The New Project 8

I hate feeling stupid. That's the worst thing in the world. People can think I look bad or smell bad or look gay or not true enough or not manly enough or too macho or whatever and for the most part, I can live with that. Not always, but mostly. In one way or another. But I can't stand when people think I am stupid. When people assume I'm stupid just because I have long hair or whatever. So I have a problem with some things and some people. Well, people in general.

I'm paranoid. I am. I constantly believe that when people on the subway whisper to eachother I am always convinced that it is about me, and not in a good way. I don't think I have ever interpreted anyone looking at me as a compliment. Not for many years, anyway. It never crosses my mind that people might be looking at me because they think I look good or cool or smart or whatever. That is not a possibility in my world. Hence, I always listen to music when I am out and about. To block out the world.

I'm not saying that I want to look "normal", not in any way. I love black, I love looking like I am different (I've actually started to like my hair again). But I don't want to be holed down, niched. I don't want people to look at me and think they KNOW me, know who I am or what I am or what I think or what I do or what I believe in. Sure, in many ways I am stereotypical. One is shaped by ones surroundings. But in so many ways I am not.
At the very least I want the choice. Well, in a perfect world there wouldn't be a need for a choice. But we don't live in a perfect world. So I need the choice. I don't know it it separates me in equal (but smaller) measures from the rest of the world, or if it integrates me deeper with something, and right now I frankly don't care.

I feel so extreme at times. Another reason I don't like to go out. Believe it or not I care about people and I care about my friends friends. I don't want to put them in the awkward position of being with me, my sense of humor, my views and stuff. And I don't want to limit myself. No, wrong. I don't know how to limit myself. Stupid, huh? Never claimed to be an emotional rocket scientist. Hell, in that respect, I'm having trouble with inventing fire.
There's always something stupid that slips out. I'm so tired of it. I feel like I've forgotten how to be a real human being.