Black Winter Day

Now, this song is about Vinnie Paz and his life. I love it. Have loved it since the album came out. Always made me cry (not something that hip hop is good at). And the lines below really jumped in to my head. The song in itself have very little to do with me, but the sentiment in it feels very close to me. And always has (yes, I know it was released a year ago).

The "video" is total shit. But hey. It's there at least.

"And the truth is that I'd rather be alone now
I'd rather not have to deal with the day"

"I don't wanna be a burden to y'all
I just wanna know exactly what my purpose is for
I feel like nothin' I do is ever right
And that I'm actin' a fool another night"


Other news: I fucked up at work yesterday + forgot my mobile at work and that fucked things up even more. Plus the phonelessness lead to me being a bit on the tardy side for work today. NOT appreciated. I seem to fuck up once every month. Fuck.

These videos rocks my cradle at the moment. Mainly because of the facial hair (I gotta get me some manly facial hair one of these days.) and the asses. Really funny asses. What was he thinking? The middle one is mainly for nostalgia. A song I have loved for 10 years and never gotten tired of. Kind of sad in one way.

Godess

It is very strange that the new Kylie album reminds me of 'Mechanical Animals'era Marilyn Manson. But it is a pretty good album, actually. She's done better, but hey... Who hasn't.

My money should come in on monday. I wish they could have come so much earlier.

I'm desperately trying not to use this blog. But it is hard.

"This Is Not Your Country.

It never was.
It never will be."

-Grey Wolves


I can't concentrate. On anything. I got massive amounts of studying to do, but I can't. I can't listen to music. I can't watch TV. I just walk around. Nothing happens. But it never stops. Can't stay in one place for more than a couple of minutes, bot physically and mentally.

My mind is all fogged up. I feel like my head is filled with milky, warm tea with lots of honey in it. Thick, sticky, sweaty, warm, non transparent liquid.

I had a bit of a chat today. Felt nice. Not because it changed anything, really. But it is nice to know people cares. Even though I don't deserve it. Especially not with this person.

I feel hopeful at times. And then I remember. And sometimes I can pretend it all is like it should be. And it feels so nice. So bittersweet. And then it becomes worse.

Everyting is goodbye.

AGAINST

I spent a lot of time outside today. It was raining. Quite cold. Made me feel alive. Stockholms is so grey and dreary now. People shuffling about. Noone smiling. Homeless people trying to keep dry and warm. People smelling like wet dogs, dripping. In the way.

Ain't nothing out there for me. Never was. Never is. Thought ther might be, once. Belong. Nice to have illusions. Against the world (once) Like a pack of wolves. Proud. Fierce. Independant. No (.) sheep. Against. Against against against.

Weak. Too weak. Everything. Weak. Everywhere.

Point? What?

In the dark. Everyone? Everywhere.


I wish for pain. All day I have wished for pain.
Physical manifestation. Punishment? Sacrifice. Sacrifice.

Blind. Interesting. Always been, but you don't see it until you see. And I am talking generally here. Why can't I see when I have to?

Cowardice. Fear. Guilt. I should be slapped.

Everything is goodbye.

Not a part. Of this or of everything. Noone opens.


And on a stranger note, sex has become very important. Not the act, but the thought. Not so strange really. But none of your business.

I feel a great sadness

because I might be alone soon. It makes me very sad. Everything else comes second. And I am not really good at cheering myself up when I am alone. Fortunately I think I managed to bury the monster that showed up some nights ago (ie jealousy), so it is not that that bothers me. That is just like a little itch. It annoys me a bit at times, but it is something I will live with.

I am just sad. Because I don't know how this will end.

And I can't concentrate at all right now.


God, I am pathetic. I am actually listening to Sheryl Crow right now.

3-2-1-boom

Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of autodestruct mechanism in my head. Or maybe stupidity is Gods way of keeping me (somewhat) honest, if you catch my drift.


On another note: I am both very glad and ashamed of being a man. I am glad because it makes life easy. Easier than being a woman. My worries are of another sort. I might get beat up, but I won't be raped. Sure, I am always prepared to stand my ground if it comes to that and that is in many ways a stupid macho reflex. A lot of my time is spent on thoughts of respect. Of respect among men. It's stupid, because I don't really care for that sort of men. But somehow I need it. It is class related in some ways, I thi8nk.

And I am ahsamed because it is so easy. It is so easy for me to get away with shit if I want to. Serious shit. Because I am male. And I just become ashamed over a world where I am not even expected to take any responibility for my 'natural' (or natural. Read my post about Hobbes to see what I mean) urges and drives.

And I am ashamed of myself, because I use that way out at times. I really really try not to go for that cheap cop out, but sometimes I do. And some of the behavious lies really deep, you know?
And I am ashamed of the fact that I sometimes feel proud for being such a 'nice guy', you know ('nice' is not using the easy way out and stuff like that)? Totally self righteous.

And to top this shit I sometimes catch myself feeling like a good guy for having the common decency to feel bad when I feel proud of being a nice guy. You wanna join my mindfuck? ;)