Procreation of the Wicked

I feel like such a rotten human being sometimes. Not evil or cruel. Just rotten. Small. Weak. Shallow. Just seeking some kind of validation.

It makes me sad, knowing that that is also me. Because somewhere along the line I hurt people I love.

When will I stop mourning myself?

Stench of Decay

Smells are a strange thing. I recently had a night filled with feelings of loss, of abandonment, of loneliness and of a lack of stability. I had a hard time understanding why these feelings surfaced then and there and why it felt so familiar and out of place, why it felt so different from all the other times. It didn't feel like memories, it felt like I was there. And then I realized that it was the smell from the ointment I had recently used for my shoulders that brought it all back (I used that ointment a lot about a year ago because my back and shoulders were fucked for different reasons.).

Strange that.

I met an old pal at the subway on my way to work. Don't really know him that well and he sort of vanished a couple of years back, but I like him. We get along well but it never got any further. Probably because we both are quite anti social. But we might see more of each other in the near future. We'll see. I'm thinking that we both are quite bad at taking a social initiative, so we'll see. Would be nice, though.

I have also been thinking about mental scars. You are in a certain way, behave in a certain way, your thoughts work in certain ways. How much of that is YOU and how much is just... scars? And how nice wouldn't it be if you could actually see what caused those scars? But I don't. Sometimes I think I do, but I don't know. Am I seeing the truth or what I just want to be the truth? I can't allow myself to act on feelings if the base of those feelings are dead wrong, now can I? So how do I know?

Sometimes I almost miss feeling like shit because at least then I did something. Sure, it might just have been walking or sitting in a café drinking coffee and writing or cooking or doing the dishes or whatever. These days I do nothing.

"Here's to you, kid"

I don't think there is any music that so directly, in itself, changes my emotional state than Antony & the Johnsons. Other songs or artists are usually connected to a certain event, but even the Antony-songs isn't, that just got released are really... Heavy. It feels like they are something that I've been listening to for years, with a bottle of cheap scotch and a razor as my only company. Not that it is a bad thing for a song to accomplish. It's just a bit unusual.

Talking about solitary drinking... Some people romanticize drugs, I romanticize alcohol. A bunch of years back when things were fucked up I sometimes went to a specific pub, sat at the bar and drank cheap whiskey. Humphrey Bogart, you know? About a year ago I spent a night at a cemetary drinking 2 bottles of wine (white wine, mind you). Not as much Bogart this time, but still... I'd like to be able to say that my mind and heart matched the surroundings (cold, dead and still) but looking back on it I see that that was when a fire was ignited. Still, the surroundings were fitting.

I have however never used alcohol as a blankie. Not in that direct sense. I do use tobacco (and in a way hunger) that way. And maybe I used music. And maybe something else now.

Someone once said that genius is only genius if it works. If it fails, history will prove it to be madness. Sort of like that.

'Tis the season to be jolly

Christmas makes me sad. I had written a longer post about it, but technology wasn't working in my favour. In short, christmas makes me remember my childhood and what I remember most from my childhood is disappointment, stress and humiliation.

Yeah.

I'm sick and I'm at work. I sort of like pushing myself like this but it doesnt do much for my mental health. I feel sad and alone. Keep rehashing old shit. Nothing new there, though. Spend at least 3 nights a week doing that, not being able to sleep.

I wonder when it was different.

Christmas makes me feel even more alone.

People are just so complicated. Building up their images of stuff, of other people and... It just takes of from there. And you realize how blind they are. How blind you have been. How blind you still must be.

I don't like to have my idols destroyed.

Quo Vadis?

One wonders... One just wants the days to pass and yet there is not enough time in the day to get shit done.

Travelling home from work always give me a slight sense of sorrow. It's not that I am sorry that I can't work any more, it's not that I miss my job. It's something else. A pause or break at an end. Back to something that less and less feels like a home and more and more like... A dung heap. Storage space. Just a place, among countless other places. Maybe I'm scared of actually letting it become my home, seeing how those things ends. Maybe, maybe not. Some day I might investigate that further but not here and not now.

I have, once again, been thinking about people (as always) and my own feelings (as always). A large source of pain for me the past year has been that I have felt cast out. A large part of what was once my life suddenly wasn't and it didn't feel good. But there you have it. Now, a large source of irritation has been people on the fringes (no, some of them has been more. Or rather, I thought that they were.) that just... Complicates things. Somehow they manage to do stuff that just comes back to bite me in the ass. It's kind of strange to deal with since I'm quite out of the loop. But it feels a bit like the die has been cast and all I can do is to wait and see how they land. I don't know when or how they will land but I ain't counting on a ''Yatzy!''-moment.

But it is as it is. I don't really know what else is to be done right now.

"I can't let you do that, Dave"

I just want to feel like I have won. Just once. That I really have won, you know? But I don't see that happening any time soon. There's not really anything in my life that feels real, important and worthwhile. Just one thing and that thing scares me. Not the thing in itself but that I will disappoint. History and recent analyzes shows that it has been known to happen. And although I won't claim that I know myselt that well, I know that the glass is half empty.

People talks about not having secrets and that you should share your dark sides and that it doesn't matter, that it won't change their feelings and so forth. I'm not claiming that I am a monster or anything, and maybe I'm too unexperienced, too small, too dead inside, but I don't believe it to be true. Things like that change you. They change the people around you. It changes the relationships, it changes the balance. Maybe that's why it's easier for me to communicate such things with strangers than with loved ones. There is no balance there. There is no relationship that can be damaged, that can be betrayed.

I met a guy the other day that described himself as "a genuinely good person." He was a bit drunk, had had a hectic couple of hours and despite the fact that he was older than me, there was something a bit innocent and naive about him so I let that remark pass. Otherwise I hate people like that. I hate people saying that, thinking that about themselves. It's way too pompous, it's too 'high and mighty' and it unfairly and unhonourably gives you absolution of your past. You are no stronger than your weakest link, your filthiest sin and that's OK. Just be a little humble about it. Yeah, it's really nice that you are a member of Amnesty/Greenpeace/whatever and that you would probably not intentionally hurt another living thing, but you are on the top of the food chain, baby. Your mere existance causes suffering. Your consience is not lily white. It is at it's best light grey, like the ash of cremated corpses. And that's OK. But it is not white.