Obscured

"Somewhere inside.
It's still obscured.
Darkness reflects.
Stronger than fear.
I seize control to inhale this final day.
I shut my mind but I'm falling anyway.
No.
And I think that I'm all alone.
I can feel the rain pull me down again.
No.
And I know that I have no home.
I can feel the pain take a hold again.
Tied to the ground.
In mounting shade.
My soul is bound.
And so it fades.
And I know that I won't escape.
My remaining faith is draped.
Like my hurt and my fleeting grace.
In this numbing empty space."

This song has haunted me today. I listened to it maybe 10 times in a row. It is from the previously mentioned 'Monotheist' album. The first time it came on in my iPod it immediately became the soundtrack to my travels back home and I was falling deeper and deeper. And then something happened and then it stopped. And then I came home and it was worse than ever. And now it feels ok, I guess.

I feel like I have behaved like such a traitor and like such an emotional couch potato. If there is one thing I should have learned during these past years it is that I must never relax. There is always something that can be done. And I obviously haven't done it. Fuck.

FUCK!

Nihil Verum Nisi Mors

I wrote this little review on my livejournal, but I thought it was good enough to tbe published here as well.

"Isn't it strange how sometimes records just fit? I'm thinking about Celtic Frost and their comeback 'Monotheist'. I find it absolutely amazing that while it hardly sounds as Celtic Frost at all, it is unmistakeably a Frost album. It is enthralling in it's complexity and it's simplicity. Barbaric riffs, semi classical pieces, female vocals and they manage to pull it off! It just sounds so dark, powerful and in so many ways, deep. It sounds like Death. Although I think that metal does not need to be smart and in many cases is much better of if you stay away from intellectualism, it feels very good that such a smart and intellectual record is released. Something so full with meaning and knowledge and pain and philosophical focus. There is a point to this record. And still the delivery feels very intuitive and obscure.

Actually, the most boring part on the whole album is the first two tracks. Two tracks that has classical Frost riffing and the o so lovely 'Uh!'s. A shame, but I guess it says a bit about how magnificent I think this album is. I would easily put it up there with 'To Mega Therion.'

And the lyrics really speaks volumes to me these days. Although I can draw no straight paralleles to my life, it really feels like they are about me or is some kind of instruction or description. I belive Tom G. Warrior went through a similar (but probably even more devastating) situation during or just before the creation of 'Monotheist', and that probably explains a lot. But the man is obviously bipolar, so I don't know what that says about me. If I remember correctly Martin Eric Ain lost his mother previous to the making of the album and the "Death is certain, Life is not"-theme is an obvious result of that."

Fugitive

Right now I just want to run. Run far away. Just run. To somewhere where I can't see or hear or feel. I'm so scared right now because I have absolutely no idea of what's going to happen. It feels like this is where it starts. Or ends. And if it ends, I don't know how it will end. So I just want to run so I never have to find out. But I have nowhere to run.

Hurt

I kind of feel like I can identify with Kermit. ;)


I don't think I have had one real feeling during the day. The night took a heavy toll. I have been completely drained and empty. I could have been shot and not cared. It feels good. Or, it felt good. Because I get some pangs now and then and it makes the promise I made yesterday hard to keep. Sure, the promise was made in a state of some mental disarray. But I still think the main point of it might be a good approach. Shut down. Detach. Let trouble come to me, not the other way around.

I don't know. As I have said before, I feel like I am mostly just emotional reactions. Rationality's gone out the window. I feel like I don't know if my actions are right or wrong until they come back and slap me in the face. It bugs me. I feel like I in some sense became a man al those years ago when I fucked everything up the first time. And i became one by learning right from wrong and trying to do right. That took a lot of discipline (and in some sense emotional mutilation). I feel like all that is gone. Like I am the same emotionally underdeveloped person I was then.

The thing is that this discipline, an trying to everything objevtive and doing it right... I feel like I can't escape. By denying these emotions their outlet, it feels like they still effect me in other ways. Killing things inside me. Effecting my behaviour, but in other ways. Insidious...

