Obscured

"Somewhere inside.
It's still obscured.
Darkness reflects.
Stronger than fear.
I seize control to inhale this final day.
I shut my mind but I'm falling anyway.
No.
And I think that I'm all alone.
I can feel the rain pull me down again.
No.
And I know that I have no home.
I can feel the pain take a hold again.
Tied to the ground.
In mounting shade.
My soul is bound.
And so it fades.
And I know that I won't escape.
My remaining faith is draped.
Like my hurt and my fleeting grace.
In this numbing empty space."

This song has haunted me today. I listened to it maybe 10 times in a row. It is from the previously mentioned 'Monotheist' album. The first time it came on in my iPod it immediately became the soundtrack to my travels back home and I was falling deeper and deeper. And then something happened and then it stopped. And then I came home and it was worse than ever. And now it feels ok, I guess.

I feel like I have behaved like such a traitor and like such an emotional couch potato. If there is one thing I should have learned during these past years it is that I must never relax. There is always something that can be done. And I obviously haven't done it. Fuck.

FUCK!

Nihil Verum Nisi Mors

I wrote this little review on my livejournal, but I thought it was good enough to tbe published here as well.

"Isn't it strange how sometimes records just fit? I'm thinking about Celtic Frost and their comeback 'Monotheist'. I find it absolutely amazing that while it hardly sounds as Celtic Frost at all, it is unmistakeably a Frost album. It is enthralling in it's complexity and it's simplicity. Barbaric riffs, semi classical pieces, female vocals and they manage to pull it off! It just sounds so dark, powerful and in so many ways, deep. It sounds like Death. Although I think that metal does not need to be smart and in many cases is much better of if you stay away from intellectualism, it feels very good that such a smart and intellectual record is released. Something so full with meaning and knowledge and pain and philosophical focus. There is a point to this record. And still the delivery feels very intuitive and obscure.

Actually, the most boring part on the whole album is the first two tracks. Two tracks that has classical Frost riffing and the o so lovely 'Uh!'s. A shame, but I guess it says a bit about how magnificent I think this album is. I would easily put it up there with 'To Mega Therion.'

And the lyrics really speaks volumes to me these days. Although I can draw no straight paralleles to my life, it really feels like they are about me or is some kind of instruction or description. I belive Tom G. Warrior went through a similar (but probably even more devastating) situation during or just before the creation of 'Monotheist', and that probably explains a lot. But the man is obviously bipolar, so I don't know what that says about me. If I remember correctly Martin Eric Ain lost his mother previous to the making of the album and the "Death is certain, Life is not"-theme is an obvious result of that."

Fugitive

Right now I just want to run. Run far away. Just run. To somewhere where I can't see or hear or feel. I'm so scared right now because I have absolutely no idea of what's going to happen. It feels like this is where it starts. Or ends. And if it ends, I don't know how it will end. So I just want to run so I never have to find out. But I have nowhere to run.

Hurt

I kind of feel like I can identify with Kermit. ;)


I don't think I have had one real feeling during the day. The night took a heavy toll. I have been completely drained and empty. I could have been shot and not cared. It feels good. Or, it felt good. Because I get some pangs now and then and it makes the promise I made yesterday hard to keep. Sure, the promise was made in a state of some mental disarray. But I still think the main point of it might be a good approach. Shut down. Detach. Let trouble come to me, not the other way around.

I don't know. As I have said before, I feel like I am mostly just emotional reactions. Rationality's gone out the window. I feel like I don't know if my actions are right or wrong until they come back and slap me in the face. It bugs me. I feel like I in some sense became a man al those years ago when I fucked everything up the first time. And i became one by learning right from wrong and trying to do right. That took a lot of discipline (and in some sense emotional mutilation). I feel like all that is gone. Like I am the same emotionally underdeveloped person I was then.

The thing is that this discipline, an trying to everything objevtive and doing it right... I feel like I can't escape. By denying these emotions their outlet, it feels like they still effect me in other ways. Killing things inside me. Effecting my behaviour, but in other ways. Insidious...

I don't want to be objective right now. I want to hate and kill. But I don't. I have a little whirlwind that's trying (and sometimes succeding) to break out. But I keep it away. And in some ways that makes me so sad, denying myself that. And not embracing it makes me fear it's effect even more. But I can't let it out. It would kill everything. humans are not good by nature. So by being good, we have to deny a large part of our nature. Of ourselves. Heh... It is interesting that I managed to connect this to my post about Hobbes, don't you think?





And for some reason the whole 'Monotheist' album by Celtic Frost seems to speak to me.




On a happier note, I got a D on my last test. I means I passed. It also means I was really close to failing. But at least I passed.

Edge

I just read some old diary notes. Came to the conclusion that I have been a bit fucked in the head for quite some time. Paranoid. Lack of confidence. Angry.

This life just dissapoints, you know? I can't wait to get some sort of safety. Just knowing that if shit fucks up it will be alright.

Fuck.

Woven Hand

This day has been strange. Felt awful, ate som breakfast/lunch, took a walk in woods with the family. It will be gone soon. That felt strange too. Now I feel pretty ok. Our jehovas-relatives are here. Feels nice that I actually manage to wear better looking suits and ties than them, and they have to wear them every weekend. You'd think that they would pick up a bit or two. At least enough not to look like a total freak on a wedding (ie wearing red. Or wearing black shirt and white tie. Or wearing white.). On the other hand, if there's some thought brought into dressing like that at a wedding, I'm all for it. I just doubt that they think in that way and that it has more to do with ignorance.

I like dressing nice now. Wearing expensive deoderant. Shaving often. Thinking about stuff like that. It makes me feel good about myself, you know?

God, I am bored and stressed out at the same time. I have an attention span of maybe 10 minutes.

And the computer makes those funny noises electronical devices do when a mobile phone is being active near by. So I am thinking "someone is calling to save me from this boredom." But nooo. Nothing. Just noises. Boooored.

Just took a walk up to the church and back. Felt nice. Cold, dark and a lot of moisture in the air. It didn't rain, it was just very cold and humid. Cleared my head a bit. And fogged up my glasses.

"He delights not in the strength of horses
He takes no pleasure in the cleverness of men"

So. I am at the old folks place. The same feelings as usual starts to creep on me. I'm happy to be here but I feel terribly lonely. Not as bad as last time. I guess it feels better this time because I don't really have anything to go home to, right now.

Got basically nothing this christmas (apart from the stuff mentioned in an earlier post). And that is totally fine. I didn't want anything. I got nothing. Cool. It actually feels good to just get it over with. I got a pair of sweatpants and some skull band aids and a hippie book. Sweet.

I'm so tired. And stressed out. And bored.

Yeah...

I got nothing to write. Nothing new. Everything is the same. Nothing changes.

Nox Exterior

It's been a pretty good day, I guess. Work was busy but it was perfectly OK. My back wasn't acting up. No foul moods. Got a really nice and warm black-and-grey sweater with a little unicorn on it. Really nice. Got my pay (not much, but it will work out). Got a phone call that said that my computer is fixed and as far as I understood it I don't have to pay shit. I will actually get money back. + I should be getting some money that people own me in the coming months. And that means a new mobile phone. My only problem is how I will have time to fix the last things before leaving on christmas eve. Got to get an iPod charger tomorrow. Got to do a ton of dishes. Got to buy some chocolate for my work mates (=kissing ass). Got to get totally, incredibly drunk with old work mates 2 nights in a row. Got to study.

One thing I have come to realize is the fact that I smoke incredibly much and eat next to nothing. Not good.

Love my new grey pants, though. And my new suspenders.

Life, innit?

The Oath

Life's a little better today. A bit. No panic. Well, a little bit. But nothing I can't control. I'm just worried. Not for myself, though. No, I am a bit worried about myself. Recently I have sort been just a jumble of emotional reactions. I don't know if my reactions and actions are emotional responses or rational actions. I always figured that there was some kind of rationality behind most things I did, but this last month my behavious has been a bit too erratic... I'm sorry for that.

Another problem is the fact that I am so tired of getting buttfucked by people trying to sell me shit. A new phone for 1200:- is a pretty good prize, even though I have to tie myself up to one provider for 2 years (pretty good provider, though). So far so good. It is a good phone. What is not good is that if I don't want to pay the whole phone immediately I have to pay between 600:- and 800:- more for the phone. Pisses me of. Sure, I can afford to pay the whole phone right away, but I don't know what shit will show up in the future. I got a computer that I might have to pay to get repaired. I don't know how much work I'll get come next year. I don't know if I got any unpaid taxes.

And still... 1200:- isn't that much money. I blew like twice that on clothes last week. And I need a new phone, because the one I have... Well, lets just say that if you get a text message from me and there are no P's (or too many) in it it's not because I can't spell (although I have some problems in english. I sometimes get 'too' & 'to', 'were' & 'where' confused), it is because my phone is falling to pieces.

Now I am going to watch Sex & The City and eat chocolate.

Chicken chicken chicken

chicken chicken chicken.

