.
Like this: I feel worried that I don't feel. Stupid, innit?
I don't understand how you are supposed to work. How people are supposed to work. How you are supposed to feel if you are not a total fucking freak and a monster.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sola Fide
I'm at it again. Thinking and feeling that I am too much. Too extreme, too loud, too stupid, too much of and not enough of everything.
Tonight I know exactely why I behaved the way I did last year. Tonight I just want to shut myself in myself, I want to stay indoors and never ever go out again. Never ever meet another person. No one. Ever. Just not let me be the complication that I always feel like I am. Not putting other people through the ordeal it is to be with me.
Yeah... Almost broke down on the subway ride home. Just wanted to go somewhere safe. But there is nowhere safe. There is no home. There is no place and no one that knows me. Sees me.
The thing is that I meet people, talk to people and stuff. And some of them have seen worse stuff than I have. They might have had it done to them. They might have done it to other people. But somehow, they are still people. There is something in them that is them. I'm not saying that they are unscathed by the shit in their lives. I'm saying is that they are... They have a core of... Of themselves, I guess. I don't feel like I have that. I don't feel like it genuinly exists something that is me. If it does I have buried it in something else. Some kind of defence.
It's thunder outside. And lightning. That is nice.
I'm with the cats. That is nice.
It's strange to be back here. Easier than I thought, though. But strange. Really strange. It looks like it did when I lived here. And yet it don't. I don't know what feels saddest. The fact that it looks like it always did and I'm not in it anymore or the fact that there are small small changes that shows me just how out I am. It's strange how small a mark you can leave on the world. In every way but one, I guess.
I'm just sad. That's all. Just sad. Not angry or disappointed. Just sad.
Tonight I know exactely why I behaved the way I did last year. Tonight I just want to shut myself in myself, I want to stay indoors and never ever go out again. Never ever meet another person. No one. Ever. Just not let me be the complication that I always feel like I am. Not putting other people through the ordeal it is to be with me.
Yeah... Almost broke down on the subway ride home. Just wanted to go somewhere safe. But there is nowhere safe. There is no home. There is no place and no one that knows me. Sees me.
The thing is that I meet people, talk to people and stuff. And some of them have seen worse stuff than I have. They might have had it done to them. They might have done it to other people. But somehow, they are still people. There is something in them that is them. I'm not saying that they are unscathed by the shit in their lives. I'm saying is that they are... They have a core of... Of themselves, I guess. I don't feel like I have that. I don't feel like it genuinly exists something that is me. If it does I have buried it in something else. Some kind of defence.
It's thunder outside. And lightning. That is nice.
I'm with the cats. That is nice.
It's strange to be back here. Easier than I thought, though. But strange. Really strange. It looks like it did when I lived here. And yet it don't. I don't know what feels saddest. The fact that it looks like it always did and I'm not in it anymore or the fact that there are small small changes that shows me just how out I am. It's strange how small a mark you can leave on the world. In every way but one, I guess.
I'm just sad. That's all. Just sad. Not angry or disappointed. Just sad.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Galloping through the ruins
I guess what it comes down to is that I am trying to make some kind of peace. That I am coming to terms. I have no illusions that this is the end or something like that. I am fully aware of that there will most likely be more pain in the future. But I believe that I might be passing some kind of bump now. Maybe. I hope so.
I guess E. was right. You have to find a new relationship. Maybe it's better. Maybe it's worse. Maybe it's just different. The thing is this: I have a hard time with changes. In many ways I'm very conservative. Not when it comes to values (well...) or politics, but in my life. But I am it out of fear. I fear change. I genuinly fear change. And I have done so my whole life. Other people might have though it exciting to start school when they were kids. I remember it in every way as a genuinly frightening experience. Every step of the way. Other people might think that moving is an exciting thing. I loathe it. I fear it. On the other hand, the move I am about to take fills me with some sort of joy. It absolutely terrifies me, but it also feels... For the first time it feels exciting. I am desperately trying to hold on to that feeling, and though the prospect of moving this safe haven that I am in now fills me with sadness and melancholy it actually gets easier every day to think about the fact that I will be living by myself.
What I on the other hand have noticed is that I have a hard time functioning normally when I am living alone. Like now, because S. is out of town. And when she was down at SRF i felt how my little black pit was beckoning me. Although me and S. are living very separate lives and keep very different hours I still find it easier to go to sleep when someone else is sleeping near by.
I guess I will learn that trick to. The thing is that it's quite ease for me to stay awake even when I am dead tired. I guess it is because of my previous job which sometimes required you to stay awake for 20 hours in a row. For maybe 5 days straight.
I don't know...
