Saturday, June 14, 2008

Nirvana

I managed to put my finger on it on the subway ride home. I feel like I have sold my soul. And now there's nothing left in me. There is no me left.

There's no joy. Even even when there are joyfull moments, there is always a bitter aftertaste. Of never really belonging. And in some way of no longer being able to belong. Because too much has happened. No real home. There are a few reservations, but not even there... Not even there.

I remember feeling like this. This hopeless. And then I would rush home. Rush home to her. And just to be in the same room would calm me down. Would settle me.

Today, I remember nothing good. I walked amon people today, on my way home. Bought milk and cigarettes. Looked at people. Tried to get them. But I didn't. I felt so alien. Like I was looking at people and wanted to ask them "what are you doing? Why are you doing it? What joy does this give you? Do you see any worth here, in this?" I don't know if I know too much or too little. But today, everything I see fills me with sadness. Today, everyone fills me with sadness. Today, everything fills me with a sense of not being able to understand. Not being able to relate.

I don't want to die. But right now I want to be totally erased from creation. Wiped out. No trace left, no memory of me left. Like I had never existed at all. To be nothing.

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