'Tis the season to be jolly

Christmas makes me sad. I had written a longer post about it, but technology wasn't working in my favour. In short, christmas makes me remember my childhood and what I remember most from my childhood is disappointment, stress and humiliation.

Yeah.

I'm sick and I'm at work. I sort of like pushing myself like this but it doesnt do much for my mental health. I feel sad and alone. Keep rehashing old shit. Nothing new there, though. Spend at least 3 nights a week doing that, not being able to sleep.

I wonder when it was different.

Christmas makes me feel even more alone.

People are just so complicated. Building up their images of stuff, of other people and... It just takes of from there. And you realize how blind they are. How blind you have been. How blind you still must be.

I don't like to have my idols destroyed.

Quo Vadis?

One wonders... One just wants the days to pass and yet there is not enough time in the day to get shit done.

Travelling home from work always give me a slight sense of sorrow. It's not that I am sorry that I can't work any more, it's not that I miss my job. It's something else. A pause or break at an end. Back to something that less and less feels like a home and more and more like... A dung heap. Storage space. Just a place, among countless other places. Maybe I'm scared of actually letting it become my home, seeing how those things ends. Maybe, maybe not. Some day I might investigate that further but not here and not now.

I have, once again, been thinking about people (as always) and my own feelings (as always). A large source of pain for me the past year has been that I have felt cast out. A large part of what was once my life suddenly wasn't and it didn't feel good. But there you have it. Now, a large source of irritation has been people on the fringes (no, some of them has been more. Or rather, I thought that they were.) that just... Complicates things. Somehow they manage to do stuff that just comes back to bite me in the ass. It's kind of strange to deal with since I'm quite out of the loop. But it feels a bit like the die has been cast and all I can do is to wait and see how they land. I don't know when or how they will land but I ain't counting on a ''Yatzy!''-moment.

But it is as it is. I don't really know what else is to be done right now.

"I can't let you do that, Dave"

I just want to feel like I have won. Just once. That I really have won, you know? But I don't see that happening any time soon. There's not really anything in my life that feels real, important and worthwhile. Just one thing and that thing scares me. Not the thing in itself but that I will disappoint. History and recent analyzes shows that it has been known to happen. And although I won't claim that I know myselt that well, I know that the glass is half empty.

People talks about not having secrets and that you should share your dark sides and that it doesn't matter, that it won't change their feelings and so forth. I'm not claiming that I am a monster or anything, and maybe I'm too unexperienced, too small, too dead inside, but I don't believe it to be true. Things like that change you. They change the people around you. It changes the relationships, it changes the balance. Maybe that's why it's easier for me to communicate such things with strangers than with loved ones. There is no balance there. There is no relationship that can be damaged, that can be betrayed.

I met a guy the other day that described himself as "a genuinely good person." He was a bit drunk, had had a hectic couple of hours and despite the fact that he was older than me, there was something a bit innocent and naive about him so I let that remark pass. Otherwise I hate people like that. I hate people saying that, thinking that about themselves. It's way too pompous, it's too 'high and mighty' and it unfairly and unhonourably gives you absolution of your past. You are no stronger than your weakest link, your filthiest sin and that's OK. Just be a little humble about it. Yeah, it's really nice that you are a member of Amnesty/Greenpeace/whatever and that you would probably not intentionally hurt another living thing, but you are on the top of the food chain, baby. Your mere existance causes suffering. Your consience is not lily white. It is at it's best light grey, like the ash of cremated corpses. And that's OK. But it is not white.

Idiota Hyperactiva

I've always thought of myself as even-tempered. Maybe I am, but that doesn't make me a good or fair person. I have recently noticed how my mood differs from hour to hour. I mostly spend the days at home with feeling antisocial and sorry for myself, the afternoons with a sense of panic in my guts and the evenings somewhat at ease. It's got something to do with how every day is full of promises, and me being convinced that it isn't for me.

I have also been contemplating 'right', 'responsibility' and pragmatism. Sometimes maybe it isn't someones responsibility to do something but in order to make something happen you have to do it. But now I don't know if that's me. Or if it ever was. Or I'm 'right'.

It's so difficult to put it in words. I know that I haven't acted right in every situation, but that doesn't meen that I have been wrong. Or that the situation is my fault. And now a decision I tried to make (no, I did make it) over 6 months ago has once again been made over my head. Makes me wanna act an outright cunt and disrespect it but that ain't even a possibility for so many reasons.

Nah, fuck it. Let it be.

Monkey see, monkey do.

What people say and what people do is too often really different things. They say they'll be there and then they can't even be arsed to call you back. So you don't really know where you have them.

My problem is that I don't understand people, I don't remember my own history and that I'm chicken.

That old wounds can hurt so much. I talked to H the other day, about him and S. He said that he wished that this whole year that has passed wouldn't have happened and it chocked me a bit, thinking that the nice things in their relationship and the things he has learned was greater than the pain. But it wasn't. And some days I agree with him.

The fun thing is that this 'new' thing I'm in has been so smooth and painless that for just that reason I didn't think it was real. It was just so smooth and... It just worked from the beginning and at times I almost thinks it's boring just because of it. Damaged goods? Me? Aren't we all?

Nom De Guerre

Why do I care what other people think about me? Or do I? Am I worried about something else? Like 'them' catching on to me.

I feel like I really have to take some sort of break. Especially from the alcohol. There's still a lot of identity questions left to answer. It will probably be the next step in the Project. If I feel like sharing.

Rag Doll

Some mistakes you keep on doing. Until you made them for the last time. Hopefully.

I should have known. I should have known. Serves me right, I guess. In some demented way I'm almost laughing inside because in some twisted way it feels like a fitting anniversary.

Hopefully I have learned to stop doing things for others. To stop trying. I mean, I have already killed of a pretty large portion of the empathy that I once had. I guess there's a bit more to eradicate.

Or should I do it in some other way? Like giving people specified contracts instead of trusting them to be able to use their own judgement? I don't know, I guess the judgement was used, but things I wanted taken into calculation wasn't and things I wasn't aware of was. Or something. I should just have kept my mouth shut, but what kind of friend would I be then?

I guess I might be accused of being unfair. And maybe I am. But I guess that I am just tired of taking some kind of responsibility, of caring for people when they don't seem to be able to do it for me and then trying to see things "objectively" and from the "moral higher ground" and all that shit. So fuck honour. I guess it really has no place left in the world or my life. And I should know. I got this because I obviously betrayed a trust. A trust I should have been able to figure out if this urge to help (or whatever you want to call it) wasn't there. I'm just pissed of and disappointed at the fact that I put myself ind a difficult position and that wasn't taken into consideration. But somehow I am not surprised.

So... There you have it.

When It's Dark Enough You Can See The Stars

I was listening to Robyn today. I really like her latest album. But today it made me, quite unexpected, a bit sad. And after a while I figured out why. The songs that make me sad, they aren't MY songs. And it ain't just Robyn. There are a few musicians/albums/songs that I only (if ever) listen to when I am an emotional masochist, songs and albums that have little or nothing to do with my feelings but more to do with me thinking that the song reflects someone elses emotions.

Sometimes I don't know what is me and what is me mimicing something else. Me watching the world and trying to learn how to behave instead of behaving like ME. Whatever field of my life look at I see someone or something else than myself. Me trying to adapt instead of adapting it to me. Sometimes I wish I just had the courage or the simple minded ignorance to NOT feel compelled to learning rules and codes. To just DO and not having to fear (or not realizing that there is something to fear) to come of as a simpleton.

It's strange how you can't let go of things.

There is no honour left in the world. Only feeding of the ego and the self. No honour, no real glory. Maybe it's a good thing, people acting like themselves (but thereby showing how small and impotent their souls are) instead of creating rules for themselves that they just get upset when they try to follow. God knows I am not innocent.

