Rites

Sometimes I wonder if I have any feelings left in me. And then I remember that "oh, yeah. I feel like shit. That counts." But in a lot of ways I feel emotionally dead. And in others more alive than I have for a long time. But I still don't see a point. And a lot of what I do... It's based on the rest of the world. Not me. Not my feelings. Not what I want. Sort of.

Yeah. All I know is that I have to be amongst people all the time, or I just feel awful. Like the loneliest creature in the world.

Found a new site. It's lik ICHC but with dogs. It reminds me f Sabbat and how much I miss him. But soon enough he can live with me. It will be totally weird.

I still can't really really believe this is it. I still just dumbfound myself when I think about what I have destroyed. And what I destroyed for myself is bad enough, but what I destroyed in others... I can't even write it.

But...
That you can miss physical touch so much. That you can miss having someone sleeping in the same bed as you. Something sleeping. Be it a cat or a human.

It's just that you can't really give up, you know? That's almost as depressing as everything else. That you can't just give up. Quit. It is like your choices has been removed. Like being caught in the grinder, somehow.

but it could be worse:
Or maybe that would be better, in a way.