I don't want to be objective right now. I want to hate and kill. But I don't. I have a little whirlwind that's trying (and sometimes succeding) to break out. But I keep it away. And in some ways that makes me so sad, denying myself that. And not embracing it makes me fear it's effect even more. But I can't let it out. It would kill everything. humans are not good by nature. So by being good, we have to deny a large part of our nature. Of ourselves. Heh... It is interesting that I managed to connect this to my post about Hobbes, don't you think?





And for some reason the whole 'Monotheist' album by Celtic Frost seems to speak to me.




On a happier note, I got a D on my last test. I means I passed. It also means I was really close to failing. But at least I passed.

Edge

I just read some old diary notes. Came to the conclusion that I have been a bit fucked in the head for quite some time. Paranoid. Lack of confidence. Angry.

This life just dissapoints, you know? I can't wait to get some sort of safety. Just knowing that if shit fucks up it will be alright.

Fuck.

Woven Hand

This day has been strange. Felt awful, ate som breakfast/lunch, took a walk in woods with the family. It will be gone soon. That felt strange too. Now I feel pretty ok. Our jehovas-relatives are here. Feels nice that I actually manage to wear better looking suits and ties than them, and they have to wear them every weekend. You'd think that they would pick up a bit or two. At least enough not to look like a total freak on a wedding (ie wearing red. Or wearing black shirt and white tie. Or wearing white.). On the other hand, if there's some thought brought into dressing like that at a wedding, I'm all for it. I just doubt that they think in that way and that it has more to do with ignorance.

I like dressing nice now. Wearing expensive deoderant. Shaving often. Thinking about stuff like that. It makes me feel good about myself, you know?

God, I am bored and stressed out at the same time. I have an attention span of maybe 10 minutes.

And the computer makes those funny noises electronical devices do when a mobile phone is being active near by. So I am thinking "someone is calling to save me from this boredom." But nooo. Nothing. Just noises. Boooored.

Just took a walk up to the church and back. Felt nice. Cold, dark and a lot of moisture in the air. It didn't rain, it was just very cold and humid. Cleared my head a bit. And fogged up my glasses.

"He delights not in the strength of horses
He takes no pleasure in the cleverness of men"

So. I am at the old folks place. The same feelings as usual starts to creep on me. I'm happy to be here but I feel terribly lonely. Not as bad as last time. I guess it feels better this time because I don't really have anything to go home to, right now.

Got basically nothing this christmas (apart from the stuff mentioned in an earlier post). And that is totally fine. I didn't want anything. I got nothing. Cool. It actually feels good to just get it over with. I got a pair of sweatpants and some skull band aids and a hippie book. Sweet.

I'm so tired. And stressed out. And bored.

Yeah...

I got nothing to write. Nothing new. Everything is the same. Nothing changes.

Nox Exterior

It's been a pretty good day, I guess. Work was busy but it was perfectly OK. My back wasn't acting up. No foul moods. Got a really nice and warm black-and-grey sweater with a little unicorn on it. Really nice. Got my pay (not much, but it will work out). Got a phone call that said that my computer is fixed and as far as I understood it I don't have to pay shit. I will actually get money back. + I should be getting some money that people own me in the coming months. And that means a new mobile phone. My only problem is how I will have time to fix the last things before leaving on christmas eve. Got to get an iPod charger tomorrow. Got to do a ton of dishes. Got to buy some chocolate for my work mates (=kissing ass). Got to get totally, incredibly drunk with old work mates 2 nights in a row. Got to study.

One thing I have come to realize is the fact that I smoke incredibly much and eat next to nothing. Not good.

Love my new grey pants, though. And my new suspenders.

Life, innit?

The Oath

Life's a little better today. A bit. No panic. Well, a little bit. But nothing I can't control. I'm just worried. Not for myself, though. No, I am a bit worried about myself. Recently I have sort been just a jumble of emotional reactions. I don't know if my reactions and actions are emotional responses or rational actions. I always figured that there was some kind of rationality behind most things I did, but this last month my behavious has been a bit too erratic... I'm sorry for that.