Winter Time Blues

...and if people like me so much with all my faults and shit, what does that say about people in general?

I don't know... I just feel like a fake. Like a cheat, a liar. Like I don't deserve the good things and people I got.

Can't focus.

Requiem

Winter is here. At least for a while. I like the snow. It makes the cold warmer in some strange way. And it makes both the child and the black metal fan in me glad. Nice.

People seems to like me. I have even heard the meaning ''I don't think I know anyone else that is so appreciated by his friends'' uttered. Now, this is of course nice to hear, but a question surfaces: Why? What makes me so likeable? In my mind it just makes me think that I am a good liar that doesn't know when I'm lying. At least on the bad days.

Dreams of Futility

I want this:
Its beautiful, isn't it? An iPod holder called "Arlanda" that looks like a mix between a cigarette case and a credit card holder. I want it. It costs 75 GBP. And I need to buy a new iPod to be able to use it. I'll have to buy one with 160 G memory/storage space, and that's pretty funny because that is more than my computer has.

The Center Cannot Hold

The chicken or the egg? How much have I become because of chosen interests and how much are those interests a result of me? The real me?

The Guilty Have No Pride

I have a problem with guilt. Guilt and shame. On several occasions I know that I have done something wrong but I am too ashamed to apologize. Some times I think this shame has been mistaken (both by myself and others) for anger and maybe arrogance.
So...

And shame is not a hard emotion for me to conjure up.

Anyhow. Something came up this weekend that made me react in a certain way and that reaction reminded me of another time I had that reaction (and how it feels almost impossible to act in another way). I remember this spring, when I was going to some kind of light weight therapy. That was nice and all, but when the counselor said that there would be no more therapy, no real thereapy, I just closed up. It just sort of blocked it up. Forever, for that person. And without going into details, I had a similar reaction. I hope I can get over it, but I am starting to remember reactions like that in my past, and there has been a lot of them. And it pisses me of. And I don't really want to be angry. Not now, not ever. It's useless.

I don't know what I am getting at anymore. Not when it comes to anything. I just constantly feel at odds with just about everything. It feels like the more I see, feel, learn and hear, the more I see, feel, learn and hear that everything is false and empty. This is an absurd, meaningless existance in an absurd and meaningless universe. Nothing makes any difference, not really. Sure, we make up differences to feel like there is a reason, like this existance isn't totally futile, but it is just make belief. I wish I could find something to burn for, something to strive for, some reason to improve myself. But it is futile. Improve myself? For what? It makes no difference in the end. Fight for something? It is all dust tomorrow. Love? Hate? Futilities.
What I want is one perfect moment, and make it last forever.

I wish I wasn't so controlled. I wish I could kill someone. Someone unimportant. Someone that just pushed me a little bit over the edge. Or at least beat someone up. Just let it out, for once. Let it out and win. Maybe it could be something besides rage and loneliness and isolation after that.

This rather crass and harsh way of looking at the world expresses itself in mysterious ways sometimes. My new 'obsession' (although it is a somewhat lightweight obessions) is Danish Design. I am intrigued by some of their watches. So I have decided that I have to get me one one of these days.

You try to find a point and meaning in the smallest of things, don't you?

Sometimes I think I am a chameleon. Maybe not a really good chameleon, but still. A chameleon. And sometimes I loathe myself for it. And at other times I admire myself for it. Watching myself and the world with a little wry sardonic smile.

Abandon All Hope

I feel depleted. It feels like I have given up. On everything. And I feel like I have such an enormous debt to pay.

I feel highly unsafe. Always. All the time. All I want to do is to feel safe. For just a little while. Have no worries at all. Just feel that it's going to work out.

And this debt thing... I just want to say that I am sorry. For what? I don't know. And it pisses me off. It feels like I'm using people. I feel so incredibly selfish.

I wish I could feel some balance when it comes to my emotions... I wish I knew how to deal with them, but they always comes out in various forms of antisocial behaviour. And this... Writing. It's so hard now. It is taking a heavy toll on my mind and on my soul.

I just feel like I have nothing more to give. Like butter stretched over too much bread, as someone once put it in a film.

Very little feels worth it.

Gawd...

The post under this is inches away from being the most worthless thing I have ever written.

Anyhooo. I am going to be without phone and internet for a while. Probably. We'll see. If you want to reach me, you have to do it via facebook (I can check it at work). Or come knocking on my door

Dies Irae

I look at people, and I think. I think about them. I look at the way they present themselves to the world and I wonder. I wonder if the choose to look bland or if they just don't understand any better. If they are scared or if they are stupid, limited and shallow? Or if they just don't care?

Sometimes I think that I might see something about myself. That whatever I have put myself through, or have been put through, it has in many ways hardened me. In a good way. Strengthened me. It is something that many people does not have any experience of.
My problem is just this: I don't know where the limits are. And what I am afraid of is scaring people of. Or rather, I am afraid of scaring people. I mean, OK if they don't like me. OK if we have nothing in common. OK. But what if I in some way scares someone? I don't like that. I have never thought of myself as scary or intimidating or someone that would make someone else ill at ease. And piece by piece I learn that that might not be the way the rest of the world view me. That there actually might be people that find me intimidating. Silly people, maybe. But still. It just shows how much of an abyss there can be between people.

I don't know... I just don't know people. You know what I mean? I'm not surpsised if you don't. I hardly do myself. I just know that when I look at people, when I really look at them when I am out and about, what really strikes me is how scared som many of them seem. And the second thing that strikes me is that I don't even think that most of them know what they are afraid of.

But I can't really explain how I know this. But I know that sometimes I get a glimpse of someones eyes or their expression or just the way they carry themselves or their clothes that either say that they don't have a clue about what the rest of the world really is about or that they don't really give a fuck. Some sort of beauty down there in them. Some sort of "them".
And then there are the people that know and use it. I don't know what to think when it comes to them.

Mysterion

No matter what you do and how you try, the bastards find a way to grind you down. The idea of travel (metaphorically speaking) seems unknown to some. Then again, it's the same kind of people that seems to think that winning and someone else losing is the same thing. And it is of course easier to make someone seem to lose than to actually win yourself. So I shouldn't really bother.

Ordered the new A&theJ EP today. And the new Ofermod and Arckanum albums. Haven't bought a new album in ages. I hope they'll rekindle my musical flame.

An Extraordinary Gentleman

If you got 80 minutes to spare, watch this documentary about Alan Moore.



You know you like him. Just give him time.

Hate

This is why I hate the world. Because to me, most people are like this.

I see it every day, all the time, in one way or the other. And I can't stand it.

"Do you see me..."

"...now?"













Americans should be shot

Norwegians should be shot twice.

Love is a flame...

...a devils thing.


I keep writing the same thing over and over again, don't I? Utterly utterly boring. That's the thing with 'talking'. Once you have said it, then what? That's the problem. Where do you go from there? You are supposed to DO something, ain't you? But I don't know what or how.

I just want peace in my mind. Peace from myself. Peace from the world. I wish I was stupid and ignorant. If I was that, maybe I didn't have to see the things I see. Maybe I could convince myself that there was some sort of point. That life just isn't a period of time to get through. No, that ain't it. Maybe I could enjoy it at least.

People... People are difficult. People say that I am welcome, but it is so hard to feel it.

Trust. Hard to gain, hard to earn, easy to lose. Both mine and others. I rarely give people details that can hurt or compromise me. I guess it also means that people don't give me details.

I don't know. I am utterly bored with the world today. And I don't know what is true or false anymore. But it is OK. I am pretty ok. I think I actually can love again. Thought I had lost it. Or maybe I am just fooling myself right now. I don't care.

Oder was?

I'm something of a mess right now. Maybe. Maybe not. Things are just spinning around and I can't grab them.

Bleargh.

