Weakling Avenger

Nice tattoo, huh?

The thing is that I don't have a right to be angry. I got myself to blame. And that doesn't exactely make me feel better.

It's fucked up and unfair (not to me, though) that I got something but can't just drop old wrongs and mistakes and shit. It's fucked up, wrong and grossly unfair.

Yeah, whatever.

''I am mortal, but am I human?''

Sic Vic Pacem, Para Bellum.

Sometime's this fury just rise up in me. Fury and disgust. I feel like throwing up and fighting.

So yeah. Fuck it. Fuck it. FUCK. IT. I'm tired and annoyed. Mostly with myself.

''Life is eternal warfare''

I have come to realize that to a large extent my
life is a life of war. I am constantly guarding the borders of my kingdom, constantly wondering if the people I encounter is friends, foes or indifferent. I'm like a little country.

Today I feel like North Korea or Belarus. As I do most days. I wish I could be a little bit more like the Netherlands.

Todays words of wisdom: ''There is no God but the one that dies with me. We come into this world all alone. And we will die on our own. Ain Elohim.''

No Hope, No Future, No Second Chance

Jag skriker ut i raseri, till alla er som ler
Som skrattar bakom ryggen, som pekar och ser ner
För jag har levt med hatet och smärtan i mitt bröst
Jag har sett ren ondska och den har gett mig tröst!

Ni fattar inget av
Min avsky och mitt hat!
Hur erat jävla svek
Har svärtat ner mitt sinne!

''När hela själen blöder tänker jag på er
Och när smärtan börjar avta så hatar jag er mer
För jag har levt med hatet och smärtan i mitt bröst
Jag har sett ren ondska och den har gett mig tröst!''

''Svarta tankar'' by Skitsystem.


THIS. IS. ME.

In a way it feels like I've come home. Not sure it's a good thing.

The little Failure Parade keeps marching on. It's getting heavy. There's just no end to it. It just keeps going and going. It stretches from horizon to horizon.

FOADIF

Svarta Tankar

Rediscovered an old favourite band of mine today: Skitsystem. Rediscovered a song that I had forgotten. A song that in almost every (lyrical) aspect deals with how I feel everey hour of every day of every month of every year. The feeling that I think is my worst problem. Svarta Tankar.

Enjoy. The lyrics seem to be impossible to find on the internet, but I hope you can hear what they sing anyway. It is important stuff. I used to listen to that song and that record constantly when I was in high school. Pure hatred. Pure strength in a perverted way. Pure sadness and pure weakness, too.

Lying down amon the liars, I deny my own desire

I wish... I wish it didn't feel like I was always making people feel nervous. Uneasy. No, correction. I wish I wasn't making people feel nervous and uneasy. I wish it wasn't my defensen. I wish it wasn't my way of... I wish I could just let it go. But old and bad habits die hard.

Fuck. It just makes me so sad. On the other hand I believe it has served me quite well from time to time. I just wish it was more of a tool than a side of me. I got to learn to control it more.

I don't know... I'm just sad. All the time. There is a part of me that just won't let go. Just keeps me chained to a barren history. Just makes me see shit I can't do nuthin' about now. It's fucked.

I'm fucked.

And you know... I don't want anyone back or anything. It's just that it had been nice if it had worked. And maybe that I didn't have so many regrets, you know?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! My head is like a beehive with everything just buzzing around inside my head and I don't know what it is or where it's going to land or be or what I really want or anything! I hate this! I hate hate hate it! I don't know anything anymore.

Triumph der Willes

I spent the night listening to Celtic Frost's 'Monotheist' album. It is pure brilliance in every aspect. I always find something new in it. This night it was the liner notes, and especially the liner notes to 'a dying god coming into human flesh' (''it deals with the feeling of failed emotional grandiosity that turns one into a completely self-obsessed egotistical entity'' etc.).

Knowledge handed to you is almost worthless. Knowledge gathered by yourself is worth almost everything.

''For those I love I profess to hurt. For those who love me profess to hurt me.''

Livskvalitet

Sometimes I wonder. If there is anything left. In me. People has left me, things has disappeared. I just feel like I don't even know if I care. I just feel very blasé about my life. It don't matter what happens, if it's good or bad, because it is the same. Just ways of killing time. And I feel nothing. I am actually sadder over the fact that I feel so little than I am over the actual pains I feel. At least tonight. Tonight the world could blossom or burn and it would make no difference. It would just be more opportunities or inconveniences.

Never mind. Time to sleep.

To The Death's Head True

One of those days. I'm thinking about almost every social interaction I have ever had with humans and I am filled with disgust. Not proper hate, but loathing. The world makes me sick. People makes me sick. Physically sick.

Everything annoys me right now. Peoples blindness, my own blindness, how my own blindness makes it harder for people to see.

I hate being human. I hate the fact that we need other people in our lives.

Got my totenkopf-ring anyway. Now I'm looking forward to that belt buckle with the odal rune on it. Gonna wear that one upside down.

At The Mouth Of Madness

I'm watching it right now. Pretty nifty. Seems like a pretty nifty Lovecraft tribute.

Got my lovecat with me. He is not that satisfied with the situation.

I'm pretty OK today. A bit drunk. I wish I wasn't so afraid of hurting. Of hurting other people. Especially when it comes to sex. I always feel... Guilty. Or potentially guilty. Like I might hurt people. Do something wrong. Something that will hurt. Something that will destroy it.

Male guilt? Feeling the guilt of the whole patriarchy? I dont't know. Maybe.

God, I should go to bed. Or something. Feel like the little mister will keep me awake for a while.