I know I probably should ask a lot of questions, but I'm so afraid of getting to know shit I don't want to know. But I have to ask. If nothing else because of my pride. Not that my pride is worth anything in the grand scheme of things. But it might be worth something after all this. If there is 'anything' after this.

chicken chicken chicken.

It's interesting

how you can go from above to below in such a relative short amount of time.

I wonder if I remember things I've imagined or if I remember hallucinations. Or if I was dreaming.

I don't know what's happening. If I did, maybe I could be a better sport about some of the other shit. But that shit still hurts, even though it shouldn't. Or maybe it should. I don't know. That is the problem.

Well, at least I know what the view is like from this side of the coin. But not really, no.

I had something brilliant I wanted to write here, but I forgot it. Too bad, I guess. I'm just a little bit annoyed, because I think it was important.

Merry Christmas!

Just came back from my folks. Dad turned 52. I'm feeling empty. And detached, somehow. It makes me sad. I don't feel I can relate to my family, or that they can relate to me. What I am basically saying is that it feels like we don't necessarily matter to each other any more. That all we have is history, sort of. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it.

And now everything feels like it is at a distance. Just beyond reach. Exactely everything.

Im sorry. I'm so so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, why I behave and feel like I do right now. And I'm sorry for that. And for me. And what I am.

"How do you spell relief?"

"I get D-R-U-N-K."

You got to love David Allen Coe. Sure, he's a redneck, racist, white trash country singer, but still... Country this full och clichés must be at least admired.

"I don't need no doctor
Tell me what is wrong
I can fill my own perscriptions
And it lasts me all night long
It's the perfect medication
For an ailment such as mine
I forget about the tears I've cried
When the whiskey hits my mind"


The problem is, I don't drink when I'm depressed. I drink when I am happy or bored. Battling depressions with alcohol has never really worked for me. Partly because I become a Sad Pathetic Drunk and partly because being hung over makes me depressed. But I kind of wish that I could be a cool comwboy type just sitting in some joint downing one whiskey after another and then get into a good natured fight or something. But I am a horrible drunk and an even worse fighter. Come to think of it I am very surprised that I don't get beaten up more often, considering how annoying I can be. I obviously hang out at the right places with the right kind of folk. But still... I didn't get beaten up in Belgium and there I defenitely didn't hang with the right crowd and I was REALLY annoying there (and really drunk).

Well well, back to D.A.C. Here's what probably is my favourite.

IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY

IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, IT'LL HAIRLIP THE POPE
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, IT'S A DAMN GOOD JOKE
I'VE SEEN THE GRAND OL' OPRY AND I'VE SEEN JOHNNY CASH
IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS

THE OLD MAN WAS COVERED WITH TATTOOS AND SCARS
HE GOT SOME IN PRISON AND OTHERS IN BARS
THE REST HE GOT WORKIN' ON OLD JUNK CARS - IN THE DAY TIME

THEY LOOKED LIKE TOMBSTONES IN OUR YARD
AND I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM WHEN HE WASN'T TARD - AND MEAN

HE SOLD USED CARS TO MAKE ENDS MEET
COVERED WITH GREASE FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS FEET
CUSSIN' THE SWEAT AND THE TEXAS HEAT - AND MOSQUITERS

AND THE NEIGHBORS SAID WE LIVED LIKE HICKS
BUT THEY BRUNG THEIR CARS FOR PA TO FIX - ANYHOW

HE WAS VETERAN PROUD, TRIED AND TRUE
HE'D FOUGHT 'TIL HIS HEART WAS BLACK AND BLUE
DIDN'T KNOW HOW HE'D MADE IT THROUGH - THE HARD TIMES

HE'D BOUGHT OUR HOUSE ON THE GI BILL
BUT IT WASN'T WORTH ALL HE'D HAD TO KILL - TO GET IT

HE DRANK PEARL IN A CAN AND JACK DANIELS BLACK
CHEWED TOBACCO FROM A MAILPOUCH SACK
HAD AN OLD DOG THAT WAS TRAINED TO ATTACK - SOMETIMES

HE GOT DRUNK AND MEAN AS A RATTLESNAKE
AND THERE WASN'T TOO MUCH THAT HE WOULD TAKE - FROM A STRANGER

THERE WAS 13 KIDS AND A BUNCH OF DOGS
A HOUSE FULL OF CHICKENS AND A YARD FULL OF HOGS
AND I SPENT THE SUMMERTIME CUTTIN' UP WOOD FOR THE WINTER
TRYIN' LIKE THE DEVIL TO FIND THE LORD
WORKIN' LIKE A DEMON FOR MY ROOM AND BOARD
A COAL BURNIN' STOVE, NO NATURAL GAS
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS

MAMA SELLS EGGS AT THE GROCERY STORE
MY OLDEST SISTER IS A FIRST RATE WHORE
DAD SAYS SHE CAN'T COME HOME ANYMORE - AND HE MEANS IT

MA JUST SITS AND KEEPS HER SILENCE
SISTER SHE LEFT 'CAUSE DAD GOT VIOLENT - AND HE KNOWS IT

MAMA SHE'S OLD FAR BEYOND HER TIME
FROM CHOPPIN' TOBACCO AND I'VE SEEN HER CRYIN'
WHEN BLOOD STARTED FLOWIN' FROM HER CALLOUSED HAND - AND IT HURT ME

SHE'D JUST KEEP WORKIN' TRYIN' TO HELP THE OLD MAN
TO THE END OF ONE ROW AND BACK AGAIN - LIKE ALWAYS

SHE'S BEEN THROUGH HELL SINCE JUNIOR WENT TO JAIL
WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT SHE AIN'T NEVER FAILED
TO GET DOWN ON HER KNEES AND PRAY - BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM

TOLD ALL THE NEIGHBORS HE WAS OFF IN THE WAR
FIGHTIN' FOR FREEDOM - HE'S GOOD TO THE CORE - AND SHE'S PROUD

NOW OUR PLACE WAS A GRAVE YARD FOR AUTOMOBILES
AT THE END OF THE PORCH WAS FOUR STACKS OF WHEELS
AND TIRES FOR SALE FOR A DOLLAR OR TWO - CASH

THERE WAS 50 HOLES IN THE OL' TIN ROOF
ME AND MY FAMILY WAS LIVIN' PROOF
OF PEOPLE WHO FORGOT ABOUT POOR WHITE TRASH
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS

I'M THINKIN' TONIGHT OF MY BLUE EYES
CONCERNING THE GREAT SPECKLED BIRD
I DIDN'T KNOW GOD MADE HONKY- TONK ANGELS
AND IF THAT AIN'T COUNTRY, I'LL KISS YOUR ASS


There.

Got a new, just about perfect black leather jacket with white shoulders. Brilliance.

Other news? Spent the night at S's place, and that was nice. Nice to clear your head a bit and just talk about nothing special and spending time with friends. I feel I maybe wasn't really good company, but you can't get everything. The night, however, was spent thinking and trying to sleep on a sofa that was too short. Thinking isn't good.

Fuck it. Got to work. Everything is chaos here.

Grenouille

Just finished watching 'Perfume.' Absolutely insanely good. And beautiful. So beautiful. Even the discusting opening scene was amazingly beautiful. And Grenouille... I think I fell a bit in love with him (please keep in mind that you are dealing with a man who in strange ways admire Carl Panzram). Marvelous. I almost cried during the orgie scene. Especially when the old couple kissed. A bit of lesbo action there, but I only saw one hint of male-on-male. A bit boring. Could have been more dirty male snail munchers going at each other, but I guess you have to please the hypocritical audience a bit.

Strongly recommended. I don't know if I can watch it again, but I have to buy it nevertheless. I need to have it in the collection.

AAAARGH!!!!

Go AWAY! I DO NOT want to discuss Nightwish with you! I don't care if their singers sound different! They both suck! Having long hair does NOT mean that I like every fucking pussy ass band with electric guitars in existance! Especially not if they are from Finland. Beherit and Impaled Nazarene, OK. I'll talk about them all you want, but I do NOT want to talk about that sönderknullade jävla symfonimetalbandet! DRA ÅT HELVETE! And I will most definitely not talk about Within Temptation. Having long hair does not mean that we are friends! I am wearing a Bathory-shirt and a big ass baphomet tattoo all over my arm! Do you sincerely think that I care about fucking fantasy barbie metal? Id does not mean "lets be friends and hug", it means FUCK OFF!!! I mean seriosly. You are over 30. Somewhere along the line one would think that you had developed something called taste.

Whoooo...

God I hate people. If you are going to be an inbred idiot, you don't have to share. I swear, the revolution is not far away.

Otherwise I'm still bouncing between heaven and hell. When I am not alone everything feels fine, but as soon as I am alone I dissapear into myself and I just get scared. I don't know of what. Yeah, I do. But I don't reckon the decisive details of that drama will take place during the 6 hours I am at work. Otherwise... I feel that my issues are pretty much resolved. At least right now. I don't feel bad thinking about them. That feels pretty OK. So I don't know...

I guess there was no way of avoiding any of this (well, there are at least one thing I could have avoided), so I guess I/we will just have to push through. Or something.