Another problem is the fact that I am so tired of getting buttfucked by people trying to sell me shit. A new phone for 1200:- is a pretty good prize, even though I have to tie myself up to one provider for 2 years (pretty good provider, though). So far so good. It is a good phone. What is not good is that if I don't want to pay the whole phone immediately I have to pay between 600:- and 800:- more for the phone. Pisses me of. Sure, I can afford to pay the whole phone right away, but I don't know what shit will show up in the future. I got a computer that I might have to pay to get repaired. I don't know how much work I'll get come next year. I don't know if I got any unpaid taxes.

And still... 1200:- isn't that much money. I blew like twice that on clothes last week. And I need a new phone, because the one I have... Well, lets just say that if you get a text message from me and there are no P's (or too many) in it it's not because I can't spell (although I have some problems in english. I sometimes get 'too' & 'to', 'were' & 'where' confused), it is because my phone is falling to pieces.

Now I am going to watch Sex & The City and eat chocolate.

Chicken chicken chicken

chicken chicken chicken.

I know I probably should ask a lot of questions, but I'm so afraid of getting to know shit I don't want to know. But I have to ask. If nothing else because of my pride. Not that my pride is worth anything in the grand scheme of things. But it might be worth something after all this. If there is 'anything' after this.

chicken chicken chicken.

It's interesting

how you can go from above to below in such a relative short amount of time.

I wonder if I remember things I've imagined or if I remember hallucinations. Or if I was dreaming.

I don't know what's happening. If I did, maybe I could be a better sport about some of the other shit. But that shit still hurts, even though it shouldn't. Or maybe it should. I don't know. That is the problem.

Well, at least I know what the view is like from this side of the coin. But not really, no.

I had something brilliant I wanted to write here, but I forgot it. Too bad, I guess. I'm just a little bit annoyed, because I think it was important.

Merry Christmas!

Just came back from my folks. Dad turned 52. I'm feeling empty. And detached, somehow. It makes me sad. I don't feel I can relate to my family, or that they can relate to me. What I am basically saying is that it feels like we don't necessarily matter to each other any more. That all we have is history, sort of. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it.

And now everything feels like it is at a distance. Just beyond reach. Exactely everything.

Im sorry. I'm so so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I behave and feel like I do right now. And I'm sorry for that. And for me. And what I am.

"How do you spell relief?"

"I get D-R-U-N-K."

You got to love David Allen Coe. Sure, he's a redneck, racist, white trash country singer, but still... Country this full och clichés must be at least admired.

"I don't need no doctor
Tell me what is wrong
I can fill my own perscriptions
And it lasts me all night long
It's the perfect medication
For an ailment such as mine
I forget about the tears I've cried
When the whiskey hits my mind"


The problem is, I don't drink when I'm depressed. I drink when I am happy or bored. Battling depressions with alcohol has never really worked for me. Partly because I become a Sad Pathetic Drunk and partly because being hung over makes me depressed. But I kind of wish that I could be a cool comwboy type just sitting in some joint downing one whiskey after another and then get into a good natured fight or something. But I am a horrible drunk and an even worse fighter. Come to think of it I am very surprised that I don't get beaten up more often, considering how annoying I can be. I obviously hang out at the right places with the right kind of folk. But still... I didn't get beaten up in Belgium and there I defenitely didn't hang with the right crowd and I was REALLY annoying there (and really drunk).

Well well, back to D.A.C. Here's what probably is my favourite.

IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY

IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, IT'LL HAIRLIP THE POPE
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, IT'S A DAMN GOOD JOKE
I'VE SEEN THE GRAND OL' OPRY AND I'VE SEEN JOHNNY CASH
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS

THE OLD MAN WAS COVERED WITH TATTOOS AND SCARS
HE GOT SOME IN PRISON AND OTHERS IN BARS
THE REST HE GOT WORKIN' ON OLD JUNK CARS - IN THE DAY TIME

THEY LOOKED LIKE TOMBSTONES IN OUR YARD
AND I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM WHEN HE WASN'T TARD - AND MEAN

HE SOLD USED CARS TO MAKE ENDS MEET
COVERED WITH GREASE FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS FEET
CUSSIN' THE SWEAT AND THE TEXAS HEAT - AND MOSQUITERS

AND THE NEIGHBORS SAID WE LIVED LIKE HICKS
BUT THEY BRUNG THEIR CARS FOR PA TO FIX - ANYHOW

HE WAS VETERAN PROUD, TRIED AND TRUE
HE'D FOUGHT 'TIL HIS HEART WAS BLACK AND BLUE
DIDN'T KNOW HOW HE'D MADE IT THROUGH - THE HARD TIMES

HE'D BOUGHT OUR HOUSE ON THE GI BILL
BUT IT WASN'T WORTH ALL HE'D HAD TO KILL - TO GET IT

HE DRANK PEARL IN A CAN AND JACK DANIELS BLACK
CHEWED TOBACCO FROM A MAILPOUCH SACK
HAD AN OLD DOG THAT WAS TRAINED TO ATTACK - SOMETIMES

HE GOT DRUNK AND MEAN AS A RATTLESNAKE
AND THERE WASN'T TOO MUCH THAT HE WOULD TAKE - FROM A STRANGER

THERE WAS 13 KIDS AND A BUNCH OF DOGS
A HOUSE FULL OF CHICKENS AND A YARD FULL OF HOGS
AND I SPENT THE SUMMERTIME CUTTIN' UP WOOD FOR THE WINTER
TRYIN' LIKE THE DEVIL TO FIND THE LORD
WORKIN' LIKE A DEMON FOR MY ROOM AND BOARD
A COAL BURNIN' STOVE, NO NATURAL GAS
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS

MAMA SELLS EGGS AT THE GROCERY STORE
MY OLDEST SISTER IS A FIRST RATE WHORE
DAD SAYS SHE CAN'T COME HOME ANYMORE - AND HE MEANS IT

MA JUST SITS AND KEEPS HER SILENCE
SISTER SHE LEFT 'CAUSE DAD GOT VIOLENT - AND HE KNOWS IT

MAMA SHE'S OLD FAR BEYOND HER TIME
FROM CHOPPIN' TOBACCO AND I'VE SEEN HER CRYIN'
WHEN BLOOD STARTED FLOWIN' FROM HER CALLOUSED HAND - AND IT HURT ME

SHE'D JUST KEEP WORKIN' TRYIN' TO HELP THE OLD MAN
TO THE END OF ONE ROW AND BACK AGAIN - LIKE ALWAYS

SHE'S BEEN THROUGH HELL SINCE JUNIOR WENT TO JAIL
WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT SHE AIN'T NEVER FAILED
TO GET DOWN ON HER KNEES AND PRAY - BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM

TOLD ALL THE NEIGHBORS HE WAS OFF IN THE WAR
FIGHTIN' FOR FREEDOM - HE'S GOOD TO THE CORE - AND SHE'S PROUD

NOW OUR PLACE WAS A GRAVE YARD FOR AUTOMOBILES
AT THE END OF THE PORCH WAS FOUR STACKS OF WHEELS
AND TIRES FOR SALE FOR A DOLLAR OR TWO - CASH

THERE WAS 50 HOLES IN THE OL' TIN ROOF
ME AND MY FAMILY WAS LIVIN' PROOF
OF PEOPLE WHO FORGOT ABOUT POOR WHITE TRASH
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS

I'M THINKIN' TONIGHT OF MY BLUE EYES
CONCERNING THE GREAT SPECKLED BIRD
I DIDN'T KNOW GOD MADE HONKY- TONK ANGELS
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS


There.

Got a new, just about perfect black leather jacket with white shoulders. Brilliance.

Other news? Spent the night at S's place, and that was nice. Nice to clear your head a bit and just talk about nothing special and spending time with friends. I feel I maybe wasn't really good company, but you can't get everything. The night, however, was spent thinking and trying to sleep on a sofa that was too short. Thinking isn't good.