I feel parts of myself retreating. Retreating back to how I used to be (correction; how I am). Maybe. And at the same time I don't. The more things change the more they stay the same.

I'm feeling quite sardonic. All I really want to do is sitting in a bar, in a corner, sipping dry martinis and look at the world in contempt.

Sort of. Maybe. That's the thing, you know. Nothing is very lucid, if it has ever been that.

I feel a bit dead. And everything I do is just a way of fighting of that feeling. No, not the feeling. The realization. To give myself some illusion, if only for a few moments. And it's kind of hard when you feel like you have absolutely NO interests. No real interests. Just things to keep the realization at bay. Just something to kill time, until time will kill me.

Nothing burns in me. If ever it has.

Got to go to sleep now.

C U.

Completion/Deletion

It's not fair. But then again, life has never been fair. Now has it? Put 6 billion imperfect creatures in a pot and no matter how good the intentions are, there's going to be a impressive multitude of fuck ups and mistakes. So it's not fair. I'm sad and on the verge of crying a bit too often, but the only person around when that happens is basically the only one I can't talk to about it. I believe she sees how sad and troubled I am at times and that probably makes her feel bad. But I can't talk about this with her. I want to, but it will not be right. She'll only feel worse. And I don't want that.

So... It's not fair. But how do you deal with it? I guess I'll have to find out.


On the other hand, I have come to what might be a slight understanding about my own self. I'm still trying to put it into words (and that is harder than you might think), but the bottom line is that the path I have taken might not be so wrong... Or rather, that the place where I am is not a place that other people have shunned because it is the wrong place to be, but they have shunned it because they can't grasp it's existance. And it is not the populace we are talking about here, it is not the herd. It is people I have been a bit envious of and people I respect. It might sound strange and contradictory, but it makes me feel good. It makes me feel less imperfect. It makes me feel like getting here has not been only loss. I have gained something to. Something valuable. Maybe. Or maybe I just have a vivid imagination.

And then there is the usual angst. About not fitting in. And this almost compulsory way of shoving it in the worlds face. I'm tired of acts, of shields, of masks. But then again, these acts and shields and masks are a part of me. Somehow. Somewhere. I just kind of wish that there was something inside me that was undeniably me, and that I just didn't feel like I was a sum of the parts. You know what I mean? I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that the 'salesman'-side of my personality is actually also a part of me, not just a tool. Sure, a lot of the times when I am using that part I am well aware of the fact that I am just using that part of me as a tool in a social game that I don't really care about. I mean, in 90% of the cases I don't care about what people do for a living. But I have discovered that I am pretty good at acting like I do and that makes people feel like´comfortable and I want people to feel comfortable.

I don't know. Everything is such a compromise all the time. I feel like just taking a sócial time out again. It takes so much energy out of me.

Man Syns Inte Ens När Man Fattas

"Älta sitt liv i ofrivillig askes
Bida sin tid i obetydlig parantes
Dväljas i mörker och svälja sitt hat
Jämkas till döds under massors diktat
Halta genom livet med själslig protes
Ånger och änglsan i fullbordad syntes
Leva i känsla av ömhetskastrat
Istället för kärlek ett kallt surrogat

Kärlek och hat - Sorg och celibat
Allt ska med blod beskattas
Ensam och kränkt - Devalverad och sänkt
Man syns inte ens när man fattas

Tusen människor men inte en själ
Ingen har ens tid för ett patetiskt farväl
Likväl ska man offras på gemenskapens estrad
Defilera på de sorglösas parodiska parad
För idel lögner och falska gester
Ackompanjeras så mästerligt av de svurnas orkester
Toner och takt och tungomålstal
Ett kvalfyllt crescendo vid förvisningens final

Sprängda metastaser och inflammerade sår
Ensam idag och osynlig igår
Groteska hallucinationer och en värkande rygg
Stigmatiserad till döds för att få känna sig trygg
Deformerade synapser och punkterat skinn
Påtvingad tystnad som fräter sig in
Blödande magsår en öppen åder
Bland Guds gelikar får man leva på nåder"

"Man Syns Inte Ens När Man Fattas" by Siebensünden


You might say that I don't talk about my problems. There's just a couple of things about that.
1) Once you have said something you are supposed to do something about it, ain't you? I just don't know what it is I am supposed to do. Or how. Or what it is going to change. I have more of a problem with the rest of the world than I have with myself. I guess that's what this blog is all about. I keep rehashing the same old shit all the time in more or less the same way.

2) I talk. I talk in the way I can. I just don't know if I am understood. Maybe I use metaphors and symbols people don't understand or don't have the energy to take in. I can just assure you that I (and this sounds really fucked up, I know. Like this is a game of Cluedo or something) leave clues here and there. Because I don't know how to do it otherwise. Or because I don't dare to do it any other way. I'm sorry for that, but this is my language. It's the way I view the world. Through symbols, quotes, lyrics etc. Tough luck.

I have something else I might deal with here in the future, but right now it needs to be processed a bit more in my head.

I still wish I could just drop it, you know. Just let it fall, like a weight from my shoulders. Just let those have stones be. But I don't know how. It's just stuck on me and in me and it drags me back and down. I feel like I'm looking back at a burned bridge, and on the other side of that bridge I see burned fields and woods. And then I look ahead again. And I see a wasteland. Not a good place to be, but less worse than those burned woods. I just don't see an end to it. Neither of them. Not right now.

Nah, fuck it. I'm going to get drunk soon.

Just wish I didn't feel so alone so often.

Love is a flame...

Been listening to ''Incantation Against'' by Celtic Frost. Not that many people have heard it since it's only available on the vinyl version of 'Monotheist'. It's basically a sumerian or babylonian curse/prayer translated (in part) to english with music added. It is beautiful and, for me, very true. If I thought it would help, if I thought it would work, I would recite it this night. In the end I might regret it, but unfortunately I am not at the end. I fear I am not even close.

Obsessions, possesions and the lack thereof.

What is a life? How do you fight the fact that the only real truth that exist is the fact that there is no point to anything. No REAL point. A de facto result of that is that if you belong to a minority, your thruths are wrong. You do of course know that you are right but it doesn't matter because winners write history. The winners decide what is true. Vae Victis, as it was once said. Woe to the vanquished.

I hate this world and I hate it's rules and I hate the fact that we are just one step away from being apes with sharpened sticks. I would actually prefer if we still were nothing but clever beasts to this... This strange existence where we do not understand what we are.

I feel so utterly alone so often. Alone in a universe that exists for no reason att all, alone in a universe that doesn't care. Alone in a world that cares as long as it doesn't have to pay anything. To quote Frank Castle: ''it works right up until the point that it doesn't.''

Sometimes I just want to take this so far that I am totally abandoned. It would prove me right, if nothing else. And it would be some sort of fucked up vengeance.

Sometimes you just wish for the blue pill, don't you? Blue and alone. Utterly and bitterly.

Weakling Avenger

Nice tattoo, huh?

The thing is that I don't have a right to be angry. I got myself to blame. And that doesn't exactely make me feel better.

It's fucked up and unfair (not to me, though) that I got something but can't just drop old wrongs and mistakes and shit. It's fucked up, wrong and grossly unfair.

Yeah, whatever.

''I am mortal, but am I human?''

Sic Vic Pacem, Para Bellum.

Sometime's this fury just rise up in me. Fury and disgust. I feel like throwing up and fighting.

So yeah. Fuck it. Fuck it. FUCK. IT. I'm tired and annoyed. Mostly with myself.

''Life is eternal warfare''

I have come to realize that to a large extent my
life is a life of war. I am constantly guarding the borders of my kingdom, constantly wondering if the people I encounter is friends, foes or indifferent. I'm like a little country.

Today I feel like North Korea or Belarus. As I do most days. I wish I could be a little bit more like the Netherlands.