Better out than in, I suppose.

I'm going to meet S & J tomorrow. It will be nice. Brilliant women folk. I'm thinking maybe I should spend the night. Don't know if I will feel good doing that. Maybe it will be good for me/us, but I don't know how I feel... Scared, I guess.

I Have Always Been Here Before

Who am I kidding. I have always known him. I just wasn't expecting him here. And now. I thought I'h managed to keep him out of this part of my life, by love and trust. But apparently now. One broke and made a little hole in the damm. And He pushed through and made the hole big, black and ugly. Filled woth rotting, oily black bile pouring out. Rotting, oily black bile that I only half knew existed. Have you seen the cover to "Altars Of Madness"?
I imagine it to look something like this.

You do notice that I am reading too much fantasy and lovecraft, don't you?


Am I making any sense? At all? Every time I try and talk I just end up with an enormous lump of sadness, regrett and hate in my throat and I just can't. In those moments I am absolutely convinced that I cant continue, partly because it is physically impossible and partly because if I do continue nothing good will come out.

I don't know about the hate, though... Maybe it is a lack of hate and anger. Maybe I'm just wishing for there to be hate. Maybe I'm fooling myself. I don't hate. I'm not that angry. Maybe I feel that I should be angry and hatefull. Maybe that is a part of the problem. Some kind of anticipated reaction that I am not having, and not having it makes me worried? Makes me wondering if it is there but hiding? I am trying so hard to always see things from some kind of objective view. Maybe I am not seeing myself? Or maybe there is nothing of myself to see? Maybe I see things right, but society have taught me to see things differently? I don't know.

Being alone screws me up. Too much time on my hands makes the problems grow in my mind. Maybe they should grow. Maybe I don't see them for what they are when I am not alone? But do I see them correctly when I am? I don't know. Right now I only know one thing, and that is how I don't want this to end, but how do I/we get there? I don't know. Right now I don't know anything.

Screw this. Time for coffe and books.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVTN5o9Kgu8

I've been thinking about something. About sex. But first of all I just want to say that these days I don't really trust my thoughts. Too many 'solutions' and stuff might very well be what in swedish is called 'efterkonstruktioner' (if I knew what it was called in english I would have written it, OK?). Something that just fits in very well and feels very true, but might not be.

Anyway, sex. I believe it to be very much about closeness for me. Or that many acts that could be interpreted as purely sexual isn't that sexual. It's about being close. And I believe that to be more or less historically true, too.

I know, it sounds like I'm pretending to be a nice guy. A problem would be (both for me and the, aha, recipient) to know when they are purely sexual and when they are hardly sexual at all.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just... I don't know. I have probably forgot a lot of evidence that point to some kind of opposite.



I was told that someone close to me doesn't know if she knows me (anymore). That I showed her sides she didn't know I had. To an extent she is probably right. I believe there are parts of me that noone knows, hardly even me. I didn't know the part of me I showed her. I know him now, at least a bit. He's trying to befriend me. I call him Nojjan. I don't wan't him in my life. I hardly knew he existed. He's a destroyer. No, sorry. I am. After all, he is me. And I am constantly a little bit paranoid these days (or every other day too, for that matter. Being uncertain about the world, my place in it and peoples relationship to me is nothing new.). I tell him that he really doesn't have a reason to show up, that his existence is not justified. But he doesnt listen. So I just have to make sure he doesn't do any damage, until I can wear him down. Easier said than done, I guess.


And I am more or less paralyzed by fear. I see an option or two, but all I really can see is how taking those options will make everything fall apart. Are we that weak or is it just me?


BTW: I didn't know that Delsin played the gaytar in Billy Idols band back in the day:

A FURORE NORMANORUM LIBERA NOS, DOMINE

Something feels unfinished tonight. And I don't know if it is important or what.

So... Do I forgive too easily? I don't know. Maybe. I can forgive easy. But too easy? Or "too" is the wrong word. I just feel like... Like I could hold a grudge if I chose to do it. But I don't. Because I don't feel that much anger. But should I?

I don't know... Or am I too trusting? Or don't I have any feelings regarding myself? I'm a total fucking mess.

Got new gear today. Blew a gigantic hole in my wallet, but I guess it might be worth it. I think I should find some new shoes to. With any luck I will have a great looking leather jacket within the end of the week.

And the christian kitsch is reaching new heights. Wonderful.

Blind

I feel so fucking nervous right now. It's like ants under my skin. Itches itches itches. And crippling fear. I am constantly on the verge of throwing up. Or breaking down.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do it either.

It was nice meeting up with Suzie Q yesterday. Got a bit too drunk maybe. But I got alot of my chest. And I think she did to. I have always doubted if I really have real friends, but I am starting to suspect that I actually really do have them.

Black Winter Day

Now, this song is about Vinnie Paz and his life. I love it. Have loved it since the album came out. Always made me cry (not something that hip hop is good at). And the lines below really jumped in to my head. The song in itself have very little to do with me, but the sentiment in it feels very close to me. And always has (yes, I know it was released a year ago).

The "video" is total shit. But hey. It's there at least.

"And the truth is that I'd rather be alone now
I'd rather not have to deal with the day"

"I don't wanna be a burden to y'all
I just wanna know exactly what my purpose is for
I feel like nothin' I do is ever right
And that I'm actin' a fool another night"


Other news: I fucked up at work yesterday + forgot my mobile at work and that fucked things up even more. Plus the phonelessness lead to me being a bit on the tardy side for work today. NOT appreciated. I seem to fuck up once every month. Fuck.

These videos rocks my cradle at the moment. Mainly because of the facial hair (I gotta get me some manly facial hair one of these days.) and the asses. Really funny asses. What was he thinking? The middle one is mainly for nostalgia. A song I have loved for 10 years and never gotten tired of. Kind of sad in one way.

Godess

It is very strange that the new Kylie album reminds me of 'Mechanical Animals'era Marilyn Manson. But it is a pretty good album, actually. She's done better, but hey... Who hasn't.

My money should come in on monday. I wish they could have come so much earlier.

I'm desperately trying not to use this blog. But it is hard.

"This Is Not Your Country.

It never was.
It never will be."

-Grey Wolves


I can't concentrate. On anything. I got massive amounts of studying to do, but I can't. I can't listen to music. I can't watch TV. I just walk around. Nothing happens. But it never stops. Can't stay in one place for more than a couple of minutes, bot physically and mentally.

My mind is all fogged up. I feel like my head is filled with milky, warm tea with lots of honey in it. Thick, sticky, sweaty, warm, non transparent liquid.

I had a bit of a chat today. Felt nice. Not because it changed anything, really. But it is nice to know people cares. Even though I don't deserve it. Especially not with this person.

I feel hopeful at times. And then I remember. And sometimes I can pretend it all is like it should be. And it feels so nice. So bittersweet. And then it becomes worse.

Everyting is goodbye.

AGAINST

I spent a lot of time outside today. It was raining. Quite cold. Made me feel alive. Stockholms is so grey and dreary now. People shuffling about. Noone smiling. Homeless people trying to keep dry and warm. People smelling like wet dogs, dripping. In the way.

Ain't nothing out there for me. Never was. Never is. Thought ther might be, once. Belong. Nice to have illusions. Against the world (once) Like a pack of wolves. Proud. Fierce. Independant. No (.) sheep. Against. Against against against.

Weak. Too weak. Everything. Weak. Everywhere.

Point? What?

In the dark. Everyone? Everywhere.


I wish for pain. All day I have wished for pain.
Physical manifestation. Punishment? Sacrifice. Sacrifice.

Blind. Interesting. Always been, but you don't see it until you see. And I am talking generally here. Why can't I see when I have to?

Cowardice. Fear. Guilt. I should be slapped.

Everything is goodbye.

Not a part. Of this or of everything. Noone opens.


And on a stranger note, sex has become very important. Not the act, but the thought. Not so strange really. But none of your business.

I feel a great sadness

because I might be alone soon. It makes me very sad. Everything else comes second. And I am not really good at cheering myself up when I am alone. Fortunately I think I managed to bury the monster that showed up some nights ago (ie jealousy), so it is not that that bothers me. That is just like a little itch. It annoys me a bit at times, but it is something I will live with.

I am just sad. Because I don't know how this will end.

And I can't concentrate at all right now.


God, I am pathetic. I am actually listening to Sheryl Crow right now.

3-2-1-boom

Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of autodestruct mechanism in my head. Or maybe stupidity is Gods way of keeping me (somewhat) honest, if you catch my drift.


On another note: I am both very glad and ashamed of being a man. I am glad because it makes life easy. Easier than being a woman. My worries are of another sort. I might get beat up, but I won't be raped. Sure, I am always prepared to stand my ground if it comes to that and that is in many ways a stupid macho reflex. A lot of my time is spent on thoughts of respect. Of respect among men. It's stupid, because I don't really care for that sort of men. But somehow I need it. It is class related in some ways, I thi8nk.