Fuck it. Got to work. Everything is chaos here.

Grenouille

Just finished watching 'Perfume.' Absolutely insanely good. And beautiful. So beautiful. Even the discusting opening scene was amazingly beautiful. And Grenouille... I think I fell a bit in love with him (please keep in mind that you are dealing with a man who in strange ways admire Carl Panzram). Marvelous. I almost cried during the orgie scene. Especially when the old couple kissed. A bit of lesbo action there, but I only saw one hint of male-on-male. A bit boring. Could have been more dirty male snail munchers going at each other, but I guess you have to please the hypocritical audience a bit.

Strongly recommended. I don't know if I can watch it again, but I have to buy it nevertheless. I need to have it in the collection.

AAAARGH!!!!

Go AWAY! I DO NOT want to discuss Nightwish with you! I don't care if their singers sound different! They both suck! Having long hair does NOT mean that I like every fucking pussy ass band with electric guitars in existance! Especially not if they are from Finland. Beherit and Impaled Nazarene, OK. I'll talk about them all you want, but I do NOT want to talk about that sönderknullade jävla symfonimetalbandet! DRA ÅT HELVETE! And I will most definitely not talk about Within Temptation. Having long hair does not mean that we are friends! I am wearing a Bathory-shirt and a big ass baphomet tattoo all over my arm! Do you sincerely think that I care about fucking fantasy barbie metal? Id does not mean "lets be friends and hug", it means FUCK OFF!!! I mean seriosly. You are over 30. Somewhere along the line one would think that you had developed something called taste.

Whoooo...

God I hate people. If you are going to be an inbred idiot, you don't have to share. I swear, the revolution is not far away.

Otherwise I'm still bouncing between heaven and hell. When I am not alone everything feels fine, but as soon as I am alone I dissapear into myself and I just get scared. I don't know of what. Yeah, I do. But I don't reckon the decisive details of that drama will take place during the 6 hours I am at work. Otherwise... I feel that my issues are pretty much resolved. At least right now. I don't feel bad thinking about them. That feels pretty OK. So I don't know...

I guess there was no way of avoiding any of this (well, there are at least one thing I could have avoided), so I guess I/we will just have to push through. Or something.

Better out than in, I suppose.

I'm going to meet S & J tomorrow. It will be nice. Brilliant women folk. I'm thinking maybe I should spend the night. Don't know if I will feel good doing that. Maybe it will be good for me/us, but I don't know how I feel... Scared, I guess.

I Have Always Been Here Before

Who am I kidding. I have always known him. I just wasn't expecting him here. And now. I thought I'h managed to keep him out of this part of my life, by love and trust. But apparently now. One broke and made a little hole in the damm. And He pushed through and made the hole big, black and ugly. Filled woth rotting, oily black bile pouring out. Rotting, oily black bile that I only half knew existed. Have you seen the cover to "Altars Of Madness"?
I imagine it to look something like this.

You do notice that I am reading too much fantasy and lovecraft, don't you?


Am I making any sense? At all? Every time I try and talk I just end up with an enormous lump of sadness, regrett and hate in my throat and I just can't. In those moments I am absolutely convinced that I cant continue, partly because it is physically impossible and partly because if I do continue nothing good will come out.

I don't know about the hate, though... Maybe it is a lack of hate and anger. Maybe I'm just wishing for there to be hate. Maybe I'm fooling myself. I don't hate. I'm not that angry. Maybe I feel that I should be angry and hatefull. Maybe that is a part of the problem. Some kind of anticipated reaction that I am not having, and not having it makes me worried? Makes me wondering if it is there but hiding? I am trying so hard to always see things from some kind of objective view. Maybe I am not seeing myself? Or maybe there is nothing of myself to see? Maybe I see things right, but society have taught me to see things differently? I don't know.

Being alone screws me up. Too much time on my hands makes the problems grow in my mind. Maybe they should grow. Maybe I don't see them for what they are when I am not alone? But do I see them correctly when I am? I don't know. Right now I only know one thing, and that is how I don't want this to end, but how do I/we get there? I don't know. Right now I don't know anything.

