Perpetuum Mobile

I have a terrible fear of rejection. It's a big part of my life, that fear. It is quite possible one of the reasons (if it isn't THE reason) why I haven't tried to do anything with my life. Being rejected. The worst feeling there is. Not good enough. And at the times when I am not rejected I feel like the kid that gets picked out last to the football team. I still can't believe that anyone would choose me for me. Choose me because they want to be with me, because I can add something unique. I can't believe it. Not emotionally. That's why I rarely call my friends or loved ones. I know I am in the way. That's why It is hard for me to get new friends. Why would they wan't me? And if I like them, why would I bother them with me?

I'm sitting in the ashes of myself just waiting. Waiting to get the strenght to stand up and walk away. Waiting for a wind to come and blow the dust and ash away, to destroy even the illusions. In one way I impatiently wait for the wind. In another I dread it so much.

Fuck. Why do I always have to do it like this? Why do I wait for things to happen? Why don't I ever make them happen myself? It is so cowardly.

I have no rudder or compass and the sky is dark so I can't see the stars. I can't navigate. I don't know where I am and I don't know where I'm going. In one way it gives me a sense of freedom but as I have written before, freedom is not always a good thing. It gives me the freedom to take my ship in the wrong direction. To fall of the edge of the world. To fail. I don't mind the hardship. I don't mind the struggle. Or, I wouldn't mind the struggle if I thought it would be worth it. No, noth worth it. If I thought there was a point to overcome shit. If I thought it would make a difference. If you picture it like this: I have crossed a desert and now I'm facing a jungle. I have to fight my way through that jungle, I have to chop my way through it. On the other end of that jungle lies another desert. And on the other end of that desert lies another jungle. And so on and so forth. Is there a oasis in one of these deserts and will I find it? Is there something beyond all these deserts and jungles? I can't feel that there is. But do I have a choice besides moving on?


And the parade keeps marching on. At times it disgusts me. At times it scares me. At times it overwhelmes me. But the funny thing is that right now it almost amuses me.