Sola Fide

I'm at it again. Thinking and feeling that I am too much. Too extreme, too loud, too stupid, too much of and not enough of everything.

Tonight I know exactely why I behaved the way I did last year. Tonight I just want to shut myself in myself, I want to stay indoors and never ever go out again. Never ever meet another person. No one. Ever. Just not let me be the complication that I always feel like I am. Not putting other people through the ordeal it is to be with me.

Yeah... Almost broke down on the subway ride home. Just wanted to go somewhere safe. But there is nowhere safe. There is no home. There is no place and no one that knows me. Sees me.

The thing is that I meet people, talk to people and stuff. And some of them have seen worse stuff than I have. They might have had it done to them. They might have done it to other people. But somehow, they are still people. There is something in them that is them. I'm not saying that they are unscathed by the shit in their lives. I'm saying is that they are... They have a core of... Of themselves, I guess. I don't feel like I have that. I don't feel like it genuinly exists something that is me. If it does I have buried it in something else. Some kind of defence.

It's thunder outside. And lightning. That is nice.
I'm with the cats. That is nice.
It's strange to be back here. Easier than I thought, though. But strange. Really strange. It looks like it did when I lived here. And yet it don't. I don't know what feels saddest. The fact that it looks like it always did and I'm not in it anymore or the fact that there are small small changes that shows me just how out I am. It's strange how small a mark you can leave on the world. In every way but one, I guess.

I'm just sad. That's all. Just sad. Not angry or disappointed. Just sad.