Todays words of wisdom: ''There is no God but the one that dies with me. We come into this world all alone. And we will die on our own. Ain Elohim.''

No Hope, No Future, No Second Chance

Jag skriker ut i raseri, till alla er som ler
Som skrattar bakom ryggen, som pekar och ser ner
För jag har levt med hatet och smärtan i mitt bröst
Jag har sett ren ondska och den har gett mig tröst!

Ni fattar inget av
Min avsky och mitt hat!
Hur erat jävla svek
Har svärtat ner mitt sinne!

''När hela själen blöder tänker jag på er
Och när smärtan börjar avta så hatar jag er mer
För jag har levt med hatet och smärtan i mitt bröst
Jag har sett ren ondska och den har gett mig tröst!''

''Svarta tankar'' by Skitsystem.


THIS. IS. ME.

In a way it feels like I've come home. Not sure it's a good thing.

The little Failure Parade keeps marching on. It's getting heavy. There's just no end to it. It just keeps going and going. It stretches from horizon to horizon.

FOADIF

Svarta Tankar

Rediscovered an old favourite band of mine today: Skitsystem. Rediscovered a song that I had forgotten. A song that in almost every (lyrical) aspect deals with how I feel everey hour of every day of every month of every year. The feeling that I think is my worst problem. Svarta Tankar.

Enjoy. The lyrics seem to be impossible to find on the internet, but I hope you can hear what they sing anyway. It is important stuff. I used to listen to that song and that record constantly when I was in high school. Pure hatred. Pure strength in a perverted way. Pure sadness and pure weakness, too.

Lying down amon the liars, I deny my own desire

I wish... I wish it didn't feel like I was always making people feel nervous. Uneasy. No, correction. I wish I wasn't making people feel nervous and uneasy. I wish it wasn't my defensen. I wish it wasn't my way of... I wish I could just let it go. But old and bad habits die hard.

Fuck. It just makes me so sad. On the other hand I believe it has served me quite well from time to time. I just wish it was more of a tool than a side of me. I got to learn to control it more.

I don't know... I'm just sad. All the time. There is a part of me that just won't let go. Just keeps me chained to a barren history. Just makes me see shit I can't do nuthin' about now. It's fucked.

I'm fucked.

And you know... I don't want anyone back or anything. It's just that it had been nice if it had worked. And maybe that I didn't have so many regrets, you know?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! My head is like a beehive with everything just buzzing around inside my head and I don't know what it is or where it's going to land or be or what I really want or anything! I hate this! I hate hate hate it! I don't know anything anymore.

Triumph der Willes

I spent the night listening to Celtic Frost's 'Monotheist' album. It is pure brilliance in every aspect. I always find something new in it. This night it was the liner notes, and especially the liner notes to 'a dying god coming into human flesh' (''it deals with the feeling of failed emotional grandiosity that turns one into a completely self-obsessed egotistical entity'' etc.).

Knowledge handed to you is almost worthless. Knowledge gathered by yourself is worth almost everything.

''For those I love I profess to hurt. For those who love me profess to hurt me.''

Livskvalitet

Sometimes I wonder. If there is anything left. In me. People has left me, things has disappeared. I just feel like I don't even know if I care. I just feel very blasé about my life. It don't matter what happens, if it's good or bad, because it is the same. Just ways of killing time. And I feel nothing. I am actually sadder over the fact that I feel so little than I am over the actual pains I feel. At least tonight. Tonight the world could blossom or burn and it would make no difference. It would just be more opportunities or inconveniences.

Never mind. Time to sleep.

To The Death's Head True

One of those days. I'm thinking about almost every social interaction I have ever had with humans and I am filled with disgust. Not proper hate, but loathing. The world makes me sick. People makes me sick. Physically sick.

Everything annoys me right now. Peoples blindness, my own blindness, how my own blindness makes it harder for people to see.

I hate being human. I hate the fact that we need other people in our lives.

Got my totenkopf-ring anyway. Now I'm looking forward to that belt buckle with the odal rune on it. Gonna wear that one upside down.

At The Mouth Of Madness

I'm watching it right now. Pretty nifty. Seems like a pretty nifty Lovecraft tribute.

Got my lovecat with me. He is not that satisfied with the situation.

I'm pretty OK today. A bit drunk. I wish I wasn't so afraid of hurting. Of hurting other people. Especially when it comes to sex. I always feel... Guilty. Or potentially guilty. Like I might hurt people. Do something wrong. Something that will hurt. Something that will destroy it.

Male guilt? Feeling the guilt of the whole patriarchy? I dont't know. Maybe.

God, I should go to bed. Or something. Feel like the little mister will keep me awake for a while.

Happiness is a warm gun

I seem to remember happiness. Don't remember what it feels like, but I remember a time when life was at least OK or better on just about every level. Not that much below OK. When I just felt that it was pretty nice to be alive. That life was pretty good, although not perfect.

Maybe I am just being nostalgic. Probably. That's the problem, innit? I can never see what I got until it's too late.

I refuse to be worried about material things anymore. Can't stand it. So what if it blows up in my face? I've been hungry before. There's more important things at stake here, although I can hardly see them anymore and the tools I once thought I had... Well, I don't know how to use them anymore (if ever I did).

It's so... I don't know. That's the problem, you see. I don't know. I feel like mist.

And that hate is coming back. I feel myself tensing up everytime I'm outside the apartment, assessing people when they pass me, always being ready. And staying in the apartment is no solution. I just disappear into space. Not thinking, just to avoid feeling.

This isn't a home. At least not my home. It's full of other people.

I just feel so wasted. Like I've wasted myself. And it feels like I'm doomed to repeat it. But maybe not.

It's just a horrible feeling, both knowing that you can't and don't want to go back, but there's nothing on the horizon to move forwards to. It's more like a death march than a race.

Should get some sleep I guess. Won't work.

Ah, fuck it. I guess tomorrow will be better, or something.

My door.

You gotta represent, ya know?

God I make myself nauseous sometimes. I just got such a problem just being at certain places... If I don't feel welcome I just want to run away and cry. It can be stores, it can be clubs, it can be parties or any kind of place or thing. And the step after that is being with people who don't get me (and there's a lot of them. I can only think of 3 or 4 people, and none of them really knows all of me.). The only way to beat that feeling is either knowing that you are welcome (and that's easy at a concert. You just have to know about music, and KNOW that you know.) or you go in with a sense and attitude of ''fuck off! You mean nothing to me because I am better than you.'' Or you sit in the corner, skulking. Feeling that you are at best tolerated.

This is no way to live. Why are people first and foremost a threat to me?

"That is not dead which forever lie..."

"...and with strange aeons even death may die."

I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could just sit and feel instead.

No, I don't want that either. There's a bit too much pain in me.

I just feel so... I don't know. Loss is a hard thing. I just don't seem to be able to let it go. And it's in the way, so much in the way. I want it out of my life, now!

I don't think people understand how large a part of me is just some sort of autopilot. How much that autopilot does not feel like me, but something that I have created to be able to meet the world. It is the part that was created when I needed to be a salesman, it is the part of me that is used to dealing with customers. Everytime I meet a new person and they for some reason thinks I am charming, it is most likely that autopilot that's turned on and that deals with it while I'm in the back seat, cowering in a corner.

It's kind of funny... Quite often the times when people seem to think I am funniest and most charming and sociable is when I'm close to panicking. When I just drop the reins.

Never mind.

