Quid Pro Quo

There's a certain way that I act (or should I say react?) when I am in a social situation. I take charge. Or dominate. Or whatever. Take up a lot of space.

I do it because I'm nervous. I do it out of some sort of "offence is the best defence" way of thinking. But it's not like I'm thinking about it when I do it. I just act.

Sometimes I just want to cut out my tounge.

On the other hand, discussing things is one of the things I enjoy the most. But a lot of the time it feels like I do it for the wrong reasons. Like I do it because I want to tell people how much I know, how smart I am, how right I am. As I stated in the beginning of The Project, the only thing I have ever been is smart. So I guess I feel like I have to prove myself. Prove that I can bring something to the table. Hell, I want to prove that I own the fucking table! It's like winning a fight to me. And it's a fucking disgusting way of thinking and feeling.

A barbarian in Rome or a roman among barbarians, remember?

There are few places where I feel safe and comfortable. They are not enough and not all of them is the ones I really want, but I am grateful nonetheless.