On a complete sidenote, one thing that I just managed to put my finger on is that I'm really fed up with having to defend, or feel like I have to defend what I am, what I listen to and what I like. I'm really fucking tired of people trying to be funny and trying to be ironic about what lies really close to my heart. Like ironic 'cursing.' "Fuck forever off" to put it in the words of H. I will probably be accused of having no distance to myself, and do you know what I have to say about that? You are absolutely right. In some ways I have absolutely no distance to some things. After years of being slightly ashamed of what I like etc. because it might look "objectively" silly I have come to the conclusion that it just doesn't fucking matter. Looking at things "objectively" can F.O.A.D.I.F. What I wish for now is that the rest of the world that doesn't get it just stays the fuck away from things it doesn't understand and just acknowledge the fact that it doesn't get it. I do that all the time. There's a shitload of things that people do and is that I think is silly and stupid etc. but I just get on with it. It has nothing to do with me. Sure, I might not appreciate it, but that doesn't mean that I have to make fun of it. What I think other people do that is silly and stupid is just their version of what I do that they think is silly and within their cultural framework/context it is probably immensely correct. So just leave it. Leave it alone if you don't get it. We don't need you, you don't need us. Let's just agree to disagree and we can get back to our particular cultural illusions. Trying to do something else, trying to have som fucking dick measuring contest is like... It's not even like comparing apples with pears, it's like comparing water with fire (and on another plane it might be like comparing boiling water with ice).
If you don't get what I am talking about, I am talking about people that thinks that metal is just something that yu can make fun of. I got news for you: "heavy metal parking lot" is taking place in one part of America in a specific period in time. It's not reality.
Blaaah. If I might seem a bit grumpy it's because I just had a go at the disgusting whisky. It tastes worse than ever.
I guess E. was right. You have to find a new relationship. Maybe it's better. Maybe it's worse. Maybe it's just different. The thing is this: I have a hard time with changes. In many ways I'm very conservative. Not when it comes to values (well...) or politics, but in my life. But I am it out of fear. I fear change. I genuinly fear change. And I have done so my whole life. Other people might have though it exciting to start school when they were kids. I remember it in every way as a genuinly frightening experience. Every step of the way. Other people might think that moving is an exciting thing. I loathe it. I fear it. On the other hand, the move I am about to take fills me with some sort of joy. It absolutely terrifies me, but it also feels... For the first time it feels exciting. I am desperately trying to hold on to that feeling, and though the prospect of moving this safe haven that I am in now fills me with sadness and melancholy it actually gets easier every day to think about the fact that I will be living by myself.
What I on the other hand have noticed is that I have a hard time functioning normally when I am living alone. Like now, because S. is out of town. And when she was down at SRF i felt how my little black pit was beckoning me. Although me and S. are living very separate lives and keep very different hours I still find it easier to go to sleep when someone else is sleeping near by.
I guess I will learn that trick to. The thing is that it's quite ease for me to stay awake even when I am dead tired. I guess it is because of my previous job which sometimes required you to stay awake for 20 hours in a row. For maybe 5 days straight.
I don't know...
On a complete sidenote, one thing that I just managed to put my finger on is that I'm really fed up with having to defend, or feel like I have to defend what I am, what I listen to and what I like. I'm really fucking tired of people trying to be funny and trying to be ironic about what lies really close to my heart. Like ironic 'cursing.' "Fuck forever off" to put it in the words of H. I will probably be accused of having no distance to myself, and do you know what I have to say about that? You are absolutely right. In some ways I have absolutely no distance to some things. After years of being slightly ashamed of what I like etc. because it might look "objectively" silly I have come to the conclusion that it just doesn't fucking matter. Looking at things "objectively" can F.O.A.D.I.F. What I wish for now is that the rest of the world that doesn't get it just stays the fuck away from things it doesn't understand and just acknowledge the fact that it doesn't get it. I do that all the time. There's a shitload of things that people do and is that I think is silly and stupid etc. but I just get on with it. It has nothing to do with me. Sure, I might not appreciate it, but that doesn't mean that I have to make fun of it. What I think other people do that is silly and stupid is just their version of what I do that they think is silly and within their cultural framework/context it is probably immensely correct. So just leave it. Leave it alone if you don't get it. We don't need you, you don't need us. Let's just agree to disagree and we can get back to our particular cultural illusions. Trying to do something else, trying to have som fucking dick measuring contest is like... It's not even like comparing apples with pears, it's like comparing water with fire (and on another plane it might be like comparing boiling water with ice).
If you don't get what I am talking about, I am talking about people that thinks that metal is just something that yu can make fun of. I got news for you: "heavy metal parking lot" is taking place in one part of America in a specific period in time. It's not reality.
Blaaah. If I might seem a bit grumpy it's because I just had a go at the disgusting whisky. It tastes worse than ever.
Momentum
I'm in some sort of pause right now. Or however you want to describe it. I'm trying not to think. I'm trying not to feel. And it actually feels like I don't have to feel anything right now. It feels like I have more or less ploughed through all the shit I can plough through. At least for this time. Going back to dissect them even further would not be constructive. I know what I need to know. Some things still piss me off, some things still make me sad. But that's just the way it is right now. They are in the back of my mind, and I have the answers and the knowledge I need to not let them take a dominating part of my life. Of my existance. Which is nice.
I know what there is to know, I think.
I know what there is to know, I think.
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