And I am ahsamed because it is so easy. It is so easy for me to get away with shit if I want to. Serious shit. Because I am male. And I just become ashamed over a world where I am not even expected to take any responibility for my 'natural' (or natural. Read my post about Hobbes to see what I mean) urges and drives.

And I am ashamed of myself, because I use that way out at times. I really really try not to go for that cheap cop out, but sometimes I do. And some of the behavious lies really deep, you know?
And I am ashamed of the fact that I sometimes feel proud for being such a 'nice guy', you know ('nice' is not using the easy way out and stuff like that)? Totally self righteous.

And to top this shit I sometimes catch myself feeling like a good guy for having the common decency to feel bad when I feel proud of being a nice guy. You wanna join my mindfuck? ;)

Dawn

I just realized something.
This fall you haven't noticed me.
You don't listen when I speak.
You don't remember things I have told you (granted, you have always had a bit of selective memory).
You haven't noticed what I've done to you (as you yourself confessed yesterday), or maybe for you are better words. Not that I did a lot, or enough. I just did more than usually.


And to think that I was actually thinking that we where moving forwards in some areas.

I'm not being fair now, I know.


A notice to you who might be following this blog. You can comment now, if you would like, for some reason. Also, I am at the moment saving up some enormous buckets of soul bile in the drafts section. One day they might be here. Or they might not. Let me know if you might want them or see them or whatever. Or don't.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Is kind of cowardly.



I don't like me right now. I'm so paranoid, I could run the KGB. I'm ashamed of myself. Sometimes I don't know what my limits are, when push comes to shove.

Everything is a last goodbye. It feels like it.

'Allo 'allo 'emliga armén.

About 3 to 4 minutes in...

"It used to be more humourous because in england the second world war was highly humourous, and nazis especially, up until the anti nazi thing came along and it suddenly became not alowed to take the mick out of nazis somehow, because if you where, it meant you where one."

-Billy Childish



Too fucking true. Idiots and assholes everywhere.

And also totally brilliant when he divides the western world in to people making cappuccinos and people drinking it.

Perhaps Premature

refering back to earlier posts...

"...There is no morality that alone makes moral, and every ethic that affirms itself exclusively kills too much good strength and costs humanity too dearly."

F. Nietzsche - The Dawn, Aphorism 164


Stole the whole shebang from Indy. Check it out.

White Punks On Hope

They said that we were trash,
Well the name is Crass, not Clash.
They can stuff their punk credentials
Cause it's them that take the cash.
They won't change nothing with their fashionable talk,
All their RAR badges and their protest walk,
Thousands of white men standing in a park,
Objecting to racism's like a candle in the dark.
Black man's got his problems and his way to deal with it,
So don't fool yourself you're helping with your white liberal shit.
If you care to take a closer look at the way things really stand,
You'd see we're all just niggers to the rulers of this land.

Punk was once an answer to years of crap,
A way of saying no where we'd always said yep.
But the moment we saw a way to be free,
They invented a dividing line, street credibility.
The qualifying factors are politics and class,
Left wing macho street fighters willing to kick arse.
They said because of racism they'd come out on the street.
It was just a form of fascism for the socialist elite.
Bigotry and blindness, a marxist con,
Another clever trick to keep us all in line.
Neat little labels to keep us all apart,
To keep us all divided when the troubles start.

Pogo on a nazi, spit upon a jew,
Vicious mindless violence that offers nothing new.
Left wing violence, right wing violence, all seems much the same,
Bully boys out fighting, it's just the same old game.
Boring fucking politics that'll get us all shot,
Left wing, right wing, you can stuff the lot.
Keep your petty prejudice, I don't see the point,
ANARCHY AND FREEDOM IS WHAT I WANT!

By: Crass


I have never been a great Crass-fan. Their politics might have been something 30 years ago, but it has all become stale now. Plus they really remind me of all those 'holier than thou'-crusties. But this song... It is brilliant. The lyrics are brilliant. It really says something about the autonomous left and the antifa of today. They are gangs, who think that they fight for the working class. But they are just gangs, like all other gangs. If i remember correctly the Crips is an offshoot of the Black Panthers. It is just like that. The antifa look out for the antifa and imagine that that is the same thing as looking out for the working class (but you'll let the working class end up in the middle when you show your power). They are not fighting for a political vision (and they are very clear about that), they are fighting for their material gains here and now. And without the vision, that means nothing. So they mean nothing. Nothing more than "bully boys out fighting, it's just the same old game." One more gang to be scared of, one more group who think they have the right to have opinions about me.

Give it 15 years with the same lame ass nazis that we have now ('coz once there was a real reason for a violent antifa) and we'll see how political the movement is. It is all starting to look like Bandidos vs Hells Angels, and can someone really spot the difference between tose groups (apart from the vests, that is)? Yet, they are there as a reaction to eachother.

Anyone who thinks that violence is nothing but a last resort can fuck off. These people are against american foreign policy, but act just like the Bush-administration. Not just preventive strikes (like hitting someone before they hit you) but preemptive strikes (hitting someone so they don't dare hit you) seems to be perfectly acceptable. As long as you don't do it under an american flag.

No, now I got to go back to my bible studies.

Smithereens.

Some days... This has been maybe one of the shitties days for a long long time. And this autumn haven't been that good. Apart from the fact that I am panicing about my fucking essay that's due monday (about 10 pages to be handed in. Written = 0.) my computer is broken. So I handed it in like 2 weeks ago, after trying all the things I could do, including erasing everything and starting fresh. Didn't work. Still wont start. So I figured I'd let the pros do it. They drop me an e-mail and says "it's fixed, but since it was a software problem, the guarantee wont cover it. You owe us 813 SEK." That's a bit juicy, considering all they did was reinsall the OS, but what the hell. I need the computer and it is not like it was a secret that I might end up paying for it. So I go to InLife and get the computer. Ask the what was wrong. They don't know. But it is fixed. "Ok" I say and pay up. Whatever. I guess they know what they are doing. After all, I pay them enough. So I go out to the university to study (and I fuck that shit up to) and after a couple of hours I feel like taking a brake so I reckon I'll play around with the computer for a while.

So.

I press the start button.

And.

The same problem I had from before I handed it in to InLife is still there. It won't start properly. It makes the little start up noise, and then nothing. Just blue screen. FOR HOURS.

Fucking idiots.


OK, 2 possibilites.

1) They are idiots and some fucking mouthbreathing idiot figured that you don't have to test the computer after you fixed it to see if you actually fixed it. Especially since the report I left said "re-installed OS SEVERAL times." In Mac nerd that probably means "I don't have to do my job" or something.

2) They didn't fix it. The didn't even try. They are trying to squeeze all my money from me. The did a damage search for it (in Mac Nerd that means looking at it and saying "yup, it's broken. That'll be 800 SEK, thank you very much."), but nothing else, so now I have to go back and they'll do another damage search. And I'll have to pay for that. And THEN they will do the repairs.

If it is option 2, I swear I will kill someone.

I don't know if it is ZOG or the freemasons, but someone is out to get me.

I did a joke like that today, actually. Said that I thought that Zion was after me. Didn't get that good of a reaction. So I said "or maybe it is the freemasons", and people said (together) "oh, it's the masons. Hahaha." That's so nice of you. Really nice. Being all shocked because I make a silly joke about a stupid conspiracy theory about one religious group that was mass murdered by the nazis, but acting all relieved when I give you the option to think the same thing about another religious group that was being mass murdered by the nazis. So PC of you.

If I ever start a band, our first T-shirt slogan will be "Always Political - Always Incorrect." Or maybe 'uncorrect'.

Hybridization, syncretisation, bastardization

Subcultures are interesting. Especially these days, from my perspective. I don't know if I'm leaving the whole thing or if I'm just leaving one to embrace severla others. Or if I'm leaving anything. I have kept it remarkably clean, I think. And there is not much I wear these days that I would not have worn 5 years ago.

I don't know... You used to go to a gig and try to wear the most 'true' shirt there was. The you started to wear shirts that where 'wrong' (i.e. punk shirts) to show some distance (and metal shirt at punk gigs). Now I don't know... I would like to wear like Genocide Organ-shirts or Grey Wolves-shirts or Con-Dom-shirts or TG-shirts or something like that, but I really think that would just go right over peoples heads. Totally pointless, because the point is not that people should think you are a nazi but that they should think.

So I am really really happy with the redbluewhite-stripesquarey Lee western shirt I just got because it looks awesome and it means I really don't have to deal with the issue mentioned above.

Me and Julius discussed things like this once. About not liking people who treats their subcultural life as some sort of hobby. You know what I mean? People restricting their life to only incorporate their subculture. People who choose clothes based on if it looks 'metal' enough instead of choosing them based on personal taste. People who maybe just should stay at home and collect stamps instead. It is your life. Live it, don't fake it.

Don't get me wrong. I have the greatest respect for people who really belong to a subculture (as for example the guys in Nifelheim), but in those cases it is just as much a case of fitting other interests in to the culture as it is of doing it right. The things they do more or less become automatically metal because they are the ones doing it. Like L. Just about everything about everything she does is 'goth' (actually, she makes it bigger than that and it is almost a case of Weberian ideal types) in one way or the other, because that is how she does it. It could be no other way. It is not a case of trying to be right and trying to follow the rules. It is a case of being right because it is you and being the rules, more or less.

