Everything is de-luminated

"I don't want to feel this way."

Neither do I. I don't want to feel miserable. I don't want it. I think I have had enough of that now. I don't want to mourn anymore. I don't want to be filled with sorrow. I want to be happy. I think I deserve to feel good. Or at least not feel bad. Feeling awful won't change anything. Nothing I do based on that will make anything better.

I've been trying to do something right. I've been trying to just be glad for what I can get. But it's like chasing the rainbow. No matter how nice it has been, there's always this sense of that everytime I get a bit closer things move further ahead. And what I am left with afterwards are old wounds ripped open. And I don't want to feel those things again. I don't want to rub my own face in it. I don't need to feel like a fool anymore. I think I deserve to let this pass. To do what is necesarry. To do this for me. I need to take care of me. And I might sound selfish and it is very possible that I am selfish.

It's just that things remind me of what I once had. Of what I might have been able to get. Of what I never got. Of what I never gave. Of what was taken. Of what I never took. And it is pulling me to shreds. It is pulling me down. I might make a gigantic mistake by doing this but as I was once told: "if I don't do this (now) I will regret it."

I don't know. I'm trying. Trying to do something, for a change. Maybe it is the wrong thing. Maybe not. But it is my choice. My very own. My gain. Or my loss. My battle to win, or my battle to lose. Mine. Doing it for me.

I don't know how long this will take. Maybe just a few week, maybe longer. Maybe less. Maybe I won't be able to hold this up. Trust me, this isn't anything I want to do. It is just that I need (what I hope is) the result of this. Of pulling back. Of letting myself heal a bit. Catch my breath. Just so I can get my bearings. Just so I can get my energy back so I can start running after that rainbow again.

This is no weight of my shoulders. But hopefully this won't add to the existing weight.