I have another problem, sort of. I'm always searching for consistency. That makes me kind of black-and-white. For example: telling someone to butt out because they are disturbing and punching their face in for being even more disturbing is basically the same thing for me. If I can do the first, I should be prepared and willing to do the second if the situation warrants it. In a situation I always think about how far something can go and if I am willing to take it to the extreme. It always makes other things hard. It makes me scared. Having a row with a friend is the same thing as being willing to end the friendship. Telling someone to get a grip and behave like civilized people when they ain't is the same thing as starting a fight when someone is treating a loved one in a really disrespectful manner. It's just a question of degrees. And other people don't seem to think like that. They seem to think that people really do have some sort of morality or something. I don't have that faith in people. And that makes it kind of hard to stick up for people. No, not hard to stick up for people. That ain't the problem. Knowing when it's OK to stick up for people is the problem.

Another thing is this thing about searching for a place in the world... I mean, I despise humanity most of the time, and yet I want to be a part of it? Or do I? I don't know anymore. I feel that I'm trying to find a place among "regular" people and all I feel like saying is things like "is this your idea of entertainment? Do you think this if funny, for real?" Or the classic: "Do you really think that you are really drunk now?" I mean, I just find so many people boring, I find humanity boring and disappointing. But is that a fact or is that a defensive reaction? Do I cut them out of my life because I don't want to face their rejection?

Reading this, I realize that I sound like a fucking snob.

Horizon

Feeling better today. Could hardly sleep tonight, but I guess it helped anyway. Sort of.

It really drains you, spending time with people you don't know, people that there really isn't any connection to.

Plus, being out there just makes me feel trapped.

I guess having spent a lifetime ignoring yourself and never really letting anyone close makes it kind of hard to actually know, see and meet anything.

Horizon

Feeling better today. Could hardly sleep tonight, but I guess it helped anyway. Sort of.

It really drains you, spending time with people you don't know, people that there really isn't any connection to.

Plus, being out there just makes me feel trapped.

I guess having spent a lifetime ignoring yourself and never really letting anyone close makes it kind of hard to actually know, see and meet anything.

Mad & Sad

I don't get people. I don't get myself. I don't get it. And they don't get me. It's a weird feeling, somehow feeling like you are close to the (moral) edge all the time. And it's strange. Everything feels so strange. I'm so strange.

The past week has been good. Spent a lot of time with people I like. Why do I like them? Because they are charming and nice. Why do I feel good with those particular people? Because I feel like I can't be too much with them.

Being part of a culture where you always want to push things to the extreme is very interesting in many ways but it also makes you feel alienated from the rest of the world and being who I am... I don't want to meet the world like that. Like I'm always on the defensive. I want to have some common ground. I want to be able to actually MEET the world.

Should I just accept that I am who I am or should I change? Wouldn't change be capitulation? Selling out? Would I be changing for my own sake or would I just be smoothening my edges down just to... Would I surrender?

I feel so very alone in this. Always alone.

In the end we are all alone, I guess.

I feel so utterly different. Always.

Damn it! I was feeling good and now... I keep breaking my own heart. And I don't even know what's breaking anymore.

A friend once said: ''it doesn't get better. It gets different.''

I feel like such a phony. Like such a fraud. Like a bad copy. Everywhere. All the time.

I'd just like to truly MEET someone. To truly SEE someone (and to be seen). And by this I don't mean to say that I want to fall in love. That's not it at all. It's something else. For a few seconds I thought that I had at least glimpsed it, but I doubt it. I really do.

Never mind. It's 4 AM and I haven't had a proper nights sleep since I don't know when. Probably never. I am very very tired. Tired and old. And a bit broken. And disillusioned. I feel alone, want to be left alone but know that it will only make things worse.

Death To Everyone

I just want to get it over with. Get it out of me. Just get over it totally. Completely. Everything. And just start anew. But I can't. And I don't feel like it's fair. I don't know if I'll be able to treat people fairly, to treat people the way they deserve when my mind is just boundcing of mental walls all the time.

And I'm so fucking angry at the whole world right now. I'm on the brink of getting into fights all the time. I am, very fast, moving towards the point that I don't want to return to. And I don't know what to do.

It's almost like a fucking mental plague. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be this way. Always confrontational, even more than necessary, just because offence is the best defence. And I'm just... I have nothing. I'm as closed up as ever I was. I can't reach into those parts of my soul anymore. And I'm proud. Maybe too proud.

The thought of the fact that this is a process that will last me my whole life is scaring me something fierce.

I hate people.

I hate the human race.

Rapture

My door. That's nice. It's actually mine.

Had a nice birthday. ONLY good people there. Good bands. Cheap alcohol. Hardly any hangover. Just some form of melancholia. I feel empty. I haven't even left the apartment all day except to buy pizza and smokes. And I haven't done anything besides that and listening to music. Lethargy. Great night, though. I don't think I have been so filled with life and actually joy in a long time.

I feel pissed off. I just want to say ''fuck off'' to the whole world.

I can't stand people. Just a few of them (and they really matter), but otherwise... They make me nauseous. My mind just want to throw up and I just want to go into hiding. And now I have somewhere to hide. Again.

I have no TV. I have no internet connection. I have no stereo. I hardly have any books. My movies and records are still in boxes. I have nothing to keep me busy but my own mind. And what a demon it is. But it is also nice, in some way. Nothing to distract me.

I wish I could do more for my friends. I wish I had the guts to do more.

Raus!

Got my new apartment. No internet there, yet. We'll see how we fix that.

Lot of shit to take care of. Feels nice to have a place of your own, but still... I got that feeling of panic in my stomach. It feels awful. Like everything will crash. And I will have to beg to be able to stay afloat. I hate begging.

It's so hard for me to ask for help. There's so much that I just don't... There's locks everywhere.

And there are so many practical circumstances that just keeps dragging shit out. Just keeps dragging it out. Lack of time, lack of money. Lack of fucking everything.

Shaking foundations

Pinpoint again. I feel like I make people nervous. In a bad way.



I feel so empty today. So... So unidentified. It feels strange, not knowing who you are anymore. Very alone, no matter who you share it with.

I just don't seem to be able to stop being sad. Even when I'm happy, I'm sad.

Geburtstag

My birthday is coming up. It feels strange. I've never tried to make a big thing about it, mainly because I was (and am) afraid of being disappointed. Now it feels even smaller than ever. Funny. Not that it necessarily is smaller, it's just that so much have already happened and so much is happening right now that it just don't... It feels so much smaller. Some kind of loss of innocence, maybe.

But what the fuck. I need stuff. I am both greedy and lazy, so here´s some stuff you could get me. If you'd want to. Or you could get me something else, something that I didn't know I wanted and needed.

I need knives. Kitchen knives. Good ones.
I need a black or burgundy V-necked pullover, for summer/autumn use. Or a nice cardigan.
I need money.
I need socks. Thin, black ones. Not too warm.
And that's just about it.

I also want these things from IKEA (and some other stuff from the same serie's), but I can't say that I need them right now. But anyway. If any of you care.
Molger spegelskåp:

Orgel taklampa:

Otherwise, I'm just happy for some love and attention. That's more than enough for me.

Do what thou Wilt, under Love, shall be the whole of the Law.

I've been losing my need for symbols and symbolism lately. That's interesting. It makes me think that focusing problems, attitudes and the world in general through symbols and symbolism was a way of shielding myself, of protecting myself. No, wait a minute... Saying that "it makes me think..." makes it sound like I didn't know that that was what I doing. Which I both did and do know. But I used to see it as a tool, and as a pretty good tool. But what I really am starting to think now is that no matter how good of a tool it was, it's a tool that wasn't really up for this challenge. Because no matter how epressive symbols might be, they are also limiting. They are a bit like my search for an all-permeating philosophy of life. It's not just done without limiting yourself.

Somehow I must make myself realize that there is no need for me to identify with something.

I feel more provocative than I have done for a long time, but there's a more healthy feeling to it now. The feeling of wanting a swastika tattooed on my forehead just to make the world see how much I hate it is fading. Instead it is replaced by a feeling of mischief, and I like that. A feeling of being a bit wrong just to tease peoples minds in a friendly way, not to make them hate or fear. Of being a bit 'wrong' just to provoce people to think. Maybe I'll pick up the iron cross again.