I don't know how else to explain it. Some people try to be it and try to tell people what the rules are. They try to adapt themselves to their culture. Other people just can't do wrong because that's the way they are. They are just right. Or they make the deviances work for them. And others (and that's where I'm going, I think) just try to steal the parts we like and use them with or without (preferebly without, I think) the proper context. Hybridization, syncretisation, bastardization. I've always had more respect and love for mongrels and scavengers than I've had for pure breed prize winning champions.


Did I make up a new word there?

bet you didn't see this one coming.

Not Your Average Harry Potter Quiz created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Hagrid Hagrid is wise and kind. He's huge, but inside he's just a big teddy bear with a soft spot for animals and a certain French female giantess. That said, he can kick ass, and he's served time in Azkaban, so he's no wuss. Hagrid 83% Hermoine 67% Luna Lovegood 67% Severus Snape 67% Harry Potter 58% Dumbledore 58% Sirius Black 50% Ron 50% Fred and George 42% Remus Lupin 42% Tonks 42% Draco Malfoy 25% Neville Longbottom 17%

Happy happy happy

Feeling quite good today. A whole lot of things are towering over me, but it feels OK.

Turned my computer in for service. It really chose the right month to break down in, since I got to start writing an essay really soon. But it will work out.

Still don't know when I'll get my money. Bummer. And my paycheck doesn't show up until next monday. Bummer.

But it feels OK. It probably won't feel this OK tomorrow, but it does now.

I'm thinking about writing a little piece about what's wrong with liberals, or more precise, neo-liberals. It will deal a lot with the subject of rationality and starting in the right end.

I'm still really intrigued by skinhead aestethics, but I have a hard time with the culture. Traditionalistic, elitistic, stuffy, macho, pointlessly violent, conservative, fetishistic. It's a museum culture. Plus I hate ska and reggae, and most oi! is really wimpy, melodic stuff. Not cool at all.
But it looks so good. I wish I was gay, so I could be a gay skin.

And I need more tattoos. I want to finish my arms and do something on my chest.
GIVE ME MONEY! I reckon about 30-40 000 SEK would cover both my arms.

Manic Depression

It's one of those days, you know? I try to keep it at bay. Try to think happy thoughts, or think about something else, do something else... Maybe EAT something to get some energy (I tend to get a bit depressed when my blood sugar is low). But not today. Doesn't work. Just some kind of hole opening up in front of me. And fittingly enough, I am at work. Great, splendid etc. I am out of here in 1.5 h, but then I got a fucking train ride home, and I am not looking forward to that.

It is very interesting how it is always the little things that destroys me. Little, pesky shit.

Maybe Prague was too good or something and now all the shit I should have felt comes all at once? Or maybe it's just me who has been a jerk and brought this on myself? Quite possible. I know that if some of the small things had not happend I would probably worry about something else.

If I could stay in my appartment for the rest of my life, I think I would. Just stay there with my cats and books and movies and records and not talk about it. Because talking about it just makes me feel even worse. It makes me feel just the same + shame, so no thanks.

But life is not so bad. Just gotta collect some debts, read some books, ant tidy up a bit. Then it will be alright.

On a lighter note, the Siebensünden/Teratologen-album is magnificent. They have to keep on collaborating.
Drop Dead Prague was maybe the most awesome time I have had in a long long time. I understand there has been talk about having it in Sweden the next time. I am not really in favour of that idea. If it was in Stockholm it would be great for me (since I live there), but Stockholm is an expensive city to be a tourist in. Part of the fun in Prague was you could drink your head of every night and still have money left to buy CDs, shirts and food on the way home. You could eat really good food really cheap. That ain't gonna happen in Sweden. I would prefer Tallin or Riga. Or maybe even Portugal. Preferebly not Poland. Too many catholics.

Achtung!

You are Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels You are a loyal friend and a skilled speaker. You would support your Fuhrer even at the cost of your life and the lives of your wife and beautiful children. You are definitely a bastard. [ find out which Nazi Bastard you are ]

Love

Religions and religious people tend to talk about love. About God loving us (yeah, the holocaust was really loving.). Or they tend to talk about som other GREAT SPIRIT that loves us or is love or that the "natural state of mankind" is peace, love and understanding.

Bullshit.

There is no such thing as love. Love is something we have made up, because without it the world would just be to horrible. Just like god. A world without a loving god and without love... That is horrific, isn't it?

Now, what I mean when I say that there is no such thing as love is not that you (and I) are mistaken when we feel strongly about our parents or our partners or our sibling or whatever. It is that it is a construct. It is my belief that love is at it's base fear and dependency. You love someone because somehow your life is made easier by that person. You depend on that person and you fear the loss of that person and of that dependency. So far it is natural. But things get complicated when you look at the fact that humans are not instinctive, but social and cultural animals. The feelings of fear and dependency we have will not stay simple and instinctive. They will get complicated by our culture and our social lifes.

And then... We make up LOVE. Because we are smart. And stupid. And so very very afraid.


I love my cats. But I doubt they love me back. I have no doubt they are very fond of me. After all, I give them food, security, cuddling etc. But love... No.

But then again... Isn't that what love is, and what love is about? Haven't we maybe destroyed and polluted the concept with shitty rom-coms, sappy love songs and such? Hasn't love been destroyed? Do you actually think that Mr. Right is out there? The woman of your dreams? That there is someone out there that you are meant to be with? Because that is not true, you do know that?


And still... There is something about it that really puzzles me.

But more about that another time.

On a more musical note: everybody MUST check out Siebensünden. They don't have a homepage (that works) but they sell their stuff via I Hate Records and Pas-83. And their latest release is an album/EP with the lyrics written by Nikanor Teratologen (if you can't read swedish that is really your loss because that man is a dirty disgusting mighty-as-the-eagle literary genious. But he's only published in swedish.)! But the music is really good, although the vocals put me of a bit. They take some getting used to.

On other news, Nifelheims new album should be out within a month or two and it is of course the most brilliant black metal release since the last Nifelheim album.

Darkness/Light/Darkness

-Jan Svankmajer - tma/svetlo/tma

Battlestar Galactica

Just watched an episode of the above mentioned series (S03E01) and just came to think about how well it reflects the plight of the palestinian people. And the iraqi for that matter. I'm obviously not the first one to do that connection. But it is still interesting that a show so obviously in the american/anglosaxon sphere of influence can choose a so specific side...

Ms. Anthropy

You Are 63% Misanthropic

Here's the truth: Most people suck. You are just lucky enough to know it. You're not ready to go live alone in a cave - but you're getting there.

How Misanthropic Are You?

Not as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe there is some hope for me?

Eff Off

I'm sad at the moment. Not for any real specific reason, like a death or something. But this world makes me sad. People make me sad. Not any specifik persons. Just people. Humanity.

This is sad. Pathetic. Shit.

Lumpenproletariat

"...the term refers to the 'refuse of all classes,' including 'swindlers, confidence tricksters, brothel-keepers, rag-and-bone merchants, organ-grinders, beggars, and other flotsam of society.'"

-Wikipedia & Marx


As you can see, the lumpenproletariat is not considered that great by Marx, or traditionally by Marxists. They are those who are outside the system, who are withouth traditional means of emplyoment. It is referred to as a "dangerous class" by Marx, not likely to be productive in the revolution. A conservative class, a class just as (or more) likely to align with the bourgoisie as with the working class. And why not? Marx & marxist have a way of really neatly explaining away contradictions in the ideology*, such as the revolutionary stance of the working class.

Among communist revolutionarys the working glass is often viewed as something inherently revolutionary. The working class is always revolutionary. A drive for revolution is a part of being working class. But how do you then explain the lack of communist revolutions in the world? After all, the working class exists everywhere. It is because the working class is being misled, you see. It is being fooled by the bourgoisie.

Now, I would say that if the working class is being misled into not being revolutionary it isn't revolutionary. But that don't really fit in with the communist/marxist world view. I would say that being workin class is being conservative, wanting things NOT to change. Out of fear, if nothing else. Why do you think Oi! (evolved out of the working class + punk) has not changed in almost 30 years, while many other forms of punk (a middle class phenomenon) has continued to evolve (in many cases evolved in to totally different genres)? Sure, all the Discharge clones can be pretty boring, but that is a very special case and a very special band. And still, they manage to either do something of their own or they rip Discharge so incredibly good that you know they do it as a specific tribute to a specific band. Another example: Sex Pistols vs. Public Image Limited. Get it?

And the lumpenproletariat... Once again, a piece of the working class that doesn't behave like it should. Therefore it is not a real part of the workin class. The working class is what the marxist decide are the working class. Simply because they, in their romantic mist, don't see the need of destroying the working class. The steps towards a revolutionary society does not include putting the working class on the top of the pyramid. The working class has (as has all people) been contiuously bred to stupidity, fed with fear and hate. The know that if things change, they will change towards the worst. Thats what it means to be working class. But not for the commies. The definition of lumpenproletariat is "those that don't fit."

