Denied

Feel like shit. So much shit. I thought I had got past this. Some of it. So I could work on the other things. But no.

Never mind.

I just can't touch it. I feel like this and it destroys me. But I don't know what "it" is. I'm trying to poke myself, but my mind just slips. It's like there's a soaped up obsidian surface just above it. I try to get through it but I just slip of it and don't realize it until I am somewhere else. It was so much easier (although harder in another way) when this was new. Now I just poke it, and it hurts. But then, nothing. So I poke it again and it hurts. And nothing. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I don't get it.´It doesn't change. I feel fucking cheated. Mostly by myself.

And I feel... Cheap. Ratty. Nothing fits, everything is old, worn and torn, my body betrays me at every turn. I'm just so tired. It feels like all I have been doing for so long (for years) is just soldiering on. I feel worn out. Bad quality. Everything is of bad quality.

I just feel like a fucking fraud.

I. AM. SO. TIRED. OF. THIS.

So fucking tired.