I Väntan På Gud

I just realized something. I want to go for a quest. A quest for God. I want to find Him. I have spent time in the forest, and I almost thought He was near. I want to go to Israel, to Jerusalem. To see if He is really there. What His affinity for that place is. I want to go to Arabia, to see what is hidden in the desert wind. I want to go to the steppes of Central Asia to see what Attila and Genghis saw. I want to go to Transylvania to se what made people sacrifice each other in thse woods. To see what Vlad Dracula saw. I want to go to persia to see what Zarathustra saw, to the Middle East to what compelled Abraham, to Egypt so learn of Akenatens experiences, to Mexico to see the Aztecs dreams. I want to spend more time in my own peoples woods to understand what compelled them to hang people in the crown of a tree as a sacrifice. What made Odin sacrifice himself to himself. No, I know it was the runes, I mean what made him to it? The chief ot the Gods realizing that he too has to sacrifice to gain something.

Are these acts and these people and these creatures what we think of when we speak of God? I think not. But if God is almighty these people saw him. These acts of horror, genocide, blood and cruelty are Gods work.

Or as Elie Weisel (a man I rarely agree with) writes in his play The Trial Of God:

"...but let one killer kill for God's glory, and God is guilty. Every person who suffers or causes suffering, every woman who is raped, every child who is tormented implicates Him."

Or as Algernon Swinburne wrote in Atalanta In Calydon:

"Who turns the large limbs to a little flame
And binds the great sea with a little sand;
Who makes desire, and slays desire with shame;
Who shakes the heaven as ashes in his hand;
Who, seeing the light and shadow for the same,
Bids day waste night as fire devours a brand,
Smites without sword, and scourges without rod;
The supreme evil, God.

Yea, with thine hate, O God, thou hast covered us,
One saith, and hidden our eyes away from sight."

If God is almighty I cannot see how he can be "all good" (if one does not think that an act of God is per definition good. I don't. How can you justify genocide, rape and murder when you are almighty? There is an easy way to solve it then, isn't it?). He seems a bit likean "angry, petulant old man", in Tennesee Williams words.

But I still want to find Him, even if he is not all good. If He exist. I really doubt that. At the moment I don't believe in him at all. As a matter of fact I outright deny him and most spirituality as a matter of principle.

But I still want to find Him. Go figure.

Christianity has really fucked us up. Our sense of morals and values have really fucked us up.