Note to self

Must not read old letters. Not now. Not when it doesn't matter anymore.

Must not think. Must not try to remember. Must try and look forward instead.

I'm so tired of pain. I'm so tired of feeling like this, although "this" thing I feel changes a bit everytime I feel it.

I don't know if I am depressed. I think that I am mostly very very sad. Sad that I have been so stupid, so blind, so weak, so... So wrong. What hurts the most is the pain I've caused. Not to myself, but to her. I guess that is why it was so (relatively) easy to let her have what she wanted and needed even though it humiliated me. Because at least then I didn't hurt her anymore. Then I actually could make her happy, in some way.

I hate hurting people. That is also one of the reasons I have a problem with people and with relationships. If you get to know each other really well, you might easily hurt the other. I hate that. I hate beeing in that position. Feeling like I have the power to really hurt someone. Feeling like I maybe have to hurt someone.

Anyways. I've been getting some sort of pause again, but in a different way. For example: for the first time since I moved, I feel like I'm in a rush to get from work. I have a little something to look forward to. It's a really really small feeling, but it's nice to feel something moving inside me again, something that isn't just warm, slippery, rotten darkness. Something that doesn't feel like a moray eel in my soul. I'm just so fucked up that it's so hard for me to see beyond how this will fail. It makes it hard to focus. But I try.

I just hope that I won't hurt anyone.