Retribution

I wonder if I'm just too sensitive, socially? I mean, if i pick up on things too easy? You know, something that is supposed to be a small hint becomes a gigantic hint and something that is nothing becomes something. I wonder if I think that the rest of the world is like me and shut up until I (think I) know what is coming out and if I therefore am scared of people who isn't like that?

Why couldn't I have started this journey years ago? I have wasted myself, among other things.

I'm so afraid of failing now. I wish I could see things beyond the mistakes. I wish these pangs of betrayal would go away. I do not want them there. They do not make it easy to sleep at night (I spent last night crying of both sorrow and anger).

Am I feeling all the things I have never let myself feel all at once?

I remember the night when I realized that she was probably in over her head in this. I had never doubted her before. Not like tha. Not about such things. Stupid of my, maybe. If I hadn't had such much faith in her and her... I don't know what to call it. Keen emotions? Selfknowledge? If I hadn't had that faith, maybe I would have tried harder. But she knows herself (or so I believed). I don't know myself. I don't know who I am or what makes me tick or what there really is under and inside me.

For me, there are things you do, things you feel and things you think. And these three are separate, and need to be. Or I don't really know what I will do. I mean it. If I act on my emotiones, jailtime might be needed. Not right now, but in the past.

I don't know what I want to say with this. Maybe just that I have had lifelong training in not showing what I feel about anything to anyone, least of all myself. I don't know.

I feel so far away. I don't like it. I fear it. It is like some kind of nightmare.

Cigarettes, then bed.

And GOD! I want that jacket! Despite it's flaws (like the fact that it is so weird that it will probably only look ridiculous in 1 year, and the fact that I could hardly button it) it was perfect. You see, I like my clothes tight. And this was tight. I think I should try it with a shirt on instead of a T-shirt, to see what it does to the cuffs...