Screw this. Time for coffe and books.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVTN5o9Kgu8

I've been thinking about something. About sex. But first of all I just want to say that these days I don't really trust my thoughts. Too many 'solutions' and stuff might very well be what in swedish is called 'efterkonstruktioner' (if I knew what it was called in english I would have written it, OK?). Something that just fits in very well and feels very true, but might not be.

Anyway, sex. I believe it to be very much about closeness for me. Or that many acts that could be interpreted as purely sexual isn't that sexual. It's about being close. And I believe that to be more or less historically true, too.

I know, it sounds like I'm pretending to be a nice guy. A problem would be (both for me and the, aha, recipient) to know when they are purely sexual and when they are hardly sexual at all.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just... I don't know. I have probably forgot a lot of evidence that point to some kind of opposite.



I was told that someone close to me doesn't know if she knows me (anymore). That I showed her sides she didn't know I had. To an extent she is probably right. I believe there are parts of me that noone knows, hardly even me. I didn't know the part of me I showed her. I know him now, at least a bit. He's trying to befriend me. I call him Nojjan. I don't wan't him in my life. I hardly knew he existed. He's a destroyer. No, sorry. I am. After all, he is me. And I am constantly a little bit paranoid these days (or every other day too, for that matter. Being uncertain about the world, my place in it and peoples relationship to me is nothing new.). I tell him that he really doesn't have a reason to show up, that his existence is not justified. But he doesnt listen. So I just have to make sure he doesn't do any damage, until I can wear him down. Easier said than done, I guess.


And I am more or less paralyzed by fear. I see an option or two, but all I really can see is how taking those options will make everything fall apart. Are we that weak or is it just me?


BTW: I didn't know that Delsin played the gaytar in Billy Idols band back in the day:

A FURORE NORMANORUM LIBERA NOS, DOMINE

Something feels unfinished tonight. And I don't know if it is important or what.

So... Do I forgive too easily? I don't know. Maybe. I can forgive easy. But too easy? Or "too" is the wrong word. I just feel like... Like I could hold a grudge if I chose to do it. But I don't. Because I don't feel that much anger. But should I?

I don't know... Or am I too trusting? Or don't I have any feelings regarding myself? I'm a total fucking mess.

Got new gear today. Blew a gigantic hole in my wallet, but I guess it might be worth it. I think I should find some new shoes to. With any luck I will have a great looking leather jacket within the end of the week.

And the christian kitsch is reaching new heights. Wonderful.

Blind

I feel so fucking nervous right now. It's like ants under my skin. Itches itches itches. And crippling fear. I am constantly on the verge of throwing up. Or breaking down.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do it either.

It was nice meeting up with Suzie Q yesterday. Got a bit too drunk maybe. But I got alot of my chest. And I think she did to. I have always doubted if I really have real friends, but I am starting to suspect that I actually really do have them.

Black Winter Day

Now, this song is about Vinnie Paz and his life. I love it. Have loved it since the album came out. Always made me cry (not something that hip hop is good at). And the lines below really jumped in to my head. The song in itself have very little to do with me, but the sentiment in it feels very close to me. And always has (yes, I know it was released a year ago).

The "video" is total shit. But hey. It's there at least.

"And the truth is that I'd rather be alone now
I'd rather not have to deal with the day"

"I don't wanna be a burden to y'all
I just wanna know exactly what my purpose is for
I feel like nothin' I do is ever right
And that I'm actin' a fool another night"


Other news: I fucked up at work yesterday + forgot my mobile at work and that fucked things up even more. Plus the phonelessness lead to me being a bit on the tardy side for work today. NOT appreciated. I seem to fuck up once every month. Fuck.

These videos rocks my cradle at the moment. Mainly because of the facial hair (I gotta get me some manly facial hair one of these days.) and the asses. Really funny asses. What was he thinking? The middle one is mainly for nostalgia. A song I have loved for 10 years and never gotten tired of. Kind of sad in one way.