The working class must be destroyed. ALL CLASSES MUST BE DESTROYED. IT IS A VICIOUS SYMBIOT, THIS SOCIETY. One cannot function without the two others. The must all burn, they must all be purged.

But for now, I can at least romanticise the outlaws, vagabonds and at least potentially free and rebellious spirits of the lumpenproletariat. Sure, their bodies are in worse dangers than mine. The may die, be beaten, used and abused, but their minds and spirits are left to their own accord to a much larger extent. I appreciate that. In my dealings with criminals (not that it happens that often) and other 'outsiders' I see a free will and an uncovered eye about what this society really is than I do in my dealings with representatives of the class system.

Marx called them "the refuse of all classes" and meant it as a derogatory term. I see it as something positive. To be refused by the classes it to be cast out for refusing to be a slave.

You are at the bottom. You have been put at the bottom because the rickety pyramid ahead of won't hold with you in it. You have a choice. Set the pyramid ablaze or build a new pyramid. Both are totally acceptable. Both are good. But you must choose, and you must see. You cannot live in the shadow and in the sewers of this tower of Babel any longer. It must burn or be deserted.





* don't get me wrong. I am a big fan of Marx and of socialism. Marx was a genious. But he wasn't right all of the time. And I should also state that several contemporary marxists use the word lumpenproletariat as simply a description of people outside the wage-labor system.

Kali Yuga

”O Kali, thou art fond of cremation grounds
So I have turned my heart into one, that thou
may dance there unceasingly.
O mother, I have no other fond desire in my
heart. Fire of a funeral pyre is burning there.”

-Ramprasad Sen




And before anyone gets any silly ideas, I know the goddess Kali has nothing to do with the demon Kali and the Kali Yuga but the linguistic confusion is quite apt, and if one where so inclined it could point one in to quite a new and interesting direction.*


* Kali (the goddess) and Kali (the demon) are two unrelated words in sanskrit meaning two different things and pronounced quite differently. More info in the links provided above.

Sleepless Death

This night didn't work out any better. My mind wouldn't stop spinning around. The nights topics was quite constructive, though (mainly it dealth with how to combine and justify the many different influences and elements my little life philosophy (a philosophy who seem to creep in to everything I do, lately. So it's kind of important that I do find justification for it all and also that I find som sort of center, some sort of schwerpunkt.) is made up of.). Still, I don't have time for that. Would have loved to fall asleep and be able to get up early instead of falling asleep really late, sleeping unsteadily and manage to oversleep my own deadline, but that didn't happen. So now I am here. In the evening. And I have done abolutely nothing constructive with this shit.

God, I got to get my act together. This stuff is due monday, and I'm working friday and saturday so I don't exactely have that much time left, now do I?

I'm so worried all this will crumble down over me.

Don't got time for this. There is work to be done! Cry havoc and let lose the dogs of war!

Deathless Sleep

I can't sleep properly. If I go to bed and I am not totally exhausted I wont fall to sleep. At least not at night, when I am supposed to sleep.

Thoughts. Pop up all the time. Quite a lot of violent thoughts. I hate bullies. Worst thing in the world. And these thoughts make it even harder to fall asleep. And then I think about other things to, of course. The don't help out that much either. Even when they are not worries of sime kind, or just worries of a general kind (the weight of the world etc.), the fuck me up. Totally worthless.

I hope tonight works out better. Forced myself to get up a bit earlier. Feeling really bad right now. Tired. The body hearts. My neck feel like it's made of broken twigs stapeled together. Still, though... Have to finish this question before I go to sleep. Should work out alright. Just basically got to find quotations to back up what I'm saying.

The Grey Wolves are really amazing right now. Noise, but not so extreme that it hurts. Noise, but not stale and boring. And they got an agenda. An agenda that I really can empathize with. You know the score.

God, if I just had a different economic situation I would contact them right away and ask if I could do some merchandise for them. Just a really limited run. It would be so brilliant.

"and this one time, at band camp..."

Kinda feel like her some times... Never mind.

The forum I was talking about is up and running again, but all the old material is gone. Sad. But a bit catharctic.

Muthafucka!

My favourit internet forum has been banned. It no longer exists. Oh, the angst!





Seriously. I feel really bad. It was a great place.



Anyways. Seems like I've cleared up a lot of time for studying now.



And Death In June really rules supreme right now. More than before, actually. And it's really fun reading about people reactions to Douglas P.'s artistic adventure. Maybe taking an active artistic stance against fascism when using fascist symbolics ain't that interesting from an artistic view point. Makes the art kind of meaningless, and the project kind of pointless.

Anyways. Eff Off.

Philosophy, once again...

Did the same test I did ages ago, but I got a better score, meaning Anal Rand ended up after Freddie N. Unfortunately Hobbes ended up quite low, but I can live with that. Spinoza and Sartre ended up high and thats nice. I have quite a lot of respect for those gentlemen. I don't understand why the stoics and Aristotle got 85% and 72%, though...


1. Jean-Paul Sartre (100%)
2. Stoics (85%)
3. David Hume (84%)
4. Spinoza (74%)
5. Nietzsche (73%)
6. Aristotle (72%)
7. Kant (70%)
8. Aquinas (67%)
9. Epicureans (61%)
10. Ayn Rand (59%)
11. St. Augustine (58%)
12. John Stuart Mill (51%)
13. Ockham (50%)
14. Nel Noddings (49%)
15. Thomas Hobbes (49%)
16. Cynics (48%)
17. Jeremy Bentham (48%)
18. Plato (47%)
19. Prescriptivism (26%)

Centerextremism

Apparently, I am a marxist (according to the PoliticsForum Quiz 2.0 ) To be more specific, what they had to say about me is this:

Overall, the PoliticsForum quiz considers you a internationalist, non-absolutist, controlled-market kind of person, who also seems quite Marxist.

These characteristics would put you in the overall category of Marxist.

Actually always thought of myself as more of an anarchist. One thing that made me pissed of about myself is that I seem very "neither more nor less" this-and-that. That's kind of chicken. Just do the test and you'll understand.


I also did a Moral Politics-quiz and ended up like this:


Your Score

Your scored -4.5 on the Moral Order axis and 5.5 on the Moral Rules axis. (Thats in the top left corner.).


The following items best match your score:

1. System: Socialism
2. Variation: Extreme Socialism
3. Ideologies: International Socialism
4. US Parties: No match.
5. Presidents: Jimmy Carter (75.59%)
6. 2004 Election Candidates: Ralph Nader (79.04%), John Kerry (66.20%), George W. Bush (37.42%)

And this is how I ended up with the Political Compass-quiz (Economic Left/Right: -8.12, Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -6.31)


Quite the pinko. Not that surprising, but marxist? I'd imagine that I had a bit more of a brown/blackshirt pair of balls than this. But hey, you can't get everyting. Feels pretty good to know that it's just a fascination of aestethics. The whole anti-capitalism stance with the far right, extreme national(social)ism and National Bolshevism gets you confused at times... I guess the only thing that makes us different is the ethnic, chauvinistic and nationalistic aspect.

And on a side note, for eventual swedish fans (I don't know if anyone is even reading this and to be quite frank (you can be ernest) I don't give a toss): Jag hatar ordbögeri, vilken sida ordbögen än står på. Om man känner att det är viktigare att verka klyftig än att faktiskt förmedla kunskap så känns innehavet av en blogg som propagandavapen ganska korkad. Tro det eller ej, men jag hatar fanimej elitism. Nevertheless, it's quite interesting reading, eventhough it reminds me a whole lote of the reviews over at anus.com. Take it anyway you like.

c'mon

Chill a bit. I know you ain't like that, really. But it hurts me that you try. So I try back, I guess.

Coffee & Cigarettes

No cigarettes. But a bit to much coffee.

Gotta write 3,5 pages about shit I have hardly read 'til tomorrow. Whoopifuckindo.

didn't get accepted to the university program I had applied for. Got some nice advice, though. Helpful lot, more or less.

Will be going to my first class in religious history in 2 hours. I don't know... From what I have heard I should have a pretty easy time there after reading history. Rumours has it, they are playing a bit more fast and loose there. History is anything but fast and loose. At least not for being a theoretical, humanistic subjects.

Well, gotta continue with this essay-thingy.

God, I wanna get drunk.

Bellum Omnium Contra Omnes

This have been an incredibly shitty day with two higlights: perfect cappuccinos and Thomas Hobbes.

Now, I have never really cared for Hobbes earlier. His system has always seemed totally opposite mine. He wants subjects to authoritys to never rebel and to always accept the cards they are dealt. Those in power have absolute power and therefore has the right to do what the want to do. Not my thing. I think rebellion is important. I think rebellion should always be at the heart of what you do. Well maybe not rebellion, but at least a keen sense of anti-authoritarianism and a ability to think for yourself. Obviously, at first glance we don't mix.

But.

"Bellum omnium contra omnes."

