Four of Swords

I don't know what to write here anymore.
I feel like The Project is not enough. I must do more, I must do something else. But I don't really know right now how to take it further. There is so much going on and the only one I feel like I can talk to about it or anything... Well, I don't want to make her more sad, I don't want to add to her burden right now. She deserves her peace, and for once, since I realized the need for it, I feel like it actually can wait a little while. In a strange way I feel like I did in the beginning of january, when I just felt like I had been given a pause, a break. I remember sitting in a café and just feel like "nothing has to be done, nothing can be done. You lost the race so just sit down and relax now."

At least that is what it feels like right now. We'll see what happens later. I get so stressed out when I am not at home. It just feels like I'm in a waiting room, waiting to go to work again or something. It feels like that when I am at the old folks place too. Not that I do anything different here or there, but still... It feels different. Harder to relax.

But I guess it is time to let go of the illusions. It has to be done. And now it is, sort of. I actually got a kind of 'good' (well, not as pitch black as they usually are these days) feeling. I hope it stays. I hope I can make it stay. THAT, my friends, is hard.

Just let it burn now. Just let it. Please Alex, just let it burn away.