Completion/Deletion

It's not fair. But then again, life has never been fair. Now has it? Put 6 billion imperfect creatures in a pot and no matter how good the intentions are, there's going to be a impressive multitude of fuck ups and mistakes. So it's not fair. I'm sad and on the verge of crying a bit too often, but the only person around when that happens is basically the only one I can't talk to about it. I believe she sees how sad and troubled I am at times and that probably makes her feel bad. But I can't talk about this with her. I want to, but it will not be right. She'll only feel worse. And I don't want that.

So... It's not fair. But how do you deal with it? I guess I'll have to find out.


On the other hand, I have come to what might be a slight understanding about my own self. I'm still trying to put it into words (and that is harder than you might think), but the bottom line is that the path I have taken might not be so wrong... Or rather, that the place where I am is not a place that other people have shunned because it is the wrong place to be, but they have shunned it because they can't grasp it's existance. And it is not the populace we are talking about here, it is not the herd. It is people I have been a bit envious of and people I respect. It might sound strange and contradictory, but it makes me feel good. It makes me feel less imperfect. It makes me feel like getting here has not been only loss. I have gained something to. Something valuable. Maybe. Or maybe I just have a vivid imagination.

And then there is the usual angst. About not fitting in. And this almost compulsory way of shoving it in the worlds face. I'm tired of acts, of shields, of masks. But then again, these acts and shields and masks are a part of me. Somehow. Somewhere. I just kind of wish that there was something inside me that was undeniably me, and that I just didn't feel like I was a sum of the parts. You know what I mean? I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that the 'salesman'-side of my personality is actually also a part of me, not just a tool. Sure, a lot of the times when I am using that part I am well aware of the fact that I am just using that part of me as a tool in a social game that I don't really care about. I mean, in 90% of the cases I don't care about what people do for a living. But I have discovered that I am pretty good at acting like I do and that makes people feel like´comfortable and I want people to feel comfortable.

I don't know. Everything is such a compromise all the time. I feel like just taking a sócial time out again. It takes so much energy out of me.