It means "the war of all against all" and is the description that Hobbes gives to human existence in the state of nature, i.e. what we are really like, when we have no (created) civilization or state watching over us. Because if there is one thing that annoys the shit out of me it is people that takes about "nature" as something positive, as something we should strive for. And sure, I think there are many ways that nature is to prefer, since we after all are animals and have very base instincts that we need to understand and sometimes use and appreciate. BUT: I am very careful about nature, and especially "nature." "Nature" usually ain't as natural as people think it is. Nature (but for some reason "nature" doesn't seem to be, if you listen to it's acolytes.) is an ugly and hostile place. You want things to be more natural? Abolish every law ever written. Legalize rape, theft, murder and incest because you know what? It's perfectly natural.

And Hobbes realized this, I think. He realized that all societys are a form of contract where we give up some of our freedoms (the freedoms to rape, murder and steal) in order to be protected from violence (and, in my book other forms of oppression as well.).

Everything but our base lusts and instincts are constructs to protect us from our base lusts and instincts.

In other news, I have for some reason become quite fond of Maniacs (ex-Mayhem) new band Skitliv. Mad and insane doom/black metal. And I really enjoy his fucked up tattoos.


Addendum I: Oh, and for our basic instincts and urges I think they are basically this: Eath, Shit, Fuck, Kill, Dominate and to be dominated. If you strip everything from us, if you take us back to before we where even cavemen, thats what you have. A flock minded, sex crazed killing machine with dreams of power.

Addendum II: Swedish readers should check this blog. He's obviously a liberal, but hey. You can't get everything. Anyway, his idea is somehow related to my own. So check it out.

Solve Et Coagula

I don't appreciate fuckers who is so proud of reading much. Yeah, sure. You know a lot about symbolism and shit. You can quote the bible or whatever. Nice for you.

But.

Do you have any thoughts of your own?

The thing that mostly tells shitheads like that appart from people who are intelligent and intellectual is the need for the former group to show ther "knowledge". God know I am no saint in that department, but hey...

Don't get it.

I don't understand my application for the university. I'm only allowed to say "yes" to courses for 240 points, but the one that I want to read (and might have been accepted to) is 270 points...

I'm getting so bored with all this bureocratic shit. On he other hand, I don't want to do anything else than study right now.

Fuck! Who'd think it? That I would fail on the the exam question where I really worked hard, but I'd pass on the one where I didn't even read the litterature properly?

And I got to take another exam again in just a couple of weeks but my work wont give me time of to study. Fuckers.

Yeah... Worthless.

Gotta go to work now. I am starting to fucking hate it. For real. I just go there and I feel my soul dying. But it pays quite ok. And I'm good at it. It's just, it used to be fun.

Saw "Letters From Iwo Jima" last night. Really great. See it.

Quetzalcoatl

Just saw Apocalypto. I don't know. The evil injuns where cool. Also the only ones with some depth. Lots of cool scarifications and tattos and shit.

Don't know if it's me or Mel Gibson, but it felt a bit too christian. You know, prophecies and then spaniards and priests showing up in the end. Not that the spaniards where portraid in a positive way (or in any way for that matter). But I don't know... I'm a bit of a sceptic. Felt like there was a lot of surface but not a lot beneath it.

Still, it's an ok movie.

The World Is My Oyster

I hate oysters.

Feeling a bit blue today. Miss my family. Spent almost a week with them and it was wonderful. Wish I could do it more often. Mostly I wish we lived closer to each other.

I don't know what will happen this fall. Don't know what will happen with school. Don't know what will happen with work. I'm worried.

It will work out. Some how. It always does. I mean, just look at my friend J. There's a man who really should be down and out but always manage to land on his feet (always! I'm amazed.). So it will work itself out. But still. I'm worried. Pain and shit is a part of life and I know that there will most likely be some heavy shit in the future. And it worries me. It all worries me. My gut instinct is to run away from it, to hide from it. But that would go against of a lot of what I stand for. But I am really not a fighter. I don't like challenges. I'm not that sort of person. And that pains me more than anything.

Just the normal pathetic whining you hear from me about once a month. But that is what the internet is for, isn't it?

Watching Hellboy right now. I'm getting a hard on by all the nazi kitsch. Gotta write something about that some day.

Estetik

Recommended essay about metal shirts and their subcultural importance. I agree with the most point, although the situation in Sweden is obviously different to the one in the US.

The Wind That Shakes The Barley

"If you remove the British Army tomorrow and hoist the green flag over Dublin Castle; unless you organize a socialist republic, all your efforts will be in vain and England will still rule you through our (your? their?) landlords, capitalist and commersial institutions."

Supposedly uttered by James Connolly, 1913.

Still rings true, although the situation is different and the oppressor not as clear.

Birthday Party

Got:

2 pairs of boxer shirts. Black & Grey stripes.
1 The Cramps-shirt in excellent size and style.
1 Pocket book cover (pink and with "Bible" written all over the front).
1 Gift Certificate á 500:- at adlibris.
1 Clone-A-Willy.
1 100:- bill.
1 copy of Låt Den Rätte Komma In (brilliant swedish horror.).
1 Cigarette Case in shape of a coffin.
1 pair of Nazi styled riding trousers.
1 beer.

and the pleasure and honour of spending time with friends and loved ones.


Just to bad that some was feeling to bad to show up. As always, my heart goes out to you. Talk to you soon. (ohmygodthecheesehasnoend!)

Hope i didn't forget anyone or anything.

Feyyadin

It seems that I might be wrong about the events in Britain. Seems like al-Qaida might have been involved anyway. They sure is getting sloppy.

On a side note: 9/11.
People say that it is an impossibility that it was an inside job/false flag-operation, because if you conducted an operation that large information would have to leak out.

1.Basic Black Ops.-knowledge is that everyone is on a 'need to know'-basis. I seriously doubt that all the 19 involved terrorists knew of each other. Hell, I doubt Mohammed Atta knew about the whole scope of the operation. What this means is basically that the available information that could leak out (and that did leak out) was probably kept to an extreme minimum.

2. People seem to imagine that just because this might have been orchestrated by the american administration, it wasn't a genuine attack. Just about everybody involved is/was probably convinced that the where/are a part of an Islamic movement, except 1 or 2 guys somewhere near the American top (I doubt they are a real part of the administration, but I'll bet my ass that they paid a couple of bucks to get the administration where it is)that know what's going on.

Now, I don't believe that 9/11 was an inside job. Why? Because I don't really believe conspiracy theories. It's to neat. My basic belief is that the world isn't run by some sort of organisation. It's 'run' by industrialists and capitalist all over the world just trying to make an extra million. The could take the power over the world if they wanted to, but their greed makes them shortsighted. It's all just one short sighted move after another, and the subsequent move is either to cover an ass or to make som more money. I doubt that anyone in USA helped with 9/11, but I think that what happens now is basically just a way for the american arms industry to justify it's existance. And to make money, of course.

Something else that has annoyed me today are leftist who treat information like propaganda. Moderaterna, the largest party in Sweden isn't fascists or nazis. Sure, the have a bit of a brown history, but that was 60 years ago. The people involved then are dead now. I hate Moderaterna. They are right wing, capitalist-hugging, working class-oppressing, neo-liberal scum fucks. But they ain't nazis. Or fascists. Just because something is right wing doesnt mean that it have anything in common with the extreme right. Just because you want it to be so doesn't make it so. Not that the extremists are that right wing anyway. In a discussion with a fascist (self procclaimed) he described the fascistic economical system as "national socialism", basically meaning a socialism that isn't internationalistic (kind of an impossibility in todays society since capitalism is extremely internationalistic). What makes them right wing extremists is the etnocenthricity, the sexism, the bullshit machismo ("war is to man what maternity is to women" etc.), the anti liberalism and the authoritarianism. I've overheard discussions discussions between communists and members of Blood & Honor, and the only part where they differed is in the attitude towards race, sexism and nationalism. The key difference is that nazism is socialism (and I'm talking about nazism today, mostly) that places the largest emphasis on race. Solidarity with the race instead of class.

Let me make something quite clear: I hate nationalism. Feeling proud to belong to a geograpically defined administrative surface that thinks that it has something in common because the powers that be figured nationalism was a good way to organize people. Fuck off. Same with racism. Stoopid fucking shit. I'll quote a personal hero here (Arne Anka) about the motivating factors behind racism: a feeling of "I can't do anything, I don't know anything, I don't want anything, but my race is the best in the world." White pride? Why should I be proud for being white? I had nothing to do with it. I am proud of my own achievements instead. Because I can.

