"I can't let you do that, Dave"

I just want to feel like I have won. Just once. That I really have won, you know? But I don't see that happening any time soon. There's not really anything in my life that feels real, important and worthwhile. Just one thing and that thing scares me. Not the thing in itself but that I will disappoint. History and recent analyzes shows that it has been known to happen. And although I won't claim that I know myselt that well, I know that the glass is half empty.

People talks about not having secrets and that you should share your dark sides and that it doesn't matter, that it won't change their feelings and so forth. I'm not claiming that I am a monster or anything, and maybe I'm too unexperienced, too small, too dead inside, but I don't believe it to be true. Things like that change you. They change the people around you. It changes the relationships, it changes the balance. Maybe that's why it's easier for me to communicate such things with strangers than with loved ones. There is no balance there. There is no relationship that can be damaged, that can be betrayed.

I met a guy the other day that described himself as "a genuinely good person." He was a bit drunk, had had a hectic couple of hours and despite the fact that he was older than me, there was something a bit innocent and naive about him so I let that remark pass. Otherwise I hate people like that. I hate people saying that, thinking that about themselves. It's way too pompous, it's too 'high and mighty' and it unfairly and unhonourably gives you absolution of your past. You are no stronger than your weakest link, your filthiest sin and that's OK. Just be a little humble about it. Yeah, it's really nice that you are a member of Amnesty/Greenpeace/whatever and that you would probably not intentionally hurt another living thing, but you are on the top of the food chain, baby. Your mere existance causes suffering. Your consience is not lily white. It is at it's best light grey, like the ash of cremated corpses. And that's OK. But it is not white.