Dreams Of Unknown Kadath

So...

Yesterday I dreamt that one of the cats (Kali to be more precise) got killed.

Tonight I dreamed that I couldn't leave work. People just wouldn't leave. I tried to throw them out, but they just kept coming.

I woke up several times, but I just ended up in the same dream everytime I went back to sleep. A couple of times I realized that I was just dreaming, but I couldn't change the dream. As a matter of fact it just got worse when I tried.

I don't know. I feel stuck. Trapped.

I've come to the conclusion that although I feel the need to spend time with people, I am not really a social person. Sometimes it is because they bore me and I just don't have the energy to pretend. Sometimes it is because I don't dare to be. Sometimes it is because I really don't know how to do it. I don't know hot to connect. I don't know how people work. And I have always recented small talk in a way. Just shallow and empty frases, uttered just to kill time. Sort of like that. Superficial clap trap. But I guess you have to start at the surface if you want to get deeper.

Sometimes it is just the fact that my kind of small talk is fucked up. Too extreme. Because I think extreme fucked up things, my life is fucked up, so many of my friends and foes are extreme and fucked up. Sometimes I just think that I am so far out there. And I don't want to start lying to people, to start pretending either. I don't want to stand there and pretend I care when we could discuss something worth while. Something that maybe would change us both. One problem with that is that I think that a lot of people have a problem with understanding me.

I don't know. I just hate the idea of for examle talking about jobs or something like that. Jobs mean nothing. They are just something you do to get by. They are not you or me. I guess that sort of thinking explains why I am stuck where I am stuck.

I feel like the main character in Einztürzende Neubauten's video to "Sabrina." And it made me cry. Just stumbling on that video. Just seeing myself.
At least this has rewakened some sort of interest for music in me.

Some sort of storm is coming. Or some sort of darkness. Maybe just material. Maybe worse. Maybe better.

Discovery of the day: