Watches & Guns

The watch I bought reminds me of something. Of a certain act, a certain feeling. But first things first. I have the watch in my pocket. I don't use it, but I have it with me. I am however quite scared that someone will see it. Because it is silly. First of all, no one wears a watch anymore. Second, it is a pocket watch. It is not really something that you carry around with you if you want people to take you seriously.

It reminds me of when I was a kid and played with toy guns and stuff for a longer (much longer) time than my 'peers'. I sometimes would carry a toy gun in my pocket, or a toy knife or something else. Probably because it made it possible for me to imagine that I was someone else. And I was always terrified that I would be found out, because if you are over a certain age you don't play with toys. There was no way that the other kids would see me as I imagined myself. They would laugh and everything would be even worse. It feels like that with the watch. But I don't know who or what I am imagining myself to be. But I am starting to get the feeling that that imagining, that act of make believe didn't stop there and start again here. I get the feeling that it is something I have always done. Dressing up, making myself someone else, something else. It definitely feels like that is part of what I am doing now. I think that is why I am so afraid of someone seeing through me, seeing when I don't know the rules, seeing when I mess up. Because then I once again will be the kid with the toy gun (or, in fact, the kid with the My Little Pony in his desk). The mask will inevetably fall. You know what I am saying?

To think that I have been so shaped by those years. I believe that most of it happened during 3 years. It scares me, because what have the other 22 years of history in store for me?

The idea that other people could possibly understand me is still something I find hard to believe in.

I remember when I drew a heart in lipstick on her bathroom mirror. I remember her frown when she saw that. I also remember that she let it stay for a long time, but mostly I remember her frown.

I hate this society based on consumption. I don't hate it because it fills our lives with things instead of meaning or any of that hippie bullshit. I hate it because I am not a part of it. I am not a part of that or anything else. Always slightly on the outside, never fully in the know. Never part of those that makes the rules or get away with breaking them. Never part of any society or any scene, always the one to be picked last for the team when it's time to play football. And if I where to be picked earlier it would be (in my mind) an act of misguided altruism and therefore quite humiliating. And still...

How do you do to be yourself? Can you be yourself? Isn't everyone, in one way or the other, just a reflection of the rest of the world?

I don't know if I want to go out and get really drunk or if I just want to go home to my couch (which shall soon be upgraded to a bed) and read and think. I don't really want to think anymore. But I don't want to get hung over either.