So I was awake relatively early today. To what use? No use what so ever.

I had a horrible dream tonight. And waking up withouth the Cats made it worse (since it was about losing one of the Cats in a horrible way).

I got to stop feeling this way. Somehow. It's like a fucking tar pit bubbling in my stomach.

God. All I really want to do is just pull a blanket over my head, stay in bed forever and cry. But what for? I don't know what has changed so much during the last few days to make me feel like this. I mean I had a couple of weeks of relative tranquility. And now this.

Fuck.

Nothing changes. It still comes as a chock everytime I really realize that "no, this really is over." I still spend every morning crying in the shower. I'm still always just a fraction of an inch from just falling into a sobbing little pile any time of the day.

The only thing that has changed is the fact that it once felt liberating. Now it feels like it felt before. Nauseating. Humiliating. Weak.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. I am trying. I'm trying to take a good close look at everything, I'm trying to see things and to see things the way they are and all, as much as I can. But it ain't helping. Now right now, anyway.