Still dying with every step I take

I wish I'd stop seeing the mistakes. I really do.

Note to self

Must not read old letters. Not now. Not when it doesn't matter anymore.

Must not think. Must not try to remember. Must try and look forward instead.

I'm so tired of pain. I'm so tired of feeling like this, although "this" thing I feel changes a bit everytime I feel it.

I don't know if I am depressed. I think that I am mostly very very sad. Sad that I have been so stupid, so blind, so weak, so... So wrong. What hurts the most is the pain I've caused. Not to myself, but to her. I guess that is why it was so (relatively) easy to let her have what she wanted and needed even though it humiliated me. Because at least then I didn't hurt her anymore. Then I actually could make her happy, in some way.

I hate hurting people. That is also one of the reasons I have a problem with people and with relationships. If you get to know each other really well, you might easily hurt the other. I hate that. I hate beeing in that position. Feeling like I have the power to really hurt someone. Feeling like I maybe have to hurt someone.

Anyways. I've been getting some sort of pause again, but in a different way. For example: for the first time since I moved, I feel like I'm in a rush to get from work. I have a little something to look forward to. It's a really really small feeling, but it's nice to feel something moving inside me again, something that isn't just warm, slippery, rotten darkness. Something that doesn't feel like a moray eel in my soul. I'm just so fucked up that it's so hard for me to see beyond how this will fail. It makes it hard to focus. But I try.

I just hope that I won't hurt anyone.

Top Gun

I managed to pin point it the other day. When I am in a social situation I have like an auto pilot that just takes charge and does it's thing while I'm in the back seat keeping my eyes covered. The thing is that this autopilot is a bit too impulsive and it tends to have some sort of "offence is the best defence"-attitude. That's kind of a bummer. I'm quite sure that this auto pilot can be quite charming. But it is very much a learned behaviour, and it does not necesarilly stem from a will to be nice but in a will to... Not to impress. I'm not a great fan of people that thinks that I am "cool" or whatever. More of a will to... to show myself strong and independent, I guess. To make myself look like I know myself and like myself.

Not such a good pin point when you read it through.

Trench Warfare

That's what it was.


I feel... I feel worried. Worried. About? Don't rightly know. It just feels like every time something that might be good falls into my lap I have to dissect it and be sceptical about it and just see where it's going to end.

Like this: I feel worried that I don't feel. Stupid, innit?

I don't understand how you are supposed to work. How people are supposed to work. How you are supposed to feel if you are not a total fucking freak and a monster.

Perfection

It won't get any more evil than this. This is absolute darkness.

Sola Fide

I'm at it again. Thinking and feeling that I am too much. Too extreme, too loud, too stupid, too much of and not enough of everything.

Tonight I know exactely why I behaved the way I did last year. Tonight I just want to shut myself in myself, I want to stay indoors and never ever go out again. Never ever meet another person. No one. Ever. Just not let me be the complication that I always feel like I am. Not putting other people through the ordeal it is to be with me.

Yeah... Almost broke down on the subway ride home. Just wanted to go somewhere safe. But there is nowhere safe. There is no home. There is no place and no one that knows me. Sees me.

The thing is that I meet people, talk to people and stuff. And some of them have seen worse stuff than I have. They might have had it done to them. They might have done it to other people. But somehow, they are still people. There is something in them that is them. I'm not saying that they are unscathed by the shit in their lives. I'm saying is that they are... They have a core of... Of themselves, I guess. I don't feel like I have that. I don't feel like it genuinly exists something that is me. If it does I have buried it in something else. Some kind of defence.

It's thunder outside. And lightning. That is nice.
I'm with the cats. That is nice.
It's strange to be back here. Easier than I thought, though. But strange. Really strange. It looks like it did when I lived here. And yet it don't. I don't know what feels saddest. The fact that it looks like it always did and I'm not in it anymore or the fact that there are small small changes that shows me just how out I am. It's strange how small a mark you can leave on the world. In every way but one, I guess.

I'm just sad. That's all. Just sad. Not angry or disappointed. Just sad.

Galloping through the ruins

I guess what it comes down to is that I am trying to make some kind of peace. That I am coming to terms. I have no illusions that this is the end or something like that. I am fully aware of that there will most likely be more pain in the future. But I believe that I might be passing some kind of bump now. Maybe. I hope so.

I guess E. was right. You have to find a new relationship. Maybe it's better. Maybe it's worse. Maybe it's just different. The thing is this: I have a hard time with changes. In many ways I'm very conservative. Not when it comes to values (well...) or politics, but in my life. But I am it out of fear. I fear change. I genuinly fear change. And I have done so my whole life. Other people might have though it exciting to start school when they were kids. I remember it in every way as a genuinly frightening experience. Every step of the way. Other people might think that moving is an exciting thing. I loathe it. I fear it. On the other hand, the move I am about to take fills me with some sort of joy. It absolutely terrifies me, but it also feels... For the first time it feels exciting. I am desperately trying to hold on to that feeling, and though the prospect of moving this safe haven that I am in now fills me with sadness and melancholy it actually gets easier every day to think about the fact that I will be living by myself.

What I on the other hand have noticed is that I have a hard time functioning normally when I am living alone. Like now, because S. is out of town. And when she was down at SRF i felt how my little black pit was beckoning me. Although me and S. are living very separate lives and keep very different hours I still find it easier to go to sleep when someone else is sleeping near by.

I guess I will learn that trick to. The thing is that it's quite ease for me to stay awake even when I am dead tired. I guess it is because of my previous job which sometimes required you to stay awake for 20 hours in a row. For maybe 5 days straight.

I don't know...

On a complete sidenote, one thing that I just managed to put my finger on is that I'm really fed up with having to defend, or feel like I have to defend what I am, what I listen to and what I like. I'm really fucking tired of people trying to be funny and trying to be ironic about what lies really close to my heart. Like ironic 'cursing.' "Fuck forever off" to put it in the words of H. I will probably be accused of having no distance to myself, and do you know what I have to say about that? You are absolutely right. In some ways I have absolutely no distance to some things. After years of being slightly ashamed of what I like etc. because it might look "objectively" silly I have come to the conclusion that it just doesn't fucking matter. Looking at things "objectively" can F.O.A.D.I.F. What I wish for now is that the rest of the world that doesn't get it just stays the fuck away from things it doesn't understand and just acknowledge the fact that it doesn't get it. I do that all the time. There's a shitload of things that people do and is that I think is silly and stupid etc. but I just get on with it. It has nothing to do with me. Sure, I might not appreciate it, but that doesn't mean that I have to make fun of it. What I think other people do that is silly and stupid is just their version of what I do that they think is silly and within their cultural framework/context it is probably immensely correct. So just leave it. Leave it alone if you don't get it. We don't need you, you don't need us. Let's just agree to disagree and we can get back to our particular cultural illusions. Trying to do something else, trying to have som fucking dick measuring contest is like... It's not even like comparing apples with pears, it's like comparing water with fire (and on another plane it might be like comparing boiling water with ice).

If you don't get what I am talking about, I am talking about people that thinks that metal is just something that yu can make fun of. I got news for you: "heavy metal parking lot" is taking place in one part of America in a specific period in time. It's not reality.

Blaaah. If I might seem a bit grumpy it's because I just had a go at the disgusting whisky. It tastes worse than ever.

Momentum

I'm in some sort of pause right now. Or however you want to describe it. I'm trying not to think. I'm trying not to feel. And it actually feels like I don't have to feel anything right now. It feels like I have more or less ploughed through all the shit I can plough through. At least for this time. Going back to dissect them even further would not be constructive. I know what I need to know. Some things still piss me off, some things still make me sad. But that's just the way it is right now. They are in the back of my mind, and I have the answers and the knowledge I need to not let them take a dominating part of my life. Of my existance. Which is nice.

