I have come to realize something horrible. During these past years, everyone I (still) know has grown. Evolved. I have not. And more important, I have not seen their growth. I have not seen that it is OK to grow. To change. To evolve. I have created something that is not me. Not all me. And by seeing the world - my world - through that somethings eyes, I have not really seen things for what they are. I have not seen my friends for what they are. Because the thing through which I have viewed the world... It can't see things properly. It sees itself in others. I have come to realize that I have not let myself know myself. And by doing that I have not let anyone else know me, or let me know anyone else.

For the first time I think I understand what she meant when she said that I had to let the big one take care of the little one. That that was what it was there for. To care and protect the little one.

It's horrible, coming to the realization that you don't know who you are. That you are not a complete person. It's horrible realizing that you have mutilated yourself so. And it is even more horrible to realize that by doin that you have not only hurt and maimed yourself, your true self, but you have hurt people around you. You have destroyed beautiful things. You have ignored things that would have made your life so much better. And for what? I honestly don't know anymore. I honestly can't put my finger on what it was I thought I was gaining. I don't remember. I have ruined lives and for what? Absolutely nothing.

It is no fun to realize that you are still a child when you are just a month from turning 26. No fun at all. And it is horrible the way it has smacked me in the face. It is horrible to get your short comings pointed out in that way.

But it is as it is. No amount of wishes will change that. But it doesn't make it fun.

I feel so wasted. So worn out. So spent. But it is as it is.

It is no fun not knowing who you are. No fun at all.