Godess

It is very strange that the new Kylie album reminds me of 'Mechanical Animals'era Marilyn Manson. But it is a pretty good album, actually. She's done better, but hey... Who hasn't.

My money should come in on monday. I wish they could have come so much earlier.

I'm desperately trying not to use this blog. But it is hard.

"This Is Not Your Country.

It never was.
It never will be."

-Grey Wolves


I can't concentrate. On anything. I got massive amounts of studying to do, but I can't. I can't listen to music. I can't watch TV. I just walk around. Nothing happens. But it never stops. Can't stay in one place for more than a couple of minutes, bot physically and mentally.

My mind is all fogged up. I feel like my head is filled with milky, warm tea with lots of honey in it. Thick, sticky, sweaty, warm, non transparent liquid.

I had a bit of a chat today. Felt nice. Not because it changed anything, really. But it is nice to know people cares. Even though I don't deserve it. Especially not with this person.

I feel hopeful at times. And then I remember. And sometimes I can pretend it all is like it should be. And it feels so nice. So bittersweet. And then it becomes worse.

Everyting is goodbye.

AGAINST

I spent a lot of time outside today. It was raining. Quite cold. Made me feel alive. Stockholms is so grey and dreary now. People shuffling about. Noone smiling. Homeless people trying to keep dry and warm. People smelling like wet dogs, dripping. In the way.

Ain't nothing out there for me. Never was. Never is. Thought ther might be, once. Belong. Nice to have illusions. Against the world (once) Like a pack of wolves. Proud. Fierce. Independant. No (.) sheep. Against. Against against against.

Weak. Too weak. Everything. Weak. Everywhere.

Point? What?

In the dark. Everyone? Everywhere.


I wish for pain. All day I have wished for pain.
Physical manifestation. Punishment? Sacrifice. Sacrifice.

Blind. Interesting. Always been, but you don't see it until you see. And I am talking generally here. Why can't I see when I have to?

Cowardice. Fear. Guilt. I should be slapped.

Everything is goodbye.

Not a part. Of this or of everything. Noone opens.


And on a stranger note, sex has become very important. Not the act, but the thought. Not so strange really. But none of your business.

I feel a great sadness

because I might be alone soon. It makes me very sad. Everything else comes second. And I am not really good at cheering myself up when I am alone. Fortunately I think I managed to bury the monster that showed up some nights ago (ie jealousy), so it is not that that bothers me. That is just like a little itch. It annoys me a bit at times, but it is something I will live with.

I am just sad. Because I don't know how this will end.

And I can't concentrate at all right now.


God, I am pathetic. I am actually listening to Sheryl Crow right now.

3-2-1-boom

Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of autodestruct mechanism in my head. Or maybe stupidity is Gods way of keeping me (somewhat) honest, if you catch my drift.


On another note: I am both very glad and ashamed of being a man. I am glad because it makes life easy. Easier than being a woman. My worries are of another sort. I might get beat up, but I won't be raped. Sure, I am always prepared to stand my ground if it comes to that and that is in many ways a stupid macho reflex. A lot of my time is spent on thoughts of respect. Of respect among men. It's stupid, because I don't really care for that sort of men. But somehow I need it. It is class related in some ways, I thi8nk.

And I am ahsamed because it is so easy. It is so easy for me to get away with shit if I want to. Serious shit. Because I am male. And I just become ashamed over a world where I am not even expected to take any responibility for my 'natural' (or natural. Read my post about Hobbes to see what I mean) urges and drives.

And I am ashamed of myself, because I use that way out at times. I really really try not to go for that cheap cop out, but sometimes I do. And some of the behavious lies really deep, you know?
And I am ashamed of the fact that I sometimes feel proud for being such a 'nice guy', you know ('nice' is not using the easy way out and stuff like that)? Totally self righteous.

And to top this shit I sometimes catch myself feeling like a good guy for having the common decency to feel bad when I feel proud of being a nice guy. You wanna join my mindfuck? ;)