"This is no place for me..."

A friend of mine said that the trick, the cure is to forgive yourself. To believe that you too deserve happiness. I guess it is. But every fucking waking moment just reminds me of fucking up a life. Of pain caused to myself and caused to others. Of opportunities not taken. Of what I have become. Of what I have been reduced to. I don't have any desire to die, but sometimes I just wish I could blow my brains out. Just to make it stop. Just to not feel this anymore. Just to get it to go away.

I'm trying to be honest with myself. I'm trying to take a deep close look at what I feel and what I do and why I feel it and why I do it. But I don't trust myself. And on top of that is this overlaying sense of grief. Of sorrow. Of waste.

And this feeling of ignorance. Of being ignored. Of... But it is as it is. I guess. It just... It makes the bed and pulling a blanket over me seem so tempting. And then, when I get home... I just sit there. Waiting to be so sleepy that I can fall asleep. I try to read, but I just get lost. I try to watch movies, but I just get sidetracked by my mind. Nothing seems to take up enough time. Nothing seems to do the trick.

Fuck it. Everything just seems like I'm waiting. Waiting for time to pass. And I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of waiting for this to pass, I'm tired of longing for things that can never come again, I'm tired of this life, I'm tired of being trapped, I'm tired of trying and feeling that it don't make any difference, I'm tired of seeing my mistakes, tired of seeing others mistakes that they kept doing because I didn't have the guts to speak out (my own mistakes again), tired of being reminded by the silliest things, tired of feeling so strange and alien, of having no connection to the real world, tired of not being able to open up, tired of feeling like I've wasted myself, tired of tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired. Tired of writing it here. Tired of people looking at me as I am some kind of freak (and yet I feel like I can't stop, because that would be giving up. Giving in. Selling out.).

And bored. Bored with myself.

Should you let the little madness run loose or should you try and keep it under control?

I just want to lock myself up again. Not leaving the little safe havens I have created unless I have to. And I know and fear that will get worse (even though I have nothing to do in those little confines of mine. Nothing but myself and I am not good company for myself.).

I have been drinking too much coffe.

I feel so fucking alien. And I felt like that was proved about a week ago. Probably the reason I got so incredibly drunk. Just to destroy it.

And I'm tired of being angry. But right now all I want to do is scream. Just let everything rip out of my chest, like a fucking whirlwind of emotions, a maelstroem of destruction. Primeval Mother Chaos manifesting as sound and tears and pain.

And you haven't even seen half of what I am...