"Älta sitt liv i ofrivillig askes
Bida sin tid i obetydlig parantes
Dväljas i mörker och svälja sitt hat
Jämkas till döds under massors diktat
Halta genom livet med själslig protes
Ånger och änglsan i fullbordad syntes
Leva i känsla av ömhetskastrat
Istället för kärlek ett kallt surrogat
Kärlek och hat - Sorg och celibat
Allt ska med blod beskattas
Ensam och kränkt - Devalverad och sänkt
Man syns inte ens när man fattas
Tusen människor men inte en själ
Ingen har ens tid för ett patetiskt farväl
Likväl ska man offras på gemenskapens estrad
Defilera på de sorglösas parodiska parad
För idel lögner och falska gester
Ackompanjeras så mästerligt av de svurnas orkester
Toner och takt och tungomålstal
Ett kvalfyllt crescendo vid förvisningens final
Sprängda metastaser och inflammerade sår
Ensam idag och osynlig igår
Groteska hallucinationer och en värkande rygg
Stigmatiserad till döds för att få känna sig trygg
Deformerade synapser och punkterat skinn
Påtvingad tystnad som fräter sig in
Blödande magsår en öppen åder
Bland Guds gelikar får man leva på nåder"
"Man Syns Inte Ens När Man Fattas" by Siebensünden
You might say that I don't talk about my problems. There's just a couple of things about that.
1) Once you have said something you are supposed to do something about it, ain't you? I just don't know what it is I am supposed to do. Or how. Or what it is going to change. I have more of a problem with the rest of the world than I have with myself. I guess that's what this blog is all about. I keep rehashing the same old shit all the time in more or less the same way.
2) I talk. I talk in the way I can. I just don't know if I am understood. Maybe I use metaphors and symbols people don't understand or don't have the energy to take in. I can just assure you that I (and this sounds really fucked up, I know. Like this is a game of Cluedo or something) leave clues here and there. Because I don't know how to do it otherwise. Or because I don't dare to do it any other way. I'm sorry for that, but this is my language. It's the way I view the world. Through symbols, quotes, lyrics etc. Tough luck.
I have something else I might deal with here in the future, but right now it needs to be processed a bit more in my head.
I still wish I could just drop it, you know. Just let it fall, like a weight from my shoulders. Just let those have stones be. But I don't know how. It's just stuck on me and in me and it drags me back and down. I feel like I'm looking back at a burned bridge, and on the other side of that bridge I see burned fields and woods. And then I look ahead again. And I see a wasteland. Not a good place to be, but less worse than those burned woods. I just don't see an end to it. Neither of them. Not right now.
Nah, fuck it. I'm going to get drunk soon.
Just wish I didn't feel so alone so often.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
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