Denied

Feel like shit. So much shit. I thought I had got past this. Some of it. So I could work on the other things. But no.

Never mind.

I just can't touch it. I feel like this and it destroys me. But I don't know what "it" is. I'm trying to poke myself, but my mind just slips. It's like there's a soaped up obsidian surface just above it. I try to get through it but I just slip of it and don't realize it until I am somewhere else. It was so much easier (although harder in another way) when this was new. Now I just poke it, and it hurts. But then, nothing. So I poke it again and it hurts. And nothing. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I don't get it.´It doesn't change. I feel fucking cheated. Mostly by myself.

And I feel... Cheap. Ratty. Nothing fits, everything is old, worn and torn, my body betrays me at every turn. I'm just so tired. It feels like all I have been doing for so long (for years) is just soldiering on. I feel worn out. Bad quality. Everything is of bad quality.

I just feel like a fucking fraud.

I. AM. SO. TIRED. OF. THIS.

So fucking tired.

I feel so left out of the world.

www.blacksheepandprodigalsons.com

I'm seeing things I didn't see before. I'm seeing behaviour I didn't see before. I'm a bit surprised, to be honest. But I know that remarks of the same sort have been made upon me and upon my behaviour. And I know where the changes in my behaviour comes from. They come from realizing my mistakes and trying to make sure I don't repeat them. I'm choosing to believe that what is happening now is something in the same vein. There really is no option.


Otherwise?

I'm just so scared of people. I am. Terribly afraid. Of people and of rejection. And of being judged.

And I want to talk about all this. I really want to. But every time I try I just feel how the words stop and disappear. And there is so much that I can't say, but that I want to say.

It's like... When I try to talk about this I almost inevetably start to cry. And when I cry I can't talk. I don't want to cry. I have worked so hard on not crying, it is almost like a reflex. And yet, I have to. And I am glad that I'm letting it out. I really am. But at the same time, it's incredibly hard anf painful and it feels so demeaning. Humiliating. And I feel so stupid.

Yesterday I got whaty I wanted and not even then could I let it all out. I so wanted to let it rip through my chest and out in the world, but I couldn't I don't know why? Not wanting to show myself weak? Not wanting to add to someones burden?

I feel so very very different from the rest of humanity.

I guess it is a strategy, finding a topic of discussion that I find interesting and knows a lot about as soon as possible. But it is an ugly strategy. Not very nice of me. Sure, I do it because I am scared. Because I want to prove myself in some way. But I also do it because I like the things I like and care very little for things outside it. In that way I am very ignorant. Not a nice trait. And I want to be nice, you know? But I don't want to lie at the same time.

I don't know... I have always had a problem with small talk. It's always seen so... Unimportant. That if we didn't talk about something Big and Important it was just... An act? So incredibly selfish of me at times. Who am I to judge what is important or not? On the other hand, I remember asking a new friend about his kids and we spent like 30 minutes talking about them. I don't really care about his kids. But he obviously does (of course he does!). And I got a new sensation. As I said, I don't reallt care about his kids, as I don't know them myself. But I felt like a human. A civilized person. Like I was going somewhere. Evolving. Or at least pretending to evolve. And it felt nice. Nice to be able to talk about something like that. Nice to enjoy it.

I think I have mentioned this before, but the only reason I have friends is my friends. I talked about this yesterday, that I can't even remember the last time I initiated contact with a stranger. Consequently, I have friends because they started to talk to me.

I'm just starting to see exactely how fucked up my behaviour has been. How fucked up it is. I'm actually amazed that I managed as good at the university as I did.

I just feel fucked up. I have this urge to just pull the cover over my head and yell "leave me alone" to the whole world, and at the same time I don't want to spend another minute alone again. And that is what scares me about getting my own place. I'm spending so much time alone as it is. How is it going to be if I live alone? I don't want a life where I go to work and then go home and wait for the morning to come so I can go to work again. I don't want that. But nothing interests me right now. Nothing that doesn't feel like an insult to myself.

At times this almost feels exciting. Like "I'm going to make it! This is going to work out splendidly!" and that feels good. For a while. Until I'm starting to think things like "why should it work out? Look at the stats, how succesful has my life been up till now? Exactely."

I'm so tired of not having any kind of safety. I don't think I have been safe one day in my life. It's wearing me down.

