Wails of Death

People are saying things like "let it go" and "let it be" and stuff like that. And I try. I try to just... Let it be. Let it go. But it always comes back to bite me in the ass. Everything. And this is one of those days when I feel like I could take any way out just to make it stop hurting. When I just want to fall down on my knees and cry. And scream.

Fuck.

You shouldn't read old blog entries. You just realize how fucked you have been and how many chances you missed. You see what you have forgotten. Maybe it's a good thing.

I hardly even know why I am sad anymore. My life is falling into place more and more. I'm going to send in the best job application ever on monday. I'm going to (maybe, probably not) ace the exam in the beginning of june. I got a lot of stuff for my apartment already fixed. I got more energy than I had a year ago. And yet... Everything feels so utterly pointless. So... I can't seem to activate myself. I lose track of anything. I got an attentionspan of a goldfish. I forget things. I'm confused. And I should say that although I have more energy than I had a year ago, it doesn't mean that I have that much energy. I mostly still sit and stare at the wall and avoid thinking. In the past, walking and spending time in crowds, spending time with humanity felt good. It doesn't now. I feel like a jew with a star of David on my coat walking around Berlin during the war. I miss her so much it hurts, and at the same time I don't miss her. I don't feel the same need to be with her that I once did (probably because on some level there's pain involved everytime I meed her.).

I rarely miss people, actually. I rarely feel the need to be with someone, to meet someone. But what I have learned during these months is that I have that need, even if I don't feel it.

At certain intervals I decide to just take a step back. That that is what is needed of me. But it is so hard. So hard.

I feel so selfish. I'm trying not to be. But I feel so trapped. Like this situation, the way it turned out, prevents any change. That my pride is so much in the way, and yet it is not. And that makes me ashamed of myself.

I can't feel like this. I can hardly function. I'm at work and I had to run into the toilet 3 times already because I had to cry. It doesn't work. I feel like an open wound, and it doesn't get better. I've been hyper sensitive to the whole fucking world for six fucking months now. It can't go on for so much longer.