Dawn of Emptiness

It just hit me. All my life I have more or less just fought to keep my nose over the water for just one more day. I have never had a plan in my life. It has always been about getting over the nearest obstacle and ignoring what else might lie ahead of me. That goes just as well both for good things and bad, I think. I have never made a plan to get or keep the good things either. It has always been about getting to have what you can right now. Sort of. Not really. I don't know how else to explain it. Ostrich-style, maybe? ;)

Fuck.

How do you break this cycle? How do you stop living from hand to mouth, both economically and emotionally? I feel so poor and so starved, both materially and emotionally. How do you make a plan to fight? To take the chance to better things? My life has been lived instinctively, more or less. I believe you can lead this to the thing I wrote earlier, that right and wrong is a matter of choice based on knowledge of the consequenses for me, and I have learned that by the fact that my instincts have messed things up (prime example, 2001-2002).

Fuck it. Conan's on TV.