I've always disliked love songs. Too cheesy, you know? Too banal. Recently I have started to reevaluate it. Maybe I have become more accepting. Maybe I'm letting myself feel cheesy things. Maybe so strong and horrific feelings can't be properly described. Maybe banality is the only possible human response to something so gut wrenching.
No release valve anymore. Crying? It feels like lies. Like hypocrisy. Talking? The same. Engraved deep within me is the concept of Acta non Verba (don't talk, act), or maybe rather Acta et Verba. Talk and act. If I could be sure that I wouldn't be judged, maybe I would talk (but in reality I fear that I am the only one that judges).
I have many wishes and many fears, but one of them is the same: forgetting. There are things that pains me so, things I just want to forget, things I want blotted out of history. And then I look at that history and realize that there are so much that I don't remember. Things I want and need to remember. Things that still affect me. I don't know what scares me more: remembering them and their full meaning or forgetting more.
God, I just cant stop being angry and sad at the same old shit.
No comments:
Post a Comment