I know what there is to know, I think.

On the other hand...

...I sometimes just feel how my heart breaks for certain humans. I see someone, and for just a split second I see the beauty in them. It is always in outcasts and freaks, or old people. People who somehow are not part of the norm. Deformed people, sick people, ugly people. Preferebly the ones who just look 'wrong', but not so wrong that you actually can see what is wrong with them. Just for a few seconds or minutes, but still. Like this junkie I saw on the subway the other day. He had two black eyes, his face was worn and his clothes dirty and worn out. And I could see in his eyes that he knew exactely what the rest of the train saw when they looked at him. And I could see that it hurt him. I could also see that under the right/wrong circumstances he would not hesitate to kill me. I could see that he probably had a really bad temper, too. I could see that he had probably done a lot of horrible things. Some things he probably didn't even think about any more and some of them probably ate away at his soul. But I could not help but look at him and just be sad for him. For his sake. For what has been wasted in him. For what has been destroyed.

I am not going to say that I believe him to be a good man or a kind man. But I am going to say that I do not think it impossible that he is as good and as kind as he can be, under the circumstances.

The thing is... I don't know. I don't know if I was and am as good and kind as I could/can be, under the circumstances. I do know that I have never felt as worn down and worn out as I did last year. I hardly remember anything, but what I do remember is being constantly tired and constantly fucked up, in one way or the other. I remember that I shat blood several times a week a year ago. And I remember that when it wasn't blood it sometimes was something more resembeling snot. I remember that I could hardly fall asleep and I never ever slept a whole night through. And that is basically the only thing I remember from last year. That, and a fucking pit of worries, gnawing at my insides. Studies and money, mostly. I was so worried about the money situation that you can't even begin to understand half of it. And the studies... Don't even get me started. And i just didn't feel understood. By anyone.

But it is as it is. And I guess it will be alright in the end. I hope so.

I'm pretty ok today. A bit tender, maybe. But pretty ok. I still feel pretty fragile, though. Don't know how long it will last this time. We'll see. Will be having kittehs soon.

Nirvana

I managed to put my finger on it on the subway ride home. I feel like I have sold my soul. And now there's nothing left in me. There is no me left.

There's no joy. Even even when there are joyfull moments, there is always a bitter aftertaste. Of never really belonging. And in some way of no longer being able to belong. Because too much has happened. No real home. There are a few reservations, but not even there... Not even there.

I remember feeling like this. This hopeless. And then I would rush home. Rush home to her. And just to be in the same room would calm me down. Would settle me.

Today, I remember nothing good. I walked amon people today, on my way home. Bought milk and cigarettes. Looked at people. Tried to get them. But I didn't. I felt so alien. Like I was looking at people and wanted to ask them "what are you doing? Why are you doing it? What joy does this give you? Do you see any worth here, in this?" I don't know if I know too much or too little. But today, everything I see fills me with sadness. Today, everyone fills me with sadness. Today, everything fills me with a sense of not being able to understand. Not being able to relate.

I don't want to die. But right now I want to be totally erased from creation. Wiped out. No trace left, no memory of me left. Like I had never existed at all. To be nothing.

My loneliness shines...

And I can just see some things all to well now. Episodes when I just should have stood up and said "what the fuck is the problem!?" and just take the fight. If nothing else for my own sake. But I didn't. Instead I just swallowed it. And kept swallowing. Drove me back. Crept back into my corner. Into myself. Because you don't let them see what they have accomplished.

I remember numerous of these times when I remember feeling that "I should fight back or leave. Just show her that I'm not OK with this." But I didn't. Reflex? Cowardice? Does it matter? Plus, I am kind of used to things being my fault. To me deserving it.

And I can't honestly say that I would do it differently today.

Fuck fuck fuck.






















Fuck fuck fuck.

It can really get to you...

...being lonely. Like tonight. Being alone in bed. You miss it more than you'd think you'd do.

Not nice. Not nice at all.

And I can think of no cure. No viable, real cure. Nothing that wouldn't hurt more afterwards.

Fuck.

Well, I'll get to be with the cats soon. That will be nice.

Rock solid

Evertime someone hurts me, they turn into one of them. And you don't let them see that they have managed to affect you. Because then they have won. Just like they did when they managed to provoke me into one of my tantrums at school. Or when they managed to make me cry. They win.

And it's not productive. But that's they way I work. And the more the person hurting me means, the more I turn into stone on the outside. Because for just that moment they turn into one of them even more than anyone else has ever done. Because they have such power over you.

I'm trying really really hard not to be that way. But it is so hard not to. After all, this is the way I have been (or have tried really hard at being) for the last 15 years or more. The thing is, I always thought I was really transparent. I always thought that people saw what I was and what I had been anyways. I guess I got to good at keeping the mask up.

Had a nice night, though. Can't complain. Although I doubt I will be surprised again for a long long time. Right now I doubt that anything will surprise me. But I'm quite tipsy, so that's alright. Tonight everything is alright.

So long, kameraden.

Nornornas nät

It's like my whole world was conspiring against this. Like faith just threw everything it had against us. Not enough that the things I could choose put her of, scared her, made her feal ill at ease. Things I couldn't do anything about, things I sometimes didn't even see. And it just...

I don't know. If I wanted to run away, to disappear before, that wish has more than doubled now. And now it's so much more I want to disappear from.

Fuck.

I have come to realize something horrible. During these past years, everyone I (still) know has grown. Evolved. I have not. And more important, I have not seen their growth. I have not seen that it is OK to grow. To change. To evolve. I have created something that is not me. Not all me. And by seeing the world - my world - through that somethings eyes, I have not really seen things for what they are. I have not seen my friends for what they are. Because the thing through which I have viewed the world... It can't see things properly. It sees itself in others. I have come to realize that I have not let myself know myself. And by doing that I have not let anyone else know me, or let me know anyone else.

For the first time I think I understand what she meant when she said that I had to let the big one take care of the little one. That that was what it was there for. To care and protect the little one.

It's horrible, coming to the realization that you don't know who you are. That you are not a complete person. It's horrible realizing that you have mutilated yourself so. And it is even more horrible to realize that by doin that you have not only hurt and maimed yourself, your true self, but you have hurt people around you. You have destroyed beautiful things. You have ignored things that would have made your life so much better. And for what? I honestly don't know anymore. I honestly can't put my finger on what it was I thought I was gaining. I don't remember. I have ruined lives and for what? Absolutely nothing.

It is no fun to realize that you are still a child when you are just a month from turning 26. No fun at all. And it is horrible the way it has smacked me in the face. It is horrible to get your short comings pointed out in that way.

But it is as it is. No amount of wishes will change that. But it doesn't make it fun.

I feel so wasted. So worn out. So spent. But it is as it is.

It is no fun not knowing who you are. No fun at all.

Left hand path

It may sound like I spend all my waking hours just feeling worthless and sorry for myself. That is not totally correct. I am pretty ok most of the time. And in one way I am glad. Not glad that I am feeling like I tend to do or that what has happened has happened. Not that at all. But I am seeing myself for the first time. I am seeing who I am, what I am and why I am. I'm daring myself to feel. And although that in itself isn't a source of happiness it makes me feel alive.

Unfortunately, I am a pessimist afraid of just about everything and writing is my main outlet, so this blog might be a bit lobsided. Not untrue, just not the whole truth.

I am calm and need nothing today. Today, it feels like I can take it all. It's amazing what company do for you. There's so much I missed, so much I didn't see. And that is the worst part. That I had to go through this shit to realize that for example touching and beeing touched is important to me. It just makes me feel like... I don't know. Like such a fucking fool.

Yeah.

It's fucked.

