I have a problem with guilt. Guilt and shame. On several occasions I know that I have done something wrong but I am too ashamed to apologize. Some times I think this shame has been mistaken (both by myself and others) for anger and maybe arrogance. 
So...
And shame is not a hard emotion for me to conjure up.
Anyhow. Something came up this weekend that made me react in a certain way and that reaction reminded me of another time I had that reaction (and how it feels almost impossible to act in another way). I remember this spring, when I was going to some kind of light weight therapy. That was nice and all, but when the counselor said that there would be no more therapy, no real thereapy, I just closed up. It just sort of blocked it up. Forever, for that person. And without going into details, I had a similar reaction. I hope I can get over it, but I am starting to remember reactions like that in my past, and there has been a lot of them. And it pisses me of. And I don't really want to be angry. Not now, not ever. It's useless.
I don't know what I am getting at anymore. Not when it comes to anything. I just constantly feel at odds with just about everything. It feels like the more I see, feel, learn and hear, the more I see, feel, learn and hear that everything is false and empty. This is an absurd, meaningless existance in an absurd and meaningless universe. Nothing makes any difference, not really. Sure, we make up differences to feel like there is a reason, like this existance isn't totally futile, but it is just make belief. I wish I could find something to burn for, something to strive for, some reason to improve myself. But it is futile. Improve myself? For what? It makes no difference in the end. Fight for something? It is all dust tomorrow. Love? Hate? Futilities.
What I want is one perfect moment, and make it last forever.
I wish I wasn't so controlled. I wish I could kill someone. Someone unimportant. Someone that just pushed me a little bit over the edge. Or at least beat someone up. Just let it out, for once. Let it out and win. Maybe it could be something besides rage and loneliness and isolation after that.
This rather crass and harsh way of looking at the world expresses itself in mysterious ways sometimes. My new 'obsession' (although it is a somewhat lightweight obessions) is Danish Design. I am intrigued by some of their watches. So I have decided that I have to get me one one of these days.
You try to find a point and meaning in the smallest of things, don't you?
So...
And shame is not a hard emotion for me to conjure up.
Anyhow. Something came up this weekend that made me react in a certain way and that reaction reminded me of another time I had that reaction (and how it feels almost impossible to act in another way). I remember this spring, when I was going to some kind of light weight therapy. That was nice and all, but when the counselor said that there would be no more therapy, no real thereapy, I just closed up. It just sort of blocked it up. Forever, for that person. And without going into details, I had a similar reaction. I hope I can get over it, but I am starting to remember reactions like that in my past, and there has been a lot of them. And it pisses me of. And I don't really want to be angry. Not now, not ever. It's useless.
I don't know what I am getting at anymore. Not when it comes to anything. I just constantly feel at odds with just about everything. It feels like the more I see, feel, learn and hear, the more I see, feel, learn and hear that everything is false and empty. This is an absurd, meaningless existance in an absurd and meaningless universe. Nothing makes any difference, not really. Sure, we make up differences to feel like there is a reason, like this existance isn't totally futile, but it is just make belief. I wish I could find something to burn for, something to strive for, some reason to improve myself. But it is futile. Improve myself? For what? It makes no difference in the end. Fight for something? It is all dust tomorrow. Love? Hate? Futilities.
What I want is one perfect moment, and make it last forever.
I wish I wasn't so controlled. I wish I could kill someone. Someone unimportant. Someone that just pushed me a little bit over the edge. Or at least beat someone up. Just let it out, for once. Let it out and win. Maybe it could be something besides rage and loneliness and isolation after that.
This rather crass and harsh way of looking at the world expresses itself in mysterious ways sometimes. My new 'obsession' (although it is a somewhat lightweight obessions) is Danish Design. I am intrigued by some of their watches. So I have decided that I have to get me one one of these days.
You try to find a point and meaning in the smallest of things, don't you?
Sometimes I think I am a chameleon. Maybe not a really good chameleon, but still. A chameleon. And sometimes I loathe myself for it. And at other times I admire myself for it. Watching myself and the world with a little wry sardonic smile.
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