I'm starting to get a bit fed up with myself. "Buhu buhu, I'm lonely and feel like an alien and think that everybody barely tolerates me and all I can do about it is writing these stupid entries in a fucking blog!" But I don't know what else to do.

God, I hate this day. Mostly I hate that I got drunk yesterday and today I got the exact feeling that made me a recluse. The worst part is that I hardly remember anything about yesterday.

I hate this day. I hate myself. All I want to do is just run away from work, but I can't stand going back to the apartment. It just feels so lonely. So fucking deserted.

I just... Everything is so fucked up in me. I just want to break down and cry and just be hugged and just not have to feel awful about being alone and afraid. Not having to be worried about that. Feel like I have something. Truly have something.

"I don't think you can be very funny about metal"

According to my facebook social profile I was
"reviewed for dating 235 times and 5 people expressed interest in you.You are more desirable than 50% of 30,358,409 people.

Last week you were viewed 12 times and no people expressed interested in you."´

Is that supposed to be good news? The vast majority of people on the interwebz don't want me, but there are 150 000 000 people that are wanted even less? I find this hilarious.

Been listening to Tiamats latest effort lately. And it is brilliant. I love it. Love it. It brings back memories of when I bought Skeleton Skeletron back in maybe 1999 or 2000 and I just loved it to death. I listened to Tiamat an awful lot for a few years there (and mostly that record), but for some reason I stopped. Or I didn't appreciate them as much as I maybe should. I don't know. But they still remain one of the few bands that have managed to somehow wed anything remotely gothic to metal (the other examples are Celtic Frost, Root, Fields Of The Nephilim and maybe Katatonia) without it becoming a total revelry in cheese, latex pants, disgusting "growl meets opera"-vocals and an all out prettiness.

And as a big plus in my book is that there has always been something satanic about Tiamat (something that is also true for the other bands I mentioned), although there is a sort of Milton-inspired Satan possessing Tiamat. Quite playful and beautiful, yet dangerous and still the Prince of Lies. The Devil shows himself differently in the other bands I mentioned but He is still there, in one aspect or another.

One thing I hate more than everything else when it comes to music is bands and artist that don't dare to take what they do seriously. It is the easiest thing in the world to start a black metal parody band It's like stealing candy from a baby, and just about as challenging. Now, I am not saying that you can't be playful or humorous in what you do (just look at Laibach. Or Tiamat for that matter.) I'm just saying that I am fucking sick and tired of people that don't even try to take their shit seriously. It shows a lack of respect, a lack of guts and above all, a lack of love. Or put in the words of swedish hardcore heroes Anatomi-71: "Ta din jävla glimt i ögat och lämna mig ifred!"

PANIC!

Just discovered that I'm starting to grow hair on my back! Fuck! I'm growing old. The decline is here. No fun. No fun whatsoever. I mean, there's only like a few hairs, but that is almost worse than if it were like 2000, because I don't really know how to keep this in check. I can't shave my back. Yeah, well... There's not like there is anyone that's going to see me naked.

Damn.

Been in a strange mood today. Can't really describe it. Just strange. Been quite productive, but I still feel weird. Not necessarily in a bad way, though. Probably because I slept really really bad tonight. And because I cracked a tooth on my tounge piercing this morning. Not really that much fun either. Felt so stressed and confused and stuff that I skipped shaving this morning. Figured that I wouldn't be able to properly concentrate, that my skin would react really bad to it and that I probably should let my face rest a bit. Got to learn how you shave your neck without it turning into one big, red rash afterwords.

Spent some time with J today, and that was nice. Nice to clear your head a bit. Nice to talk and just do nothing else.

My mom just called. They make me sad sometimes, my parents. I am glad they care but so often I just want them to leave me alone. Especially today. Apparently some cousin of mine that I have met maybe 3 times the last 15 years is getting married in august to someone I don't think I have ever met and she wondered if I wanted to come. I hardly know what I am going to do next week, do you think august is even on my horizon? Going to a wedding with people I hardly know and hardly care about (and for the most part, don't even like) is not high on my list of priorities. And right now the whole idea of going to a wedding just brings back bad memories. I don't know... That's the problem, I don't know anything. Not really. I'm just... Floating around. Sort of. I'm tired of being an alien and yet, I could never lower myself to be something else. It's lonely on the top, you know? :)

Got to finish the dishes now. See ya.