I'm fucked. In so many ways. My imagination makes just about every cause of action impossible. It just draws up scenarios and just the the pain these scenarios cause is almost too much. And THIS scenario... It's not that far fetched. It is a very real possibility that what I fear might be real. And I don't think I can face that. Not when the mere possibility of it almost makes me fall in to a sobbing pile of used rags and wishes of a creation ceased.

And at the same time I can hardly think about anything else.

Summa summarum: if no one else pisses me in the face, you can be damn sure I'll do it myself. Golden showers FTW. It's almost funny.

Fuck

Not nearly drunk enough. Just sobered up and can't go back to sleep.

And I just remembered what an evil little fuck I can be sometimes.
Some things you don't talk about. Some things you don't want others to know about you. Some things other people don't want to know about you. No matter how much it bears on your concience.

Yup.

Och vad gör jag nu då?

Domestic Duties

They are falling behind.

God. Exactely how pathetic are you if you have to go out and down beer and drinks for Xhundred crowns just to be drunk enough to sleep without nightmares? I had some really disturbing dreams last night.

Well, at least I got a new experience, and that is soothing my nerves with alcohol. And boy, it works! Hopefully it will kill of the caffein.

MY problems doesn't bother me that much now. Sure, they are still there, but I'm learning to deal with them (at least that is what it feels like right now). What's been occupeing my mind is the relationship. I can't get it out of my mind. Where it went wrong etc. I think back on it and compare it and I just see diffences. And I feel like a used wetstone.

And I'm not drunk enough to go to sleep.

Fuck.

My therapist said that it is very common, people breaking up when they are my age. People grow and evolve and grow and yaddayadda. Maybe that is the truth. But it doesn't help. It just makes it feel even worse. Like this had no chance and we have been fooling ourselves from the start.

I feel like a used wetstone and I am not nearly drunk enough.

And they way it all ended... It closed of a lot of ways of evolution for me. Because no matter what I still have some sense of pride. And that is something I can't and won't let go off.

And I am not nearly drunk enough.

To make a HM-reference, I am (as I have always been) between the hammer and the anvil. And aren't we all?

And I am not nearly drunk enough.

Om another note: it's strange that meeting old friends has to feel so akward.

But on a positive note I felt how downing 6 cl of hard liqour soothed my nerves (albeit only momentarely).

And I think I might finally be drunk enough.

Thank you and good night.

Quid Pro Quo

There's a certain way that I act (or should I say react?) when I am in a social situation. I take charge. Or dominate. Or whatever. Take up a lot of space.

I do it because I'm nervous. I do it out of some sort of "offence is the best defence" way of thinking. But it's not like I'm thinking about it when I do it. I just act.

Sometimes I just want to cut out my tounge.

On the other hand, discussing things is one of the things I enjoy the most. But a lot of the time it feels like I do it for the wrong reasons. Like I do it because I want to tell people how much I know, how smart I am, how right I am. As I stated in the beginning of The Project, the only thing I have ever been is smart. So I guess I feel like I have to prove myself. Prove that I can bring something to the table. Hell, I want to prove that I own the fucking table! It's like winning a fight to me. And it's a fucking disgusting way of thinking and feeling.

A barbarian in Rome or a roman among barbarians, remember?

There are few places where I feel safe and comfortable. They are not enough and not all of them is the ones I really want, but I am grateful nonetheless.

Kisses

The thing that really makes me annoyed with myself was that I felt pretty good for most of last week. Strong. Brave. Facing the future. Keeping my back straight.

But it takes so little to push me down. To push me back. So little. I feel like the proverbial camel.

I really have a problem with people these days. I'm starting to feel like I should move to another city. But then I would have nothing. On the other hand, maybe that is what I need.

I'm so tired of feeling like this. It breaks me down and spit me out every fucking time.

There´s so much of me missing. And nothing to replace it. That's the difference. And soon I'll be in the deep end.

But I guess it'll work out. It always does, one way or the other. Maybe not in a good way, but in some way. It's just so hard to make something constructive of this when I feel my whole soul just curling up like a viper poised to attack. I don't want that, but that's what's happening to me.

What doesn't kill you only postpone the inevitable

Q: "Yeah?"

A: "Yeah."

Q: "Yeah!?"

A: "Yeah."

Q: "?"

A: "..."

Yeah...

There it is.

It's just fuck. I can't feel nothing but it. Fuck and some sort of rage. And a pit of... Nothing? Despair?

It just doesn't change, you know? It just doesn't. It's the same as it always was. I've just learned to recognize it. To live with it. But it doesn't change. Not in it's core.

I'm trapped.

Everything can just go fuck itself.

Bleargh

I don't know what I am doing. I don't know why I am doing this. I don't know the way out. I don't know where to go from here. I'm pissed of at it. I'm annoyed. And I'm whining a lot. Sorry for that. I'm just.... Things happen. I feel things. I behave in certain ways. But I can hardly see the correlation anymore. It's like I got some kind of destructive auto pilot in my head. Something that just finds something that hurts and steers right into it while the rest of me don't even know what's happening and BAM! I'm down on the floor hyperventilating and crying and just want it to stop and just want my whole life to never have happened. How do you stop that from happening?

Reich & Roll

Spending time with people is the only thing that helps. And it did, yesterday. It helped so much.

Oh, yeah. And alcohol. That helps a bit. But it fucks me up as well.

I can feel it creeping back on me now, but I will try and keep it at bay. It annoys me something fierce that I don't even know what "it" is.

Relentless

This aint the way it's supposed to be
There's a dark cloud following me
Im disillusioned and I'm down on the world again
There's movies going on in my head and all I can see is the color red
I'm relentless and I'm down on the world again

Give me tomorrows broken dreams now
I'm feeling like a loaded gun!

There's a world of guilt written on my face
And I feel ashamed for the human race
I've been forsaken and I'm down on the world again

I feel so alone in this crowd
My thoughts of despair are getting loud
I'm disrespected and I'm down on the world again
Love and tolerance have abandoned me
And I feel the gloom hovering over me
I'm resentful and I'm down on the world again

Give me tomorrows broken dreams now
I'm feeling like a loaded gun!
Give me tomorrows holy schemes now
So hopless when there's no place left to run

-Social Distortion, Down On The World Again

Righ now I feel like every choice I have ever made has been a mistake. Has been the wrong choice. The wrong decision. And what's worse is that I feel like I haven't made that many choices at all.

I hate everything right now. Myself most of all. I don't know how you fight this.

I Don't Want To Be Born

This is one of those days when I just feel so totally, abysmally sad. It's one of those days.

Why do you feel like this? What purpose can it possibly serve? What is the point? It is so much, so strange that I sometimes wonder if it is really happening at all. I just don't get it.

I just don't know what to write right now. I just feel like an abyss, like I am falling in myself. Into myself. If I could take a real, physical look into my own soul right now I am convinced that it would look like the cover of "Altars of Madness." Wild, chaotic, evil, stupid. I feel like such an emotional dwarf. I feel like the most worthless human being alive today.

Starting to think about lobotomy. Just cutting the pain away. Remove the part of my brain and my soul that feels pain. I have this hole in me.

Not getting therapy any more. Right now... Right now I am back. Back in my old self. I feel like shit today, but I don't know why. That's the problem. I don't know why anymore. It's just this hole in me. I can't see it, I can't touch it, I can't explore it. I just feel it. I hate it.

There's a certain edge to me and my acts these days. An edge of destruction. It's like whatever I do, there's a part of me that want it to escalate and go too far. I don't really know why, because I know that doing that will only make me feel worse. On the other hand, there's a part of that just don't care about anything anymore. That part could do anything (and I mean anything) just because it could. Doing something or not doing something is the same thing for it. I'm just reminded of that play. And of grief. And mourning.

Got to pull myself together.