Happiness is a warm gun

I seem to remember happiness. Don't remember what it feels like, but I remember a time when life was at least OK or better on just about every level. Not that much below OK. When I just felt that it was pretty nice to be alive. That life was pretty good, although not perfect.

Maybe I am just being nostalgic. Probably. That's the problem, innit? I can never see what I got until it's too late.

I refuse to be worried about material things anymore. Can't stand it. So what if it blows up in my face? I've been hungry before. There's more important things at stake here, although I can hardly see them anymore and the tools I once thought I had... Well, I don't know how to use them anymore (if ever I did).

It's so... I don't know. That's the problem, you see. I don't know. I feel like mist.

And that hate is coming back. I feel myself tensing up everytime I'm outside the apartment, assessing people when they pass me, always being ready. And staying in the apartment is no solution. I just disappear into space. Not thinking, just to avoid feeling.

This isn't a home. At least not my home. It's full of other people.

I just feel so wasted. Like I've wasted myself. And it feels like I'm doomed to repeat it. But maybe not.

It's just a horrible feeling, both knowing that you can't and don't want to go back, but there's nothing on the horizon to move forwards to. It's more like a death march than a race.

Should get some sleep I guess. Won't work.

Ah, fuck it. I guess tomorrow will be better, or something.

My door.

You gotta represent, ya know?

God I make myself nauseous sometimes. I just got such a problem just being at certain places... If I don't feel welcome I just want to run away and cry. It can be stores, it can be clubs, it can be parties or any kind of place or thing. And the step after that is being with people who don't get me (and there's a lot of them. I can only think of 3 or 4 people, and none of them really knows all of me.). The only way to beat that feeling is either knowing that you are welcome (and that's easy at a concert. You just have to know about music, and KNOW that you know.) or you go in with a sense and attitude of ''fuck off! You mean nothing to me because I am better than you.'' Or you sit in the corner, skulking. Feeling that you are at best tolerated.

This is no way to live. Why are people first and foremost a threat to me?

"That is not dead which forever lie..."

"...and with strange aeons even death may die."

I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could just sit and feel instead.

No, I don't want that either. There's a bit too much pain in me.

I just feel so... I don't know. Loss is a hard thing. I just don't seem to be able to let it go. And it's in the way, so much in the way. I want it out of my life, now!

I don't think people understand how large a part of me is just some sort of autopilot. How much that autopilot does not feel like me, but something that I have created to be able to meet the world. It is the part that was created when I needed to be a salesman, it is the part of me that is used to dealing with customers. Everytime I meet a new person and they for some reason thinks I am charming, it is most likely that autopilot that's turned on and that deals with it while I'm in the back seat, cowering in a corner.

It's kind of funny... Quite often the times when people seem to think I am funniest and most charming and sociable is when I'm close to panicking. When I just drop the reins.

Never mind.

I have another problem, sort of. I'm always searching for consistency. That makes me kind of black-and-white. For example: telling someone to butt out because they are disturbing and punching their face in for being even more disturbing is basically the same thing for me. If I can do the first, I should be prepared and willing to do the second if the situation warrants it. In a situation I always think about how far something can go and if I am willing to take it to the extreme. It always makes other things hard. It makes me scared. Having a row with a friend is the same thing as being willing to end the friendship. Telling someone to get a grip and behave like civilized people when they ain't is the same thing as starting a fight when someone is treating a loved one in a really disrespectful manner. It's just a question of degrees. And other people don't seem to think like that. They seem to think that people really do have some sort of morality or something. I don't have that faith in people. And that makes it kind of hard to stick up for people. No, not hard to stick up for people. That ain't the problem. Knowing when it's OK to stick up for people is the problem.

Another thing is this thing about searching for a place in the world... I mean, I despise humanity most of the time, and yet I want to be a part of it? Or do I? I don't know anymore. I feel that I'm trying to find a place among "regular" people and all I feel like saying is things like "is this your idea of entertainment? Do you think this if funny, for real?" Or the classic: "Do you really think that you are really drunk now?" I mean, I just find so many people boring, I find humanity boring and disappointing. But is that a fact or is that a defensive reaction? Do I cut them out of my life because I don't want to face their rejection?

Reading this, I realize that I sound like a fucking snob.

Horizon

Feeling better today. Could hardly sleep tonight, but I guess it helped anyway. Sort of.

It really drains you, spending time with people you don't know, people that there really isn't any connection to.

Plus, being out there just makes me feel trapped.

I guess having spent a lifetime ignoring yourself and never really letting anyone close makes it kind of hard to actually know, see and meet anything.

Horizon

Feeling better today. Could hardly sleep tonight, but I guess it helped anyway. Sort of.

It really drains you, spending time with people you don't know, people that there really isn't any connection to.

Plus, being out there just makes me feel trapped.

I guess having spent a lifetime ignoring yourself and never really letting anyone close makes it kind of hard to actually know, see and meet anything.

Mad & Sad

I don't get people. I don't get myself. I don't get it. And they don't get me. It's a weird feeling, somehow feeling like you are close to the (moral) edge all the time. And it's strange. Everything feels so strange. I'm so strange.

The past week has been good. Spent a lot of time with people I like. Why do I like them? Because they are charming and nice. Why do I feel good with those particular people? Because I feel like I can't be too much with them.

Being part of a culture where you always want to push things to the extreme is very interesting in many ways but it also makes you feel alienated from the rest of the world and being who I am... I don't want to meet the world like that. Like I'm always on the defensive. I want to have some common ground. I want to be able to actually MEET the world.

Should I just accept that I am who I am or should I change? Wouldn't change be capitulation? Selling out? Would I be changing for my own sake or would I just be smoothening my edges down just to... Would I surrender?

I feel so very alone in this. Always alone.

In the end we are all alone, I guess.

I feel so utterly different. Always.

Damn it! I was feeling good and now... I keep breaking my own heart. And I don't even know what's breaking anymore.

A friend once said: ''it doesn't get better. It gets different.''

I feel like such a phony. Like such a fraud. Like a bad copy. Everywhere. All the time.

I'd just like to truly MEET someone. To truly SEE someone (and to be seen). And by this I don't mean to say that I want to fall in love. That's not it at all. It's something else. For a few seconds I thought that I had at least glimpsed it, but I doubt it. I really do.

Never mind. It's 4 AM and I haven't had a proper nights sleep since I don't know when. Probably never. I am very very tired. Tired and old. And a bit broken. And disillusioned. I feel alone, want to be left alone but know that it will only make things worse.

Death To Everyone

I just want to get it over with. Get it out of me. Just get over it totally. Completely. Everything. And just start anew. But I can't. And I don't feel like it's fair. I don't know if I'll be able to treat people fairly, to treat people the way they deserve when my mind is just boundcing of mental walls all the time.

And I'm so fucking angry at the whole world right now. I'm on the brink of getting into fights all the time. I am, very fast, moving towards the point that I don't want to return to. And I don't know what to do.

It's almost like a fucking mental plague. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be this way. Always confrontational, even more than necessary, just because offence is the best defence. And I'm just... I have nothing. I'm as closed up as ever I was. I can't reach into those parts of my soul anymore. And I'm proud. Maybe too proud.

The thought of the fact that this is a process that will last me my whole life is scaring me something fierce.

I hate people.

I hate the human race.

Rapture

My door. That's nice. It's actually mine.

Had a nice birthday. ONLY good people there. Good bands. Cheap alcohol. Hardly any hangover. Just some form of melancholia. I feel empty. I haven't even left the apartment all day except to buy pizza and smokes. And I haven't done anything besides that and listening to music. Lethargy. Great night, though. I don't think I have been so filled with life and actually joy in a long time.

I feel pissed off. I just want to say ''fuck off'' to the whole world.

I can't stand people. Just a few of them (and they really matter), but otherwise... They make me nauseous. My mind just want to throw up and I just want to go into hiding. And now I have somewhere to hide. Again.

I have no TV. I have no internet connection. I have no stereo. I hardly have any books. My movies and records are still in boxes. I have nothing to keep me busy but my own mind. And what a demon it is. But it is also nice, in some way. Nothing to distract me.

I wish I could do more for my friends. I wish I had the guts to do more.

Raus!

Got my new apartment. No internet there, yet. We'll see how we fix that.

Lot of shit to take care of. Feels nice to have a place of your own, but still... I got that feeling of panic in my stomach. It feels awful. Like everything will crash. And I will have to beg to be able to stay afloat. I hate begging.

It's so hard for me to ask for help. There's so much that I just don't... There's locks everywhere.

And there are so many practical circumstances that just keeps dragging shit out. Just keeps dragging it out. Lack of time, lack of money. Lack of fucking everything.

Shaking foundations

Pinpoint again. I feel like I make people nervous. In a bad way.



I feel so empty today. So... So unidentified. It feels strange, not knowing who you are anymore. Very alone, no matter who you share it with.

I just don't seem to be able to stop being sad. Even when I'm happy, I'm sad.

Geburtstag

My birthday is coming up. It feels strange. I've never tried to make a big thing about it, mainly because I was (and am) afraid of being disappointed. Now it feels even smaller than ever. Funny. Not that it necessarily is smaller, it's just that so much have already happened and so much is happening right now that it just don't... It feels so much smaller. Some kind of loss of innocence, maybe.

But what the fuck. I need stuff. I am both greedy and lazy, so here´s some stuff you could get me. If you'd want to. Or you could get me something else, something that I didn't know I wanted and needed.

I need knives. Kitchen knives. Good ones.
I need a black or burgundy V-necked pullover, for summer/autumn use. Or a nice cardigan.
I need money.
I need socks. Thin, black ones. Not too warm.
And that's just about it.

I also want these things from IKEA (and some other stuff from the same serie's), but I can't say that I need them right now. But anyway. If any of you care.
Molger spegelskåp:

Orgel taklampa:

Otherwise, I'm just happy for some love and attention. That's more than enough for me.

Do what thou Wilt, under Love, shall be the whole of the Law.

I've been losing my need for symbols and symbolism lately. That's interesting. It makes me think that focusing problems, attitudes and the world in general through symbols and symbolism was a way of shielding myself, of protecting myself. No, wait a minute... Saying that "it makes me think..." makes it sound like I didn't know that that was what I doing. Which I both did and do know. But I used to see it as a tool, and as a pretty good tool. But what I really am starting to think now is that no matter how good of a tool it was, it's a tool that wasn't really up for this challenge. Because no matter how epressive symbols might be, they are also limiting. They are a bit like my search for an all-permeating philosophy of life. It's not just done without limiting yourself.

Somehow I must make myself realize that there is no need for me to identify with something.

I feel more provocative than I have done for a long time, but there's a more healthy feeling to it now. The feeling of wanting a swastika tattooed on my forehead just to make the world see how much I hate it is fading. Instead it is replaced by a feeling of mischief, and I like that. A feeling of being a bit wrong just to tease peoples minds in a friendly way, not to make them hate or fear. Of being a bit 'wrong' just to provoce people to think. Maybe I'll pick up the iron cross again.

Still dying with every step I take

I wish I'd stop seeing the mistakes. I really do.