I Don't Want To Be Born

This is one of those days when I just feel so totally, abysmally sad. It's one of those days.

Why do you feel like this? What purpose can it possibly serve? What is the point? It is so much, so strange that I sometimes wonder if it is really happening at all. I just don't get it.

I just don't know what to write right now. I just feel like an abyss, like I am falling in myself. Into myself. If I could take a real, physical look into my own soul right now I am convinced that it would look like the cover of "Altars of Madness." Wild, chaotic, evil, stupid. I feel like such an emotional dwarf. I feel like the most worthless human being alive today.

Starting to think about lobotomy. Just cutting the pain away. Remove the part of my brain and my soul that feels pain. I have this hole in me.

Not getting therapy any more. Right now... Right now I am back. Back in my old self. I feel like shit today, but I don't know why. That's the problem. I don't know why anymore. It's just this hole in me. I can't see it, I can't touch it, I can't explore it. I just feel it. I hate it.

There's a certain edge to me and my acts these days. An edge of destruction. It's like whatever I do, there's a part of me that want it to escalate and go too far. I don't really know why, because I know that doing that will only make me feel worse. On the other hand, there's a part of that just don't care about anything anymore. That part could do anything (and I mean anything) just because it could. Doing something or not doing something is the same thing for it. I'm just reminded of that play. And of grief. And mourning.

Got to pull myself together.