Something else that is funny: the same person who thought that rightwing=nazi also thought that mandatory service in the army was the basis of oppression of women anf homofobia. Now, I'm sorry, but fags got killed and women oppressed way before 1901, when we got "allmän värnplikt." What I think that you have a beef with is the macho warrior culture that has been dominant since... forever. Men fight, not women. Women get penetrated, not men. That has been coupled with the beliefs that if a man wasn't involved it wasn't really sex and that there wasn't really two sexes. Just men, and unfinished men (=women). And if a man was treated in a way that only women was to be treated (got beaten, had sex done to them instead of from them.) well, then obiously he wasn't really a man. He was unfinished. Like a woman. And we can't have inperfect creatures running around, posing as perfect, now can we? Mandatory service is just a symptom of this, as most organized violence is. I mean, look at the Vatican State. They have a really tiny mercenary army from Switzerland armed with pikes. And they are still quite homophobic and sexist. I'll bet you they are even more homophobic and sexist there than we are here, and still... We have (more or less) mandatory service.

I just hate idiots. I think I hate them even more when they are potentially on my side. Because I expect more. I hate the hypocrisy. We are for free speech and political freedoms and equality and all those cuddly things but nazis shouldn't be allowed to speak their mind. Excuse me?

Fuck off. I hate idiots. And I don't suffer fools.

Summertime Blues

Yeah. My Baby left today. Not forever, but for a week. Can't sleep alone. Or to be more precise, I have a problem with going to sleep alone. Doesn't seem to be a reason to go to sleep when you are alone. Especially when you don't have anything to get up to in the mornings.

But I'll guess it will workitself out. It always does, somehow.

Met up with friends S & J today. Real nice. Spent a couple of hours wandering about town and eating and stuff. But I have the same problem I always have with people. I feel like I take up too much time and space. I always end up holding a lecture about something to people, and you don't reallt want to lecture your friends, even when it's about something silly like japanese nationalism and stuff like that. Plus, I think that S needs the space and attention right now. She doesn't seem to feel that good these days. And I think I understand why. But I don't know how to bring it up. And I don't want to bring it up when we are not alone. Still, it was a good day.

On another note: don't you feel that the al-Qaida panic in the UK is a bit... I mean, if it was al-Qaida planting these car bombs and stuff, they have become very clumsy. Think about it: when they do things they are brilliantly planned, quite complicated (like setting of charges at different times for maximum effect) tactical works of terrorist art. Someone setting a car on fire and rolling (or the other way around) it into an airport... Feels like the little league.

And how fitting isn't it that CIA just happened to find a Hizbollah-member amongst iraqi prisoners, who supposedly was in Irag on Irans mission, training Shia militias to kill american soldiers? Yeah, right. I mean, I have no doubt that Iran are supporting Shia militias in Irag (because Irans supports Shias everywhere), but I seriously doubt that they are actively encouraging these supportees to attack americans. Sure, they are religious fanatics, but the thing that people don't think about is the fact that they are pragmatic religious fanatics. And giving the US of A more of a reason to invade, or be otherwise aggressive... Naah. I mean, it's not like they are getting nukes because they want to blow up the world for Allah. They are doing it to get attention. Remember that the USA don acknowledge Iran as a legitimate state and regional power. Iran has previously promised to help transform both Hamas and Hizbollah to strictly poliical and social organisations in exchange for western recognition. But the US wouldn't give them that. Plus they started drawing up battle plans by throwing dart on a map of the middle east. And Iran has extrememly severe economical problems. So the nuclear program is basically a way for Iran to force the west to communicate with them directly (and it works), to tell the US to stay tha fuck away and to gather the people against a common enemy (Israel and the US. And it works) to take their minds of the fact that the live in an economical dung heap. I'm not saying that they aren't dangerous. I'm not saying that I support the regime. I'm just saying that they ain't insane.

Interesting little bit of fact: did you know that Iran had troops in Afghanistan fighting the taliban long before the US or any other western force?

Silly

Just read through a lot of the posts on this blog and found out that the majority is about me whining about me being lazy and drunk. I think I write a lot here when I'm hung over.

Silly me.

Scared As Mice

I don't suffer fools. I don't. But I don't have the energy to argue with them for to long either.

But those of you that are able to read swedish should read this little post about the Islamic Rage Boy, written by a swedish senior citizen with a fundamentalist (in the words proper meaning, meaning that he thinks that Islam is only it's texts. And only the extreme ones.) view on islam. Now, I am no friend of islam. It is like all the abrahamitic religions first and foremost a tool of oppression, and a way of controlling and using poor and enraged people. BUT, like christianity is not only the crusades, child molesting priests, the IRA, The Lord's Resistance Army, American foreign policy, anti-semitism, fag bashing, support of Hutu Militias, Islam is not only Hamas, Al Qaeda and the talibans (interestingly enough, these three organisations are sunni, and we are most often used to think about the shia as the extremists).

Anyway, I battled a bit in his commentary field. Here's what I wrote:

Visst, fundamentalism finns i varje land. Titta bara på de svenska präster som inte vill acceptera homosexuella giftermål, homosexuella präster eller för den delen kvinnopräster. Bakåtsträvare eller rättrogna?

Opinionsbildare och politiker har uppenbarligen även ansträngt sig för att använda den hotfulle muslimen som medel för sina egna mål. Men där är det väl inte fråga om folk som "genom att underlåta att skaffa kunskap om islam" använder stereotyper för att främja sig själva, utan om 'sanningssägare'?

Självklart finner du kärnan för islamism i haditherna och koranen! Du hittar grunden för Westboro Baptist Church (http://www.godhatessweden.com) i bibeln. Stämmer deras åsikter och handlingar med majoriteten kristnas åsikter och handlingar?

Nej, muslimska länder verkar ha svårt för det där med demokrati. Det verkar vara något som väldigt många länder (om inte de flesta) utanför västvärlden har svårt för. Är det kristendomens fel att sydamerikanska stater militärkuppar till höger och vänster? Eller är det kanske sociala oroligheter och snedfördelad makt som ligger bakom? Hmmm... Kan det vara så att muslimska länder har problem med demokrati eftersom de har styrts av en elit i hundratals år och efter den elitens fall (det ottomanska riket då) har de styrts av lydprinsar som gått europas ärenden? Den demokratiska vanan är säkerligen väldigt dålig då. Bara en teori. Kanske stämmer, jag vet inte.

Alla dagens terrorister är inte muslimer. Av ca 500 terrordåd i europa under 2006 var 1 utfört av muslimer. Ca 10 var utförda av nazister, dubbelt så många utförda av vänsterextremister och resten utförda av separatister. I resten av världen (utanför Israel/Palestina) begås de flesta självmordsbombningarna av marxister.

Runt 90% av Koranen återfinns i Bibeln, give or take. Väljer man att vara bokstavstrogen kristen hamnar man lätt på samma ställe som talibaner. Till skillnad från kristendomen så finns det stöd för krig, och det är noggrant (såpass noggrant som en fjortonhundra år gammal text författad av en analfabet samt några hundra skrönor om hans liv nu kan vara. Men nya testamentet är inte så mycket bättre.) reglerat, såtillvida att man får bara ta till vapen mot islams fiender. Det är därför dom vrålar om jihad hela tiden. Jihad består för övrigt av Stora Jihad (dvs en kamp inom en själv för att bli en bättre muslim) och Lilla Jihad (försvara islam med vapen). Ordvalet i sig visar ju på vad Mohammad själv tyckte att man skulle prioritera.

Problemet är ju att kristendomen, judendomens och islams heliga skrifter är anakronistiska. Hur ska du kunna applicera levnadsregler och ideologier från en 1400 år (eller 1800 år? Eller 5000 år?) gammal text på dagens samhälle? Självklart är Koranen och Haditherna bitvis krigiska, islam föddes trots allt i ett område som uttnyttjades som bricka i kampen mellan Byzans och Persien, med en befolkning som till största delen bestod av ickecentraliserade stammar.

Haditherna är berättelser om Mohammads liv och leverne. Mohammad betraktas som en perfekt människa och som det ultimata föredömet.

Det intressanta med haditherna och tolkningarna av dem och koranen är hur flexibla de är. Bland annat så hittar man både stöd för och emot månggifte i dem, beroende på hur man läser (det perfekta antalet fruar sägs vara fyra, men enbart Mohammad var ju perfekt och är därför den enda (tillsammans med hans homie Gud) som kan ha flera fruar). Iran har hittat (snarare anpassat sin läsning efter omständigheterna) hadither som talar FÖR att kvinnor ska kunna arbeta som advokater, trots att det hittills varit förbjudet. Läs till exempel ‘The Veil And The Male Elite’ av Fatima Mernissi för fler exempel.

Min slutpoäng är denna: Visst, islamism är ett hot mot västerländska, humanistiska idéer. Men hardcore kristendom är lika illa (om än sämre beväpnade). Läs gamla testamentet och man ser uppmuntran av både folkmord, rasism och etnisk rensning. Visst, Islam blir mer inflytelserikt i väst. Men precis som det är skillnad på Westboro Baptist Church och Svenska Kyrkan så är det skillnad på al Qaida och moskén på söder, och lika lite som jag tror att Svenska Kyrkan kommer uppmuntra till krig och förstörelse (trots den stora mängd av texter de kan stödja sig på), lika litet tror jag att Mehmet som städar här i huset kommer självmordsbomba mig. Och gör han det har det säkerligen mer med hans utsatta sociala läge att göra än hans religiösa tillhörighet.