Et tu, Brute?

Genesis 3:4:
And the serpent said unto the woman, ye shall not surely die:

Genesis 3:5:
For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.


There is a reason I got a couple of snakes tattooed.

I Väntan På Gud

I just realized something. I want to go for a quest. A quest for God. I want to find Him. I have spent time in the forest, and I almost thought He was near. I want to go to Israel, to Jerusalem. To see if He is really there. What His affinity for that place is. I want to go to Arabia, to see what is hidden in the desert wind. I want to go to the steppes of Central Asia to see what Attila and Genghis saw. I want to go to Transylvania to se what made people sacrifice each other in thse woods. To see what Vlad Dracula saw. I want to go to persia to see what Zarathustra saw, to the Middle East to what compelled Abraham, to Egypt so learn of Akenatens experiences, to Mexico to see the Aztecs dreams. I want to spend more time in my own peoples woods to understand what compelled them to hang people in the crown of a tree as a sacrifice. What made Odin sacrifice himself to himself. No, I know it was the runes, I mean what made him to it? The chief ot the Gods realizing that he too has to sacrifice to gain something.

Are these acts and these people and these creatures what we think of when we speak of God? I think not. But if God is almighty these people saw him. These acts of horror, genocide, blood and cruelty are Gods work.

Or as Elie Weisel (a man I rarely agree with) writes in his play The Trial Of God:

"...but let one killer kill for God's glory, and God is guilty. Every person who suffers or causes suffering, every woman who is raped, every child who is tormented implicates Him."

Or as Algernon Swinburne wrote in Atalanta In Calydon:

"Who turns the large limbs to a little flame
And binds the great sea with a little sand;
Who makes desire, and slays desire with shame;
Who shakes the heaven as ashes in his hand;
Who, seeing the light and shadow for the same,
Bids day waste night as fire devours a brand,
Smites without sword, and scourges without rod;
The supreme evil, God.

Yea, with thine hate, O God, thou hast covered us,
One saith, and hidden our eyes away from sight."

If God is almighty I cannot see how he can be "all good" (if one does not think that an act of God is per definition good. I don't. How can you justify genocide, rape and murder when you are almighty? There is an easy way to solve it then, isn't it?). He seems a bit likean "angry, petulant old man", in Tennesee Williams words.

But I still want to find Him, even if he is not all good. If He exist. I really doubt that. At the moment I don't believe in him at all. As a matter of fact I outright deny him and most spirituality as a matter of principle.

But I still want to find Him. Go figure.

Christianity has really fucked us up. Our sense of morals and values have really fucked us up.

Funny

I actually went out with some class mates the other day and managed to stay quite sober. But somehow I got in a fight with some girl. A stranger. Won't bore you with the details, but it ended up with her just being a total jerk with absolutely no political analyzing skills whatsoever and the rethoric of a demented five year old and me kindly enlightening her of those facts. Plus I told her she was more stupid than the nazis, wich made her run away and cry. I think she was jewish.

I feel a bit bad about the last part. Not about making her sad or upset, but making her sad and upset with something that had to do with the original discussion would have made everything much better.

Anyways, she was a moron and a jerk. And I feel remarkably good about myself. Or not as bad as I usually would have in a situation like this. I wonder if it is the lack of alcohol or if it is because I was right and won?

Consumption & Extinction

I got a problem with consumption. When I smoke, I smoke a lot and fast. When I drink I drink a lot and fast. Not so much with the eating, thoug. Altough I got a tendensy to eat fucked up things (like chocolate pudding and crayfish. Or coke and a bunch of sausages.).

I got a problem with consumption and I think it starts to effect my body and health.

I'm starting to get fucked up. I feel like total shit right now.

Right now it's Nietzsche, Sartre, Heidegger och Schopenhauer. That's da fire.

Eff Off

Got to get my shit together. I got to stop drinking. When drunk, I just spend time trying to prove to other people how cool and extreme I am. It's not fun at all. It just makes me feel silly. And sad. And pathetic.

Why am I doing this? It's despicable. Disgusting. Low.