Hurt

I kind of feel like I can identify with Kermit. ;)


I don't think I have had one real feeling during the day. The night took a heavy toll. I have been completely drained and empty. I could have been shot and not cared. It feels good. Or, it felt good. Because I get some pangs now and then and it makes the promise I made yesterday hard to keep. Sure, the promise was made in a state of some mental disarray. But I still think the main point of it might be a good approach. Shut down. Detach. Let trouble come to me, not the other way around.

I don't know. As I have said before, I feel like I am mostly just emotional reactions. Rationality's gone out the window. I feel like I don't know if my actions are right or wrong until they come back and slap me in the face. It bugs me. I feel like I in some sense became a man al those years ago when I fucked everything up the first time. And i became one by learning right from wrong and trying to do right. That took a lot of discipline (and in some sense emotional mutilation). I feel like all that is gone. Like I am the same emotionally underdeveloped person I was then.

The thing is that this discipline, an trying to everything objevtive and doing it right... I feel like I can't escape. By denying these emotions their outlet, it feels like they still effect me in other ways. Killing things inside me. Effecting my behaviour, but in other ways. Insidious...

I don't want to be objective right now. I want to hate and kill. But I don't. I have a little whirlwind that's trying (and sometimes succeding) to break out. But I keep it away. And in some ways that makes me so sad, denying myself that. And not embracing it makes me fear it's effect even more. But I can't let it out. It would kill everything. humans are not good by nature. So by being good, we have to deny a large part of our nature. Of ourselves. Heh... It is interesting that I managed to connect this to my post about Hobbes, don't you think?





And for some reason the whole 'Monotheist' album by Celtic Frost seems to speak to me.




On a happier note, I got a D on my last test. I means I passed. It also means I was really close to failing. But at least I passed.