On the other hand...

...I sometimes just feel how my heart breaks for certain humans. I see someone, and for just a split second I see the beauty in them. It is always in outcasts and freaks, or old people. People who somehow are not part of the norm. Deformed people, sick people, ugly people. Preferebly the ones who just look 'wrong', but not so wrong that you actually can see what is wrong with them. Just for a few seconds or minutes, but still. Like this junkie I saw on the subway the other day. He had two black eyes, his face was worn and his clothes dirty and worn out. And I could see in his eyes that he knew exactely what the rest of the train saw when they looked at him. And I could see that it hurt him. I could also see that under the right/wrong circumstances he would not hesitate to kill me. I could see that he probably had a really bad temper, too. I could see that he had probably done a lot of horrible things. Some things he probably didn't even think about any more and some of them probably ate away at his soul. But I could not help but look at him and just be sad for him. For his sake. For what has been wasted in him. For what has been destroyed.

I am not going to say that I believe him to be a good man or a kind man. But I am going to say that I do not think it impossible that he is as good and as kind as he can be, under the circumstances.

The thing is... I don't know. I don't know if I was and am as good and kind as I could/can be, under the circumstances. I do know that I have never felt as worn down and worn out as I did last year. I hardly remember anything, but what I do remember is being constantly tired and constantly fucked up, in one way or the other. I remember that I shat blood several times a week a year ago. And I remember that when it wasn't blood it sometimes was something more resembeling snot. I remember that I could hardly fall asleep and I never ever slept a whole night through. And that is basically the only thing I remember from last year. That, and a fucking pit of worries, gnawing at my insides. Studies and money, mostly. I was so worried about the money situation that you can't even begin to understand half of it. And the studies... Don't even get me started. And i just didn't feel understood. By anyone.

But it is as it is. And I guess it will be alright in the end. I hope so.

I'm pretty ok today. A bit tender, maybe. But pretty ok. I still feel pretty fragile, though. Don't know how long it will last this time. We'll see. Will be having kittehs soon.