3-2-1-boom

Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of autodestruct mechanism in my head. Or maybe stupidity is Gods way of keeping me (somewhat) honest, if you catch my drift.


On another note: I am both very glad and ashamed of being a man. I am glad because it makes life easy. Easier than being a woman. My worries are of another sort. I might get beat up, but I won't be raped. Sure, I am always prepared to stand my ground if it comes to that and that is in many ways a stupid macho reflex. A lot of my time is spent on thoughts of respect. Of respect among men. It's stupid, because I don't really care for that sort of men. But somehow I need it. It is class related in some ways, I thi8nk.

And I am ahsamed because it is so easy. It is so easy for me to get away with shit if I want to. Serious shit. Because I am male. And I just become ashamed over a world where I am not even expected to take any responibility for my 'natural' (or natural. Read my post about Hobbes to see what I mean) urges and drives.

And I am ashamed of myself, because I use that way out at times. I really really try not to go for that cheap cop out, but sometimes I do. And some of the behavious lies really deep, you know?
And I am ashamed of the fact that I sometimes feel proud for being such a 'nice guy', you know ('nice' is not using the easy way out and stuff like that)? Totally self righteous.

And to top this shit I sometimes catch myself feeling like a good guy for having the common decency to feel bad when I feel proud of being a nice guy. You